[MightyQuinn]

I have lived with and loved a man for the past 8 years. It has been up and down. And up and down. But we've always stuck it out and vowed to try harder for the other person. To make changes in the way we treat and address each other. To work on building up our relationship after we've spent so much time destroying it.

Over the course of the summer and into the fall, we've done a terrible job, we've barely done anything together and for part of the summer, he was sleeping in a separate room. But we love each other, so we promise to work on it.

A month and a half ago, we had a huge fight that started over nothing and escalated to the point we were discussing separate living arrangements. He said some things and I said some things. At the end of the night, we had reconciled to a point. But some of the things he said and did would not leave my mind. He was so angry and said such terrible things.

I've been thinking more and more that we are incompatible, that we don't have much in common anymore, and we can't have a conversation without arguing. As our relationship has dragged on, he has acted more and more like a bachelor. Hanging out with the guys, watching football all the time, fantasy football rules his life, video games, golfing. And though I've tried to take an interest in his hobbies, he refuses to take an interest in mine (photography, hiking, biking). He can't be in the same room with a TV show he doesn't like and even if its my favorite song, he will change the station. And whether or not we can make a date to go out has to be run through his calendar first, even though we live together.

Last week, it weighed so heavy on my mind I burst into tears when he asked me why I looked sad, then said "OH, WTF is your malfunction now?" I explained how abysmally unhappy I've been, how we are more like roommates with benefits than a loving couple, how we aren't married, we don't have a house, even though we've been talking about both of them for 5 years. "I am almost 30 years old and am no where near the place I expected us to be by now."

We BOTH expressed how unhappy we were, we agreed we don't spend enough time together, we agreed we don't seem to have much in common. He accused me of giving up on the relationship and I said "No, I'm here talking with you instead of packing my stuff, aren't I?"

Again.... We made up, to a point. With promises again to spend more time with each other, to find more things to talk about and more things to do together. In the week and a half since we had this conversation, I've seen him maybe 4 hours (remember we live together). He's played golf and watched football and gone out to drink with his buddies, gone to work and takes lots of naps. I've tried to be patient, but I've brought up to him three times that we agreed to spend more time together and we haven't done one thing (not so much as watched a movie or had a meal together), and he gets angry.

Finally today he again asked me why I am so sad. Much more calmly, I sat down and reminded him about the "very serious nature" of our conversations lately. I repeated to him that we had both agreed we were unhappy and that we had both agreed to make an attempt at salvaging our relationship. I told him I don't think he's taking it seriously. He said he is, yet its Saturday night and he has made plans to hang out with the guys and watch Ultimate Fighting instead.

This is a final push and I don't think he gets it. We need to come up with some sort of relationship soon, or this living arrangement isn't going to last much longer. I love him, yet I feel I am falling out of love with him. And he could be doing something to stop this, and I'm telling him how to do it, and he still seems to be missing it. But because this relationship at one time had promise and we've been together 8 years, I'm trying so hard not to make a rash decision that I'll regret down the line. At the same time, I'm cleaning out the closets and seperating our stuff. I don't think he noticed that, either.

Any advice? How to be patient? How to kick him in the pants? Other people with similar long-term experiences and how to best handle them? I'm so lost and so sad. I want him to care, to have a say in how our relationship goes from this point on. I just don't know how to wake him up.