So there's this girl I know, and I have no idea what to make of her. She has recently acted in awkward ways and I'm perplexed by it. I apologize that this is long, but hopefully it will provide enough details.
Some stats first: She's in college and should be 21 soon. I'm a post-bacc student (graduated college, worked for a few years and came back to school to take more classes) and turned 31 a few months ago. EVERYBODY tells me that I look like I'm 20 - 23. She knows my age and we're studying the same major.
I was an undergraduate Teaching Assistant last spring and she was one of my students. She's very hard-working. As a result, she was the one person I interacted with the most, out of all people I interacted with that semester. Since then, we've kept in touch due to taking other classes together. She e-mails me somewhat often about help with school.
Over the summer, she wanted to ask me more questions about, school, career, etc. and wanted to meet up. I told her that I would be sightseeing near her area, which is almost an hour away from school. She invited me to her house. We sat outside and talked about school stuff, random non-school stuff, and had a pleasant time. I also met her dad.
A few days later, she e-mailed me with more questions, and said that I should drop by whenever I'm in her area again, because she had a lot of fun. A few weeks later, I was going to go sightseeing near her area again and asked her if she wanted to meet up. I got a communications blackout for nearly a week. I texted her the day before my trip, and she finally replied, apologizing and saying that she had to work that day. But when school started this semester, she approached me and seemed happy to see me.
Recently, she told me that her sister had painted a mural at a nearby hospital. Later, I was visiting a museum and noticed that the hospital was right across the street. I'm an artist and just simply had to check it out. When I told her I saw the mural, she looked at me like I was weird. But she knows I'm an artist with professional experience.
Occasionally I've asked her if she wants to get something to eat together (as I do to everyone I know). She always says no. However, I've noticed that she never gets the free food at school club meetings either. This semester, out of politeness, I've offered her rides between campuses when the classes we take together let out (our school has multiple campuses). She initially accepted a bunch of times, but has recently declined often.
This semester, I've been tutoring her for one of her classes. She has also e-mailed, texted, and called by phone regarding help for the class. She has also asked me to be project partners with her for another class we're taking together.
I have never asked her out, never hit on her, never said weird things to her, etc. I have always treated her with professionalism, respect, courtesy, and encouragement. The same way I would treat everybody I know. We seem to get along well when she's not acting peculiar. She's usually a very down-to-earth, well-mannered girl. We've shared info about our personal backgrounds with each other. One time she did tell me that she struggles with lack of self-confidence, doesn't have a ton of friends, and is struggling to "get out of her shell". She also has to deal with a lot of stuff at home.
Her social behavior towards me is definitely peculiar at times. Does anybody have any ideas about what is up with this girl? I wonder if she misinterprets my friendliness as pursuing her, which therefore scares her, and tries to keep me from "getting too close"?
But if that was the case, I figure she would just stay away and never ask me for help anymore. I'm sure she knows other people who have taken the classes before. Yet she keeps interacting with me and keeps coming to me for help with school. Maybe she occasionally tries to reach out socially and then clams up again? Maybe she simply uses me like a tool because I can tolerate her persistence in school? Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this?
I don't want to mess up our interaction. I would like to help her succeed with her goals, as she is a good student who just needs a little more faith in herself.
Thanks for reading, I greatly appreciate any insights.
I am not sure if you like her as more than a friend If so do the following.
I say you make a move on her as soon as possible. Go in for a kiss or if you dont have the balls to do that tell her that you are starting to like her more than a friend.
Looks like you are going toward friend zone and if that happens it is very hard to start a romantic relationship w her.
i had not even thought that you might be interested in this girl until the other people mentioned it. however, rereading the first line in that context, it does make sense. perhaps there is a mutual attraction there and she is frustrated by your cool professionalism? really, i cant tell, what do you think?
Thanks for all your replies thus far. My relationship with her has always been tutor & student. I see her in this way. Because I've never dated (yes it's sadly true), other friends who hear that I'm tutoring a female student have done the obvious, "Are you two gonna go out, ha ha". Then they press the issue hard if I describe her in a positive way.
I did think it was kind of ballsy of her, a 20 year old girl, to invite a 31 year old guy over to her house for an afternoon. I was always under the impression that some girls would hesitate about doing such a thing - I don't know, maybe I have prudish preconceptions. Anyway, I thought, "Hmm, is something going on?" But then when I asked to meet up later on, she flaked out. I've tried to objectively observe her behavior since then, and to always be friendly and helpful. But she seems to alternatively run "hot" and "cold".
I asked a friend of mine about the mural incident and he didn't think what I did was weird at all. As a matter of fact, he thought the girl's reaction was odd. At first I kind of let her reaction slide, but it's bothering me, so I will bring it up the next time I meet her. When it comes to my interest in art, I don't like it when people second-guess my intentions.
I guess what I'm perplexed about goes beyond just her. I was always taught to treat people with respect - especially girls. This includes opening doors for them, walking in pace with them and not walking ahead of them, showing confidence, etc. So this is what I've done.
But it just seems like time and time again, girls put up some sort of protective barrier. I don't stalk, stare, or say strange things. I know I behave properly. My guy friends actually think what I do is cool. But it's almost as though girls, on the other hand, automatically assume I'm going to pursue them like a creepster. They seem to put up a barrier at a certain point, even though I'm not pursuing them. At least this is my impression over the years. On the other hand, obnoxious guys who treat girls like garbage seem to attract girls like a magnet. It's weird. Maybe I'm out of date. Is it no longer okay these days to act like a gentleman, to show respect and courtesy towards girls? Should I be less gentlemanly?
Last edited by Bluecat; 7th October 2009 at 10:13 PM..
Reason: grammar fix
But then when I asked to meet up later on, she flaked out. I've tried to objectively observe her behavior since then, and to always be friendly and helpful. But she seems to alternatively run "hot" and "cold".
i can really relate to your situation. i think that what you're dealing with is a difference in maturity level. ive found that women younger than me (i guess it could be women of any age, or anybody really) seem to overthink situations, don't know how to appropriately deal, and then end up behaving erratically.. sometimes leaving me with a big question mark. it does make sense, we can understand how a lack of maturity (experience, understanding, or whatever you want to call it) could cause irrational behaviors, but its still frustrating when it happens. im not trying to sound superior here, this is just how i understand it. i dont think less of these people, but it helps to understand it this way instead of beating myself up about it. basically, even though it hurts, you didn't really have control over it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluecat
When it comes to my interest in art, I don't like it when people second-guess my intentions.
you don't have to defend yourself. what you did was totally resonable. put it out of your head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluecat
Should I be less gentlemanly?
absolutely not. you have to look at things in the big picture. even though you wanted things to go differently with this girl, in the long run this was the best possible outcome for you. maybe she missed out, but you're free of a relationship with someone less mature than you. you do this already(or something similar).. but continue to think,, how would i feel if someone treated my sister, cousin, future wife, or mom in the past this way? please don't let this turn you into a jerk. i guess the fear is, what if by being myself (nice) i end up alone? well, it hasn't happened yet, and i'll take a chance on things ending up really good.. i dont want to sound preachy, but i really get the feeling you share a similar perspective.. just trying to remind you of some stuff you probably already know.
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