[jaybird365]

My Wife has asked to be separated/divorce about a month ago and advised that I find a lawyer. We have been together for 23 years and have two children (9/18). She claims to not be emotionally into the marriage for some time.

The "timing" of the request was a bit of a surprise at first as it came out of the blue that she had retained a lawyer. It had been a battle for a number of years, but we were still together. Anyway, she informed me in late August that she wants a divorce. I'm still struggling with that but have come to accept that it may be finally over. I have indicated that she should find somewhere else to live and she hasn't rejected the notion.

Fast forward to this week, approx 1 month after.

She has been busily looking for a new job in the last week and claims that things are not that great in her current position as she has a 'problem' with the person she will be reporting to. At least this is what she has told me. So I find it a little odd to be making a 'career/job' change when she is on the eve of getting a separation and to make it more interesting when she knowingly will have to find or purchase a house to live in. Yes, no ones life is on hold, but why look for a job now when you know you are facing a situation where you will need a stable income for new housing, etc. for herself and the children ?

Then I discovered today, that at the start of September she paid down nearly $8000 on her Visa bill. This exceeds her monthly salary significantly, so it is odd ?

Then she asks if I could see if my cousin (a lawyer) would help with the separation and divorce so that she could save money. My family is still reeling from the shock that we are getting separated, and to turn around and ask one of my family members to help ? Is this some sort of sick joke she is playing or is she really that naive.

I have dragged my feet on the issue as I honestly don't believe I am being told the truth nor do I sense she really understands the implications of her request.

Anyways, does this seem a little odd for a wife that is seeking a separation or am I missing something all together.

Jay

[ladydesigner]

I have a feeling she may be having an EA or a PA. Most often than not this is the case. Either way you need to give her the space to figure it out for herself and you take care of yourself. I'm very sorry this is happening to you.

She has been busily looking for a new job in the last week and claims that things are not that great in her current position as she has a 'problem' with the person she will be reporting to. At least this is what she has told me. So I find it a little odd to be making a 'career/job' change when she is on the eve of getting a separation and to make it more interesting when she knowingly will have to find or purchase a house to live in. Yes, no ones life is on hold, but why look for a job now when you know you are facing a situation where you will need a stable income for new housing, etc. for herself and the children ?

This statement makes me wonder if this person she reports to is also someone she is involved with. I may be missing the point completely, but this just sounds like there is more going on than just not being "emotionally into the marriage."

Are you in any type of counseling? It might be really helpful during this time of hardship. Good luck and take care (((jaybird365)))

[giotto]

a mother who walks out on a 9 year old? Something fishy is definitely going on...

[LucreziaBorgia]

She's got someone who is encouraging her to leave, and helping her do so financially apparently.

She wouldn't walk out into such an uncertain situation unless she was damned sure there was someone who was going to catch her on the way out. She surely wouldn't demote herself down to a part time parent for no good reason either. I'm guessing the problem with her job is directly related to her affair in some way. People who are hot and heavy into exit affairs don't tend to appear to think too clearly. It is only baffling to you and your family because you don't see the real reason why she is doing this.

You definitely want to see a lawyer and let him/her know what is going on.

[delajoonal]

[quote]Then she asks if I could see if my cousin (a lawyer) would help with the separation and divorce so that she could save money. My family is still reeling from the shock that we are getting separated, and to turn around and ask one of my family members to help ? Is this some sort of sick joke she is playing or is she really that naive.

WELL, this part peeked my interest..

it just amazes ME everyday, how these 'leavers' act...unbelievable!!
i am sorry your wife is doing this to you and your children...
you have come to the right place..

to vent, talk, shoulder to cry on, compare stories, ask questions, etc..
we here on LS will be here for you..

so, back to the phrase above..

you wanna hear how LOW MY H is???

MY H ASKED OUR SON, TO SERVE ME MY DIVORCE PAPERS...YEP YOU READ THAT RIGHT...

MY H is sooo cheap, he makes too much for the sheriff to serve me, and he is TOO cheap to hire a service, so he asked MY SON..

but of course MY son did NOT serve me, the cheap piece of crap had to finally hire a service..

so then i hired a lawyer, and so far...i am getting everything i asked for..and then some..

i told him he pushed me too far...jack a**..

ok..sorry to get all carried away..

argh!

like i said, everyday i read something on this board that just blows my mind..
are these people for real (leavers/cheaters)????

did your W really think YOUR FAMILY would help her divorce YOU because she is broke??? OMG, right?

[phineas]

I don't think anyone mentioned it, but i'm wondering if the person she's reporting to & the person that gave her money is one & the same?

my thoughts.

She's banging her boss & needs to find a new job when she divorces because it may be against company policy or their both going to look like POS's to co-workers.

If the supervisor is high profile enough it may not look good for the company that he's screwing a married woman & a subordinate.

Or, if her boss is a woman she may be banging someone higher up the company ladder & her supervisor thinks she's scum.

[hopefulInFuture]

I am sorry for what you're going through Jay. I know it's very hard for you and whatever you choose to do it's not going to be easy. But I think if you start investigating on her you might hang on her and not really move on. Whatever reasons she's got for moving out this way and asking for the divorce, cut her off as much as you can (I know you 2 have kids and therefore this is not easy) and move on with your life. You might actually get an advantage out of this sorrow and finally find a person who wants to be with you and loves you for who you are.

[JayBird]

Thanks for the replies ... I'm sure I am in right place. I can't help but think that there is a possibility that she is involved with her boss in a very covert way. She states the reasons for looking for another job is that she has had problems with him in the past. It does make some sense that if there is a company policy against dating/affairs she would need to leave. I also wouldn't discount that the extra 'cash' may be from him as well, but I have no hard proof. All of this while she claims not to have any money and wants to do the divorce on the cheap. It is plausible and a real sad testament about what she has become. It's one thing to fall out of love I suppose, but quite another to knowingly deceive me and the children for her own selfish pleasures. The very sad part is she had an affair 6 years ago, was caught in the act and called it off. At the time I was too sympathetic and let her back into the marriage. Perhaps it takes a real blow to the head to see the light sometimes ... she may not be worth saving this time around.

I have a couple of lawyers that I am working with and ready at anytime to pull the plug, and am getting some couselling to get prepared. Very sad indeed, but I am sure my pain is felt by many others in similar situations.

It would be even worse at the end to put me and the children through all this grief and then she falls flat on her face and comes to the realization that the 'grass is not greener' and tries to come back.

All very interesting ....

[CarrieT]

BTW, take a really close look at the finances and those credit cards. If you live in a community property state, your credit report is tied to her credit cards and vice-versa. It might be really great that she is paying her's down and that might be something you can use to your advantage.