Nearly 2 years ago my relationship with my parents rapidly deteriorated because they would get drunk and out of control, and then constantly abuse and threaten me and my fiancée. I was thrown out of my home by my mother, who is an alcoholic and, i have realized, is totally unhinged, and she immediately spread lies about myself and my fiancée, so that my family and friends would be on her side, and i did not have the chance to tell people what really happened.
These lies resulted in us being beaten up, threatened with a gun and unable to leave the house because we were just immediately followed and had rocks thrown at us etc.
I was unable to get back home to see my 10 year old brother and sister because my mother went completely mad, and was harassing and terrorising my and my fiancée's family continuously for over a year.
My siblings have been told lies by my parents (the few i have heard are that i tried to stab my mum, and then ran off with my fiancée because i didn't care about my family), and they turned against me almost straight away. They were very abusive when i saw them in the street, but they sent me cards at Christmas saying they loved me and wanted me back.
I have now moved very very far away, and we are finally safe, and i have started to rebuild my life and myself, and desperately want to contact my siblings, to let them know i didn't leave them out of choice, and the things they have been told aren't true, and i still love them.
I have no idea what to say though? They are 10 and 13. How should i phrase the letter? Obviously i can't just tell them what happened, as they aren't going to believe that their parents were the cause of all the problems, or believe all the things they did to me, but I want to explain that i didn't do all the bad things they have been told, and that i love them .... help!!
keep it low-key – inquire about them, then let them know how much you love them. I think your wanting to touch base with them shows them that you're still interested, and the trust grows from there. And like kids everywhere, even if they're being little monsters, they want to be assured of your love for them.
__________________ The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
keep it low-key – inquire about them, then let them know how much you love them. I think your wanting to touch base with them shows them that you're still interested, and the trust grows from there. And like kids everywhere, even if they're being little monsters, they want to be assured of your love for them.
Low key? How do i do that?
Where i get stuck though .... the truth is that my parents caused the trouble, then made it worse, threw me out, spread lies and ruined my life .... but none of that i can say to two young children who are still living with and under the influence of my parents ... so how do i get them on my side and to forgive me without actually placing the blame on my parents??
It would take Adult comprehension to understand your actions.
Two red flags to bear in mind:
1:how do you know your letter wouldn't be interceded by the parent? Sorry but manipulative folks have no problem crossing moral lines and reading mail intended for a minor.
2: Your parent is ill. I mean really Ill. I don't mean it in a condesending way. Its the reality of the disease. Your actions in leaving were the wisest. It is my wish for you that your Mom does get help, and see's the errors of her actions. She will ultimately have to come to terms with her ghosts. And there are ALOT of them.
Understand that your siblings probably will question your leaving, but they are also sick from being in the presence of an alcholic. There minds arent going to be clear enough to understand your real adult and normal reasons for leaving.
The reason someone said to keep it lite is because your siblings dont need to relive your actions, but they sure will welcome your support in knowing you care.
low-key ... tell them you're thinking of them (or something specific made you think of them), that you hope they're doing well and that you love them. Period.
meaning, just enough to know they're on your mind, but not enough to give your parents ammo to use against you. Kids figure out the truth quickly enough, and if you're making friendly overtures by letting them know you're thinking of them, they're gonna notice that YOUR behavior is way different than what YOUR FOLKS say ...
that can come later, when THEY bring it up. Otherwise your mother has fodder to say all you're doing is lying to them. Keep it low-key. Most importantly they need to know that you have NOT forgotten them and that you DO love them.
as I said before, kids have a way of figuring out the truth by questioning everything they're told ... if at some point, one of your sibs ask, "why did you leave us" it's your invitation to explain your side of things. Keep it simple and know how to time this, because right now it's a fragile relationship at best and you don't want to go in there saying things that'll further scare them/side with your mom's lies.
that can come later, when THEY bring it up. Otherwise your mother has fodder to say all you're doing is lying to them. Keep it low-key. Most importantly they need to know that you have NOT forgotten them and that you DO love them.
as I said before, kids have a way of figuring out the truth by questioning everything they're told ... if at some point, one of your sibs ask, "why did you leave us" it's your invitation to explain your side of things. Keep it simple and know how to time this, because right now it's a fragile relationship at best and you don't want to go in there saying things that'll further scare them/side with your mom's lies.
keep it low-key
ok
would it be ok to just say ''I didn't want to leave, but in the end I had to; it was the only thing that could be done" or something? I want to reassure them ..?
Quank's advice is dead on - at this point there is no need to mention the fact that you left. When and if they bring it up you just say it is complicated and you would prefer not to discuss it.
I was in a similar situation with my siblings when my parents kicked me out of the house - they were ages 8 and 4. I tried my best to stay in touch, but it was rough with their being so young.
When I finally came back it was clear they had been told horrible lies about me - but I was just me. I told them they could choose to believe what they'd been told, or what they were experiencing for themselves (ie the real me) - that I would not judge them either way.
It's about 23 years later now and I am still their go-to person when they need advice/support/help whatever.
You may not be able to be in touch while they still live at home, but you can continue to try - and once everyone is older - trust me it will all work out.
Quank's advice is dead on - at this point there is no need to mention the fact that you left. When and if they bring it up you just say it is complicated and you would prefer not to discuss it.
I was in a similar situation with my siblings when my parents kicked me out of the house - they were ages 8 and 4. I tried my best to stay in touch, but it was rough with their being so young.
When I finally came back it was clear they had been told horrible lies about me - but I was just me. I told them they could choose to believe what they'd been told, or what they were experiencing for themselves (ie the real me) - that I would not judge them either way.
It's about 23 years later now and I am still their go-to person when they need advice/support/help whatever.
You may not be able to be in touch while they still live at home, but you can continue to try - and once everyone is older - trust me it will all work out.
Best of luck to you
how did you contact them while they were at home?
i'm afraid that my mum will just intercept any letter and rip it up?
and surely it will be like if your flatmate just walked out and left you with all the bills to pay, and then 2 years later rang up and saiid 'hi dyou wanna come out to a club on saturday?' as if nothing had ever hapened ... wont they be confused and hurt if i dont say sorry/mention about the horror of the past 2 years?
I got letters to them through friends. This situation cannot be compared to stiffing a flatmate with bills - sorry unacceptable.
Just get in touch - let them know you are there for them, if they ask why you left then be prepared with an answer - something like "there was not a single moment I did not miss you, and in no way was I leaving you." If you start finger pointing at your parents you will alient those kids. They still live at home, and they still see the parents as you did at their ages.
I was actually quite grateful that my mother was a better parent to my siblings than me - and I never said anything against them to my siblings. As they grew older, they formed their own opinions. In the end I generally end up being the peace keeper - bizarre!
I believe this is your side of the story and not the complete story. I would like to hear your parents' side and their point of view of what happened.
Well that's your prerogative, but I don't see why you felt the need to post it. I posted here to ask for help and advice ... clearly your post was not aimed to help in any way.
The fact is that I love my brother and sister, and it was not my choice or wish to have them out of my life, this was taken out of my hands, and now I know my situation is safe and stable, I want to let them know that they are always welcome, and also give them support if they ever need it.
Last edited by jaimemurray; 18th September 2009 at 2:37 PM..
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What do i say to my estranged siblings?
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