Girlfriend doesn't want my brother to hold our baby
Hi
My girlfriend is having our baby, and as much as she loves me, she hates my brother. Because of a couple of incidents that happened ages ago she feels as though he wants to split us up, which maybe he did but I forgave him.
She harbors a grudge against my brother and she wants me to tell him that he's not allowed to hold or touch our baby. I don't feel comfortable doing that but she says that it's either I tell him, or she leaves with the baby.
As much as my bro can be an ass, he's still my brother, and I love him, but I also love my girlfriend so much, I don't want to lose her. But why should I have to lose one part of my family for her? I don't want to be seen as a "traitor" or as someone who doesn't care for my family. Her family all agree with her, with the general idea that her family is more perfect than mine. However, though my family aren't perfect, we love each other a lot and they'd look after me and our baby. If I tell my family this then they'll think I'm an evil person who doesn't care for my family, but if I don't I'm worse for "always siding" with my family.
I'm losing either way, it's either I lose the trust of my brother, and his love, or I lose my girlfriend and our baby.
She won't even listen or take the time to compromise with me, and she wants me to do it.
One who threatens you with ultimatums, eh? She doesn't respect you at all, obviously. She'd better have proof that your brother is not suitable to be around your child. A custody case could very well laugh at her unless she has some damn good reasons to deny your rights as a parent.
Do you know what these "incidents" were that she's still holding onto?
__________________
When you were yourself it tasted sweet
But it sours into a routine deceit
Well this drama is a bore
And I don't want to play no more - Third Eye Blind
It sounds like you "let" your brother disrespect your GF. Perhaps you didn't call him out on it and ask him to apologize or set that boundary properly - you did say it was more than one time he was a jerk to her and/or tried to cause problems in your relationship.
You need to fix this. Not fixing it the first time caused the other times. Not fixing it the last time has lead to your GF making this ultimatum. You didn't fix it so your GF had to and this is how she has decided to go about handling it.
Did your brother ever really apologize? I don't mean stand there and say the words without meaning it because you asked him to.......
I mean was he ever chewed out by you for it? Have you ever explained to him that YOU get to decide who to have in you life and you expect him to respect your decisions and the person you've chosen? And then explained to him the problems he causes by acting that way and not feeling bad enough to smooth it over sincerely?
In her mind -if she is not worth respecting to your brother, your brother won't respect the baby or the way you two wish to raise it and he might meddle in THAT too.
I'm losing either way, it's either I lose the trust of my brother, and his love, or I lose my girlfriend and our baby.
Or you could go with option 3: Grow some balls and tell your gf that either of the above two options are unacceptable.
__________________ "Weird world. Your kids?" "I figure my character has kids." "You know, there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained." "Well, see, when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that."
I agree with that. Time to man up, and get them both together. Have your bro apologize for past transgressions (he should man up, too), and have her accept that he is going to be a big part of your and your baby's life.
but, you have a point about Brother having apologized to poster's GF: I can see how, if he was acting like a lout and never made amends, that she would still be angry, and as mother of the child, she feels she can withhold visits from him.
the answer is somewhere in the middle: Telling her that while you respect her still being upset with him, this is child is part of your family and that you're not going to deny the baby access to the family just because she's holding a grudge. That it's very UGLY for a parent to use a child as a pawn, because it's unfair to the kid.
then go rip your brother a new one for being such a chowder head, then tell him that he and your GF need to resolve their differences, because you know he understands the importance of family and you want your child to get to know his uncle.
__________________ The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Indeed, but he might as well learn now that a partnership HAS to actually be one to have a chance of working. He can't really have this kind of partnership with his brother after all.
And
If he is going to raise a kid, he needs to learn to pick his battles wisely. He didn't apply the ounce of prevention (when his bro started acting a fool) and now he is going to have to dish out TWO pounds of cure - one for the GF and one for the brother.
Well I think she maybe feels that my brother didn't care for his actions, but for what it's worth he isn't very good at showing his emotions, or indeed speaking right.
I think that maybe she thinks that while he apologised he didn't show enough that he did. I've already told her that the options she's gave me are unfair, and I asked "Why does ae wane huv tae grow up wae hate in oor femilies?" (From Scotland) and she said more or less said that "If you don't like it I'll go it alone.". It takes two to tango (three to conga, but thats a DIFFERENT story) so I think I should be there for her, because we baked that bread, and that baker doesn't just leave it unattended. Coupled with the fact that we're kinda long-distance and it's making decisions more final.
I did my part, but maybe I did my part wrong when I said to my bro to back off and apologize for what he done, and maybe I should have defended my brother more.
If I go about this wrong I'm going to lose both of them (which sounds like the premise of an epic action film, but not in this case). I've not told my brother yet of what my girlfriend thinks, because I don't want my maw to get involved, because she'll want to defend him, and get at me for saying something as cruel as that.
I don't know my rights in regard to this, for when the baby is born, but I think it mostly favours the Mother, which it should in a lot of cases.
I'm going to have to think of what to do tomorrow. I've told my girlfriend that I won't speak to her till I've come up with a decision, which now that I look at it empowers her and givers her more cards to play with, but so far it's "My way or the highway, and if you don't like it, you can bite ma sh**e."
She's 18, same as me. Judge me as you like, but we all make mistakes, and now I'm paying for it, though if we can't reach a middle ground I'll be paying a lot more.
I feel the same, but I know I've made my mistakes and should repent for that, but I know that she'll need all the help she can get.
Her trying to cut all ties with me would mess me up and make it harder on her, as well as her family. Another thing that comes to mind is that she keeps saying "What if it was your brother who did it to me?" and she keeps saying "I wouldn't blame you then.". However I think she's just saying that, kinda as if to say "No, my argument is right, I'm not a hippocrite.", though I'm the paranoid type.
She's stubborn, thats in her nature, and her family, but I think she should learn to change, if not for me, then for our baby. I said to her that I'll leave college for her and start working (not easy in this recession anyways, but I'd try) but she, her family, my family and friends convinced me out of it, because they believe that I can get a job out of it. I do too, but I think I should be there for her with monetary support and with her, because as of now we're living in different homes.
She has sense, but I'm concerned she isn't using it right, or that I'm using my own. My senses say "Go and tell your brother what she said and be done with it." but my logic part of me is going "WTF? You both need each other dips**t. You can't cope on your own, and you know your brother won't do anything stupid while you're there, and that he's looking forward to it, so why would you keep him out? That's it, I'm calling Maury!"
She can't just take your child away from you. You have rights as a father, and will have legal right to see your child.
So if she walks, she gets exactly what she doesn't want - you will have the right to take the child for weekends or to live with you 50% of the time, and during that time, your brother will be able to hold the baby as much as he and you want him to. She will have no say in that.
Since your brother has already apologized to her, then SHE is the one breeding hate in the family.
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