My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years. Out of the 2 years the last 7 months have been monogomous. Well we have grown very close. Well there is a pretty large age gap between us. He is 37 and I am 25. The other day we were out at a local bar hanging out with his brother who is in town and I very carelessly winked at a friend of mine. My friend was playing pool and waved and yelled a hello. I (not thinkin anything of it) winked and nodded my head. I don't really wink that often and when I do it's at my bf when we are out and I just want him to know I was admiring him. I don't know why I winked really, I didn't mean it at all like I do when I wink at my bf. I could tell right away it bothered him...it even caught me off gaurd that I did it. When we got home he said to let him know when I was ready for him to move out of the way so I could date some of these young guys. I told him he was all I wanted and (I trying to make him smile) the older the berry the sweeter the juice(a line from the movie Friday) and he fell right into it saying no it's the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice. And I smiled and finished the quote with your black as a m***f*** too. We both laughed and things went back to normal. I couldn't sence anything making me think it was still an issue. Then after sex that night which was firework worthy he told me that if he was 25 again I would be begging him to stop. And went on about how good he was when he was young and again to let him know if I wanted to move on. I was saddened by this and could only offer him a kiss and snuugled up to him and whispered in his ear I couldn't imagine sex being any better than it is with him and told him I don't want anyone else. We both fell asleep. It hasn't been an issue since but after him telling me to let him know when to move aside has left me thinking we aren't as close as I thought or hoped if he would simply step aside...or think I would want him to step aside. How can I get back the confidence and stregth or relationship had before my eye made that stupid unthought out wink?

[Tony T]

I think you need to have a talk with him real fast. Of course, you can't give him self esteem and confidence. That will have to come from himself.

Also, let him know his response to your winking was not very mature. A grown, mature man would have smiled and written it off if he was with a lady with whom he was having a good relationship.

Frankly, it sounds like you're a plaything to him. His projective thinking leads me to believe that he is using you on a temporary basis just as he thinks you may be using him that way. You need to get into his head and straighten that out real fast.

If he's not giving his total self because he thinks in time you will dump him for a younger guy, you don't have much of a relationship. The ONLY way you'll get this whole issue resolved is to talk. If he felt secure in his relationship with you...and with himself....he would not have brought up this issue.

His remark about how he was in bed at 25 is indicative of a man who feels really low about himself. That's tragic.

Your age difference here is totally insignificant. Your perspective difference is the real problem. Both of you need to get on the same page with regard to your relationship agendas....real bad and real soon. Have that heart to heart talk ASAP...and you ought to have them on more than just rare occasions.

[steffany]

You're right we do need to talk. Our commitment to each other is still kind of new to an old friendship. We don't have many heart to hearts because we have known each other for so long and so well.

I hope he isn't using me. It would break my heart. But it won't be the first time it's broke and I'm sure not the last. Better to get it over with now if he is using me...dating is how we find our true love and there is no sence in having a meaningless relationship.

[steffany]

Well I invited him over for dinner to talk so I'll let you know what comes about.

I just don't think he's using me...after our lunch w/ friends today I just think his financial and business problems are lowering his self confidence.

He spoke briefly w/ me before people showed about how stressed and hard it has been to get his business (just started a second) up and going. He is still financially stable just not like he would like to be.

I hope this comment and lack of self esteem roots from this and not him using me.


I'll let ya know!

[steffany]

We had a long talk last night and straightened the whole matter out. And thank goodness he isn't using me. We talked about so much more than just the issue at hand I feel we learned so much about each other that we didn't know before.

He said he is just feeling low spirited and a little depressed with all the trials in his business life. He said he was kinda expecting the bad luck to flow over into other parts of his. I assured him that I'm here for him and he doesn't have to worry about any guys younger or older. He appologized for acting so immature and I appologized for not thinking how my actions effect others.

Then we talked about how we can maybe help eachother out with some business matters. I work in the residential design and building industry and he does custom media, lighting, and home protection installation.

All in all it was a very productive conversation. I'm lucky to have such a great guy in my life.

[Tony T]

Glad things worked out well for you. Don't let that be the last time you have a good talk. In relationships, communications should be constant and once in a while it's nice to sit down and have a good long talk about the present and future.

I don't mean to rain on your parade but you may have more work to do before this problem totally ceases. You can't rub out a person's insecurities in a few hours. You will have to reinforce your love and care for him over a period of time before he becomes truly comfortable.

Also, you are assuming he was shooting straight with you during your talk. I hope he was. But don't let your guard down. Pay close attention to his behavior. If he continues these little self-deprecating behaviors, you may have to let him know that if he's so insecure his relationship with you, you'll have to find someone who is not.

Monitor the situation and make sure your talk really put an end to his problem.

[steffany]

It won't be the last talk. Funny thing is usually I don't enjoy "talks" too much, but I really enjoyed talking with him.

Oh I plan on being there for him no matter what. We were friends before we became lovers and I could never turn my back on a friend.

Tony as far as gaurds go...I may have the toughest one I know of. I was the only girl out of 6 kids and the youngest. You may say I am a little extreme compared to most women when it comes to havinga tough outter shell. I kinda look at relationships from a guys point of veiw. I say what I feel but never let the other person know or feel that they "have me". I keep a pretty nice mystery to me during relationships. It takes much longer than a few months of commitment to knock any walls down completely.

Thanks for the heads up and the advice!