[forever_waiting]

this is the situation with the person i rent my room from. i've let him abuse me psychologically, i've shut my eyes to his sexual harassment, he's borderline stalked me this whole time. i don't know where to go from here.

i've been unemployed since last year and had trouble paying him a few times before. i was so worried at the thought i was going to end up on the street that i let this guy take advantage of me. he 'let me off the hook' if i did certain things- he never said anything about it when i was able to pay him, acted like nothing ever happened. but as soon as i was vulnerable he tried to 'help me out.' i felt like i had to oblige. i don't know what i was thinking. for months it went on with him calling my phone, showing up at my door, persuading me to 'talk with him' over drinks in one of his empty flats. he tracked my movements when i tried to ignore him. he terrorized me into an anxious wreck, violated my privacy, unlocked my door when i tried to hide away. stripped away my self esteem. he figured out ways to intimidate me and made passive-aggressive comments about the money i owed when i tried to stand up for myself.
when he offered me drinks, made sexual remarks, touched me, held me down and tried to kiss me, i never said 'no'. i never said 'yes'. i just said nothing and let it happen. i pushed it to the back of my mind, and all the time he acted like nothing was happening at all. like it was 'normal' and that i even wanted it.

the anxiety he caused is destroying me. i can't hear the key in the front door without panicking. everytime my phone rings i just want to hide away and ignore it. i'm so exhausted i don't even want to go out anymore. i feel like i can't say anything against him because i allowed him to do this to me- like i've fallen into this pit of shame and self-disgust for what i've done to myself. i want to get help to move on from this, get away from here, but some sick voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me i deserved it, that it's my own fault and that i don't deserve help because i can't even get a job to pay my bills.

am i right to think this or am i really losing it? i just don't even know anymore.