Are single male friends appropriate for a married woman?
I'm just not sure what the general thought on this is. I thought I knew what the social norm was for this sort of thing, but I'm being told I am wrong.
My wife has never had male friends since we've been married. She's never given me any reason to think she has ever done anything innapropriate or has any interest in straying outside of our marriage either. Recently she has reconnected with a couple of men that she was friends with in high school, but hasn't spoken to in 12-15 years. One friend in particular, she has been texting, e-mailing, private messaging, etc really bothers me. She met him at the bar for a very short time near closing a few weeks ago without my knowledge. Again, I have no reason to believe it is anything but innocent, but it is a relationship with a man that I have never met, and a relationship that I am not a part of. Prior to the last couple of weeks it has always been my thought that everyone would think that making new friends of the opposite sex is innapropriate for married people. I've never met this guy, and not knowing him makes me even more unconfortable with the situation.
Am I being obsessive and controlling here? Should I let it go and get with the 2000's?
nooooooooooooooooooo!!!! you are not being obsessive, she is being VERY disrespectful - especially if she is sending "private" messages - why do they need to be private if she isn't hiding anything? I am not saying she is doing anything - but it almost like she is engaged emotionally with him. going for drinks? inappropriate. My hubby is best friends with his ex girl friend of five years - i said the only way i would be comfortable with it is if we all met for drinks and we could all be friends. I could determine for myself how the relationship is and am now ok with it.
I would ask to meet this person - there is no way she should be spending quality time with another male if it's making you uncomfortable.
talk to her - if she gets defensive, then she is being childish - ask her to put on your shoes.
Good luck!
It doesn't matter what decade or century it is, if your partner is secretly meeting someone at a bar, sending him private messages, etc., it can only mean trouble. Keep your eyes open and protect yourself. Good luck.
I do want to clarify one thing about the bar, I didn't know about it at the time, but she did tell me about it in an offhanded way about 2 weeks after the fact. Once I processed what she told me I was upset about it, and made it clear that I was not comfortable with it.
are they communicating on a fairly regular basis and she's being secretive about it? If so, that's potential trouble.
I've got guy friends – married and single. And I make it a point to let my husband know when I've heard from them, or about the guys I've caught up with after several years. Because I do that, he seems to be cool with the fact that I stay in touch with these friends. However, I make it a POINT to include my husband if I'm meeting these folks or if I'm visiting them ... it's a very open/transparent relationship because I do NOT want him feeling threatened by these friendships, but included.
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I do want to clarify one thing about the bar, I didn't know about it at the time, but she did tell me about it in an offhanded way about 2 weeks after the fact. Once I processed what she told me I was upset about it, and made it clear that I was not comfortable with it.
She did this for a reason. She sensed/knew it crossed a boundry and didn't want you to put your foot down, or become angry. If she told you before hand, you might have had more power in the situation. By waiting two weeks after the fact, what could you have done? This way, she was able to meet the guy and not feel guilty about keeping it from you.
What does your own gut REALLY say? Listen to it. Secrecy is unacceptable on any level, and I've managed to convince myself I'm still in the "young and hip" generation and I still feel that way.
I think that you have every right to feel uncomfortable. The main thing to hold on to is that you feel uncomfortable with the lack of boundaries. Seems like you were cool with her having male friends...but it's the extent of conversation, the fact that you haven't met them, and the secrecy of the whole thing that seems off. Tell her that.
If she gets defensive or can't respect the boundaries that make you comfortable then it might be time to get worried.
I'm just not sure what the general thought on this is. I thought I knew what the social norm was for this sort of thing, but I'm being told I am wrong.
My wife has never had male friends since we've been married. She's never given me any reason to think she has ever done anything innapropriate or has any interest in straying outside of our marriage either. Recently she has reconnected with a couple of men that she was friends with in high school, but hasn't spoken to in 12-15 years. One friend in particular, she has been texting, e-mailing, private messaging, etc really bothers me. She met him at the bar for a very short time near closing a few weeks ago without my knowledge. Again, I have no reason to believe it is anything but innocent, but it is a relationship with a man that I have never met, and a relationship that I am not a part of. Prior to the last couple of weeks it has always been my thought that everyone would think that making new friends of the opposite sex is innapropriate for married people. I've never met this guy, and not knowing him makes me even more unconfortable with the situation.
Am I being obsessive and controlling here? Should I let it go and get with the 2000's?
Thanks for your input!
If you let it go, you are setting youself up for quite a fall. There are red flags waiving all over the place and it's good you see them. DO NOT IGNORE THEM. You have to lay down the groundwork and put a stop to this right now.
Now your wife will be mad, nothings going on, we're just friends, yada yada. Simple, put it to her like this:
Honey, if I did A, B, and C, (all of the above things you've described above), with a single women, are you telling you you wouldn't have a problem or be concerned about this. The meeting him at a bar without your knowledge is disrespectful at least, and you should tell her this. Let her know you feel disrespected by her actions, you are hurt, and you feel the time she's investing in this "friendship" is taking time away from your marriage. YOU NEED TO STAND TALL AND BE FIRM.
Man I'm telling you, if you allow this to continue she will cheat on you.
We have been talking the whole issue to death, and where it's been pretty much left at is a stalemate of "There's absolutely nothing wrong with having guy friends" vs "It's not appropriate and I feel uncomfortable with it." Having some insight as to what the "general" point of view is to this type of situation is very insightful.
I've left out some details of the situation as a whole in order to get responses to the basic question of appropriateness in general, but I have tried very hard to represent the facts accurately on both sides of the argument.
I showed my wife the initial post, and she thought it important to clarify the fact that when she met the guy at the bar she was not alone, and he also was accompanied by his friends.
1) She doesn't fancy him and has never slept with him
2) She doesn't spend too much time with him, especially not alone
3) The relationship isn't too intimate, nothing inappropriate is discussed
4) The guy knows she is married and is also friendly towards her husband, so the husband isn't excluded from the friendship
In your case I don't necessarily think your wife is cheating, but I think she should be open about her communication with this man and should introduce you to him.
I reflect a few others opinions that while I don't think shes actually cheating with him she is disrespecting you by running behind your back. And seeing contacting him on the hush hush heres a idea why don't you offer to meet him you guys can go out to dinner or something and see how she reacts?
__________________ ~ I vote for diddleing the hell out of it if it's satisfying your urges~
We have been talking the whole issue to death, and where it's been pretty much left at is a stalemate of "There's absolutely nothing wrong with having guy friends" vs "It's not appropriate and I feel uncomfortable with it." Having some insight as to what the "general" point of view is to this type of situation is very insightful.
I've left out some details of the situation as a whole in order to get responses to the basic question of appropriateness in general, but I have tried very hard to represent the facts accurately on both sides of the argument.
I showed my wife the initial post, and she thought it important to clarify the fact that when she met the guy at the bar she was not alone, and he also was accompanied by his friends.
Theres nothing wrong with her having guy friends the prob is when she hides the contact with them if its so Innocent why hide it? I have male friends and I wouldn't hesitate to invite my partner along to hang out with us at any given time!
I would never just wonder off and meet up with them with out him knowing epically at bar/club its called respecting your other half simple ask her how she would feel if you did something like that?
Theres nothing wrong with her having guy friends the prob is when she hides the contact with them if its so Innocent why hide it? I have male friends and I wouldn't hesitate to invite my partner along to hang out with us at any given time!
I would never just wonder off and meet up with them with out him knowing epically at bar/club its called respecting your other half simple ask her how she would feel if you did something like that?
Exactly. If everything is up front and on the up and up, it's no problem IMO. But, if things are hidden, convieniently forgotten until 2 weeks later, (hint), then there's a problem.
My wife and I have friends of the opposite sex, as a matter of fact one of my best friends is a single female. But, my wife and I have set boundries on these friendships and we respect each other enough to maintain these.
Hi everyone! Thanks for helping us out with our debate. I am "Mrs. Zenith". I would like to clear my name a little here by explaining or excusing what happened--depending on your point of view. I would like to point out some things that I have tried to make clear in our debate about the details of these friendships. These are two men with whom I was very good friends at one point, but lost touch with. The only conversations I have had with either of them were either small talk or catching up with old friends. I did meet one of them at a bar, but it was not premeditated, just something that came up while I was out with my sister. I was with my sister, and he was with his friends. In fact, after meeting him there, he has since begun dating my sister. And, the "private" messages that are being referred to are only text messages. I gave my husband the password to both my email and facebook accounts so that he could read all of our posts. Unfortunately, there is no way that he can go back and read the texts, or hear the words that we actually spoke. Since we married, I gave up all of my friends, and have had no relationships outside of our own. It has been more than 12 years since I spoke to any of my friends, and I really miss that. My husband certainly did not stop me from having friendships at any point. It was just inconvenient. Now, I think that the problem is not so much that I am friends with other men, but that coincidentally it happened to be two men rather than two women that I reconnected with.
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Are single male friends appropriate for a married woman?
~ I vote for diddleing the hell out of it if it's satisfying your urges~
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