[2loved]

I am a 40something married woman. This isn't my first marriage, but it is definitely my last!! I have a wonderful husband of 5 years now, 2 daughters of my own and 4 step-children (mostly grown). I also have some wonderful friends. I love to surround myself with people, friends, family. One particular gentleman (61 years old) whom I used to work with has been an especially dear friend for nearly 7 years. I love him and his wife dearly. About 8 months ago he confided in me that his feelings were more than just friendship. Not physical really but that he loved me, now it's gone to "in love". He still says he doesn't want a carnal affair but wants me to be able to show "affection" like kissing him occasionally. I love him like the dear and unique friend and man he is but in a totally platonic way. I've tried to make him understand this without hurting his feelings or our friendship. I don't like him feeling this way toward me, or at least not knowing about it; I feel guilty because of my husband and his wife (who is also a good friend) and I haven't done anything. I've tried to explain to him that an affair of the heart is just as bad, if not worse than an affair of the flesh but he says he can't minimize his feelings for me. They are my and my daughter's best friends in the world. What do I do?!!!

[Tony T]

A 61-year-old man who doesn't understand English is a pretty sorry excuse for a friend. Any man who would make you uneasy and uncomfortable around him and who has no control over his emotions is a taco short of a combination platter.

I think you could chop this right at the root if you told him that you have absolutely no interest in him romantically or in any other way except friendship and if he brings this crap up one more time you will remove yourself from the loop and let your husband take it up with him. I really think that will do the trick.

It's very hard to believe somebody of his age would be so immature and have so little respect and consideration for your feelings. I honestly don't think he's much of a friend if he defies you and continues to pursue his own selfish agenda.

You absolutely must be as firm as you can. If he is truly your friend, he will indeed back off. If he doesn't, let your husband have a nice, friendly, civil, man-to-man talk with him. That would cure it. And if everyone concerned (except your butthole suitor friend) keeps their wits and maturity about them, all friendship will be preserved.

I have the feeling that your friend may just be bored in his marriage and you're the one who happens to be around to divert his affection. Maybe you should stear him to some other ladies....or even suggest he review his own marriage with a counsellor.

Whatever you do, be very firm and don't let him make another minute of your life uncomfortable or awkward or I will personally come over and kick his butt!!!

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I agree with Tony. You have to be very firm with him. Don't worry about hurting his feelings because his feelings will be hurt anyway since you're not reciprocating his feelings. But if he continues to harrass you about it, tell him you will tell your husband about it and he could take up his "feelings" with your husband. This has got to be a difficult situation since you are good friends with his wife and their children. I can understand how you feel guilty because he has feelings for you that he should only have for his wife. But once again, be firm with him, let him know the deal.