Ok, First I want to say that he is not a jerk or any other bad name given to most liars. We have been together for almost 2 years and during those 2 years have had our "tragic family moments", all of which he handled with dignity and care and didnt have to. We are not married and he could have walked away, and in my opinion if he were any of those bad names liars are given he could have easily walked away and never looked back.
Now, when we first met it was a 6 month long distance thing where we talked on the phone almost every day and had only really met in person for a brief 3 weeks before the long distance thing started. And didn't start actually dating until he moved to where I lived after the 6 months. We talked about everything...what we liked and disliked...yada, yada...basically we probably asked each other every question possible by the time the real relationship started (I dont count the 6 months of the LD relationship in our 2 years together)
So, we did start off very quickly after he moved to where I was and we moved in together within a couple months...I know bad idea. Anyways, a year later, we bought a house in Nova Scotia and I came across a Phone book (yes a little black one...lol) I thought GREAT! and started to flip through it, only to find out that basically his entire past is a big fat lie. He told me he was an orphan and a bunch of other stuff and i see in this book "dad" and "brother" etc....Well I freaked out and emailed him...I am not so good at face to face. I didn't tell him I knew EVERYTHING (I called his brother and got a whole lot of info...not all good) and made him explain the numbers and names in the book.
I almost died when the first thing he said to me was "I don't know where to start...I have been liar my whole life and I don't know where the truth ends and the lies begin". All I wanted him to explain was the book, I wasnt expecting him to lay it all out on the table. Admitted to a family and lots of other stuff.
So my question is - Since he admitted to me on his own alot of the stuff should I trust that he will be semi truthful in the future? Or Am I to prepare for the ride of my life? There are alot of things I know about from his brother that he didnt admit to, but I am hoping that since the door has been opened maybe he will start to tell more honestly some of these things without me having to attack him with the knowledge I already have.
I know that compulsive liars will lie further if they feel attacked and so I want to avoid this at all costs, believe me since this has happened I have been doing alot of reading. I really love him, and I am trying to convince him that I love him for who he is nw and not for who he was many years ago, but a liar has a hard time differentiating circumstances and just does it because thats what they do. I am very confused and a bit scared but I dont want to leave especially if this is because of some kind of disorder, I would feel like I am abandoning him right when he was coming clean.
Help please tell me I am not the only one out there with dilemma.
__________________ People place the most trust in the person who is most likely to deceive them, and unfortunately people are the most likely to deceive the person who loves and trusts them the most.
Since one aspect of courtship is the opportunity to screen your partner for fitness as a mate, I don't understand why you'd ignore the results of the process. At the very least, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time he's late, every time he sounds funny on the phone, each time things don't add up, won't you wonder? At the very least, I'd suggest taking a break while he deals with some very real issues. Relationships are hard enough, but a relationship with someone you can't trust just seems doomed from the beginning...
Mr. Lucky... I totally get that he may very well, take on on a huge rollecoaster ride, but doesn't the fact that he came clean with a load of stuff that he wasn't aware I even knew about mean anything? I have alot invested in this relationship...house, time...etc. I know it was a dusey but isn't there a way to make this work? Something I can do besides just running away....Its exactly what he did and why he lied. Doesn't that just show him thats it's ok to do that? Run when things get tough? He stuck by me during a really bad time and he could have easily just walked away. I know we aren't married and that gives me the freedom to some extent to go without a dramatic divorce but I want to help him not leave him. Maybe I just need to give him the opportunity to show me he will or won't do it again before I leave...but at least I will be prepared for it. I dunno.
Mishileena
If you had a husband that stuck with you while your mom had cancer, would that excuse the fact that he beat you? Should you stay in that relationship out of obligation?
Amusingly enough, some women would and do.
It's an extreme example, but you get the idea. Just because he's "stuck with you" through tough times doesn't mean you're required to stay with him, and it doesn't mean you should overlook his other shortcomings.
There are plenty of other guys out there who I'm sure would have stayed with you through those tough times and aren't compulsive liars. Wouldn't you rather find one of them?
You sound like you're trying to convince yourself that "He'll change" or you can help him change. Don't fall for that. You can't change him, and you have no guarantees that he'll change himself. From the sound of it, this guy has been lying a very long time and is quite set in his lying ways. He should probably get individual counseling for the problem, if it is so severe that he's lying about family members.
This is a HUGE red flag on your relationship. Stay around if you want to, I'm sure there are other positive aspects to the relationship that make you want to stay. However, think REALLY hard before you even ponder marrying this guy, or getting pregnant.
A compulsive liar that had not been at least contemplating trying to change and who was not feeling really crappy about it all ...when confronted initially , would have lied.
Would have said they had some kind of illness
Would have said the family was too f'd up, would have said abuse made him do it, etc, etc,
But this guy came right out and said : Ive been a liar my whole life
Yes, theres a lot of work to do here. But you said that the other 90% that makes up your life with him is good so maybe the work is worth exploring with him.
__________________
"She looks like the real thing She tastes like the real thing My fake plastic love."
Radio Head
I think there is something here. Is he ashamed of his family that he would lie and basically say that they don't exist to you?
I agree with the others that you have been dealt a blow in the trust department, but I think there is so much more to this story. Sounds like you need to meet the family before you make this relationship a permanent one.
You've been together for YEARS and he's be lying about having family? That's pretty twisted, though. You have to at least consider that part. Is he ashamed of you and not the family?
Lots of questions and his lies have really made everything about as clear as mud.
__________________ "Don't tear down a fence until you know why it was put up." ~ African proverb
IMHO, people lie when they're afraid to tell the truth and the fear is the reaction of the person they aren't telling the truth to. He's decided your opinion of whatever it is in his life he chose to lie about for you and didn't give you the dignity of doing that yourself. Nothing like forcing an opinion on someone and taking away their choices.
More than that, he didn't come clean until he was confronted.
Nope. There are more fish in the sea. Time to bait your hook and move on.
__________________
"A little jargon is all that is necessary to impose on the people. The less they comprehend, the more they admire." - St. Gregory
A compulsive liar that had not been at least contemplating trying to change and who was not feeling really crappy about it all ...when confronted initially , would have lied.
Would have said they had some kind of illness
Would have said the family was too f'd up, would have said abuse made him do it, etc, etc,
But this guy came right out and said : Ive been a liar my whole life
Yes, theres a lot of work to do here. But you said that the other 90% that makes up your life with him is good so maybe the work is worth exploring with him.
Thank you...that was my intial point was the fact that he could have only admitted to the family thing...but there was so much more that he ca out with I really wasn't expecting it. Quite frankly I was expecting him just to cover it up with more lies.
I think there is something here. Is he ashamed of his family that he would lie and basically say that they don't exist to you?
I agree with the others that you have been dealt a blow in the trust department, but I think there is so much more to this story. Sounds like you need to meet the family before you make this relationship a permanent one.
You've been together for YEARS and he's be lying about having family? That's pretty twisted, though. You have to at least consider that part. Is he ashamed of you and not the family?
Lots of questions and his lies have really made everything about as clear as mud.
After talking to his brother it is definatley not me he is ashamed of, but rather his whole enitre past. I am just worried that he i so bent on eliminating them from his life thats it's not healthy...they didn't screw up, he did. Maybe the problem is shame he can't deal with ??? I don't know
If you had a husband that stuck with you while your mom had cancer, would that excuse the fact that he beat you? Should you stay in that relationship out of obligation?
Amusingly enough, some women would and do.
It's an extreme example, but you get the idea. Just because he's "stuck with you" through tough times doesn't mean you're required to stay with him, and it doesn't mean you should overlook his other shortcomings.
There are plenty of other guys out there who I'm sure would have stayed with you through those tough times and aren't compulsive liars. Wouldn't you rather find one of them?
You sound like you're trying to convince yourself that "He'll change" or you can help him change. Don't fall for that. You can't change him, and you have no guarantees that he'll change himself. From the sound of it, this guy has been lying a very long time and is quite set in his lying ways. He should probably get individual counseling for the problem, if it is so severe that he's lying about family members.
This is a HUGE red flag on your relationship. Stay around if you want to, I'm sure there are other positive aspects to the relationship that make you want to stay. However, think REALLY hard before you even ponder marrying this guy, or getting pregnant.
We are both past the stage of having more children...both sides are grown and gone , so it's just the 2 of us. I have no intentions of being married again to anyone not just him. We agreed that at the beginning of the relationship that it was something neither of us were interested in doing again and were quite content wth just sharing our lives together. But the sharing has been apparently one sided up til now
After talking to his brother it is definatley not me he is ashamed of, but rather his whole enitre past. I am just worried that he i so bent on eliminating them from his life thats it's not healthy...they didn't screw up, he did. Maybe the problem is shame he can't deal with ??? I don't know
That's what it sounds like to me too. Like he's ashamed of something and felt that he had to lie about it.
But why would he say he was a liar all his life, if its just about some incident/s that he's ashamed of? KWIM?
I certainly don't expect you to broadcast all over this page what happened, but I hope you look into it with him and maybe with the help of a therapist.
That's what it sounds like to me too. Like he's ashamed of something and felt that he had to lie about it.
But why would he say he was a liar all his life, if its just about some incident/s that he's ashamed of? KWIM?
I certainly don't expect you to broadcast all over this page what happened, but I hope you look into it with him and maybe with the help of a therapist.
There is alot of stuff regarding his past and his family that goes back years and years....lets just say that had he been completely truthful with me I may not have been interested in being a part of it. But now I am and I want to support him because he really isn't that person now, at least not with me he isnt. I think part of it is that he grew up a bit (funny that men take so long to do that sometimes ) and now is trying to leave the past behind, but in order to do that you have to face the past in my opinion. We have yet to have a real heart to heart about this but it will be coming soon and I will make my decision based on how he wants to deal with it all. If he isn't willing to move forward by cleaning up the past then I doubt I can be of any help and will have to move on. You can't help those who won't help themselves, as much as I would like to think I can
Mishileena
Last edited by Mishileena; 6th August 2009 at 11:54 PM..
Reason: sp
You really don't know him at all, so how can you love him? He created a lie and you fell in love with it, but it wasn't real, he was lying to you all along. On the other hand, at least he has confessed to some stuff, so at least it's a step forward... but he's strung you along with lies for such a long time that if I were you I'd feel betrayed. Having said that, I'm a sucker so if I loved him I'd probably hang around and try to "fix" him, even though I know logically that fixing people never works and the sensible thing would be to dump him. Ultimately it's up to you if you want to give him a second chance or not, but I'd suggest making it clear to him that there won't be any more chances, he needs to seek medical treatment and if he lies to you again you're gone.
You really don't know him at all, so how can you love him? He created a lie and you fell in love with it, but it wasn't real, he was lying to you all along. On the other hand, at least he has confessed to some stuff, so at least it's a step forward... but he's strung you along with lies for such a long time that if I were you I'd feel betrayed. Having said that, I'm a sucker so if I loved him I'd probably hang around and try to "fix" him, even though I know logically that fixing people never works and the sensible thing would be to dump him. Ultimately it's up to you if you want to give him a second chance or not, but I'd suggest making it clear to him that there won't be any more chances, he needs to seek medical treatment and if he lies to you again you're gone.
And I agree 100%....of course I am no idiot, I know I was duped, and I dont love hm for what he was but what he is now (minus the big fat lie) It's hrd to explain and if it doesnt work out I will be very sad and I will miss him alot but I will know it will be for the best. But I will give him the opportunity to work it out.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
People place the most trust in the person who is most likely to deceive them, and unfortunately people are the most likely to deceive the person who loves and trusts them the most.
) and now is trying to leave the past behind, but in order to do that you have to face the past in my opinion. We have yet to have a real heart to heart about this but it will be coming soon and I will make my decision based on how he wants to deal with it all. If he isn't willing to move forward by cleaning up the past then I doubt I can be of any help and will have to move on. You can't help those who won't help themselves, as much as I would like to think I can 
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