Is it normal to not want to be close to your step kids. I have no desire to be their mother...they call me mom and that bothers me and I tell them to stop it. I just don't want to get close to them. I deal with them while they are around and thats it. I never say I love them because I don't. I don't hate them, I don't dislike them..I just feel nothing for them.
I think it's a little odd if your step-kids call you mom, assuming that they don't live with you and they have a biological mother in their lives who they should be calling mom. I could kind of understand it if they live with you or have no mother. What are their living arrangements, and how often are they around? Do you perhaps feel resentful of the kids because of their claim on your husband? Do you not want them to be part of your family, or do you not see them as your family? How do you feel about kids in general - do you like other kids and it's just your step-kids you don't care about, or are you indifferent to children in general?
I think if you don't like kids in general, or if you don't see your step-kids much, then it's understandable that you don't love them or see them as part of your family. My bf has kids, but I'm not much interested in kids and I hardly ever see them - they're polite when I do see them occasionally, I send them the occasional gift, but they have a mother already and I hardly know them, so I guess it's understandable that we're not close.
Silver Wolf, I'm sorry but you need to make an effort with these kids. You chose to be a part of their lives when you chose to be a part of your husband's life. They are a package deal, and to try and separate them from him is dismissing a big part of who he is.
These children have seen their parents divorce (presumably). That is painful for any child. How do you think it makes them feel when you are dismissive of them, particularly when they are calling you an affectionate name? You do not have to BE their mom, but like it or not, you are a mother-figure to them.
I don't know what the issue is with you and the children, but this isn't a healthy place for them. They will feel your dishonesty and distance. To be told not to call you mom if they feel like you have earned the honor or out of respect...something is way off here. Maybe you really shouldn't be in a relationship where the kids are already there. You don't seem mature enough for that yet.
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Whoah with the criticism... I also wouldn't like someone else's kids calling me mom, regardless of the circumstances. Even if they lived with me and I loved them and we got on ok, I still wouldn't like being called mom. I don't think anyone can criticise that.
However, in this case there's obviously an issue with how the OP feels about her step-kids - as I said before, if she hardly sees them it's understandable that she doesn't love them, but otherwise the situation needs some work. I imagine she sees the kids quite a bit since they started calling her mom, so in that case she needs to consider how she feels about them and why she doesn't love them. I think we should be helping the OP assess her feelings rather than criticising them.
Whoah with the criticism... I also wouldn't like someone else's kids calling me mom, regardless of the circumstances. Even if they lived with me and I loved them and we got on ok, I still wouldn't like being called mom. I don't think anyone can criticise that.
However, in this case there's obviously an issue with how the OP feels about her step-kids - as I said before, if she hardly sees them it's understandable that she doesn't love them, but otherwise the situation needs some work. I imagine she sees the kids quite a bit since they started calling her mom, so in that case she needs to consider how she feels about them and why she doesn't love them. I think we should be helping the OP assess her feelings rather than criticising them.
You go ahead and help her assess. I have seen too many kids hurt by adults who should have never been around them anyway. I'll stick to my original stance. Good luck.
But telling the OP to dump her marriage doesn't help - firstly she's unlikely to get divorced just because she doesn't love her step-kids, and secondly both she and her husband (and perhaps the kids too) would probably be devastated by such an event. Assuming she's staying in her marriage, I think it would be far more productive to help her sort through her feelings about her step-kids rather than just criticising her and telling her to dump her marriage, which doesn't really solve anything at all.
I've never been in a situation like that before, so not sure how much weight my opinion will hold, however, when you got involved with this person, were you aware that children would be involved? If you are now married and knew all along that kids would be part of your S/O's life...then me personally, I would feel some obligation to take part in their lives. Does your S/O know how you feel?
__________________ It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.
~Andre Gide
You knew he was part of a package when you married him. Certainly, you cannot MAKE yourself love them so shouldnt have married the package.
But whats done is done. So, you are a grown up and they are children. You are going to have to dig deep and make connections with these kids. If you dont fall in love with them you should at least create a fondness and affection for them. How could you not? If you find yourself remaining indifferent to them, you are just going to have to fake it since this is what you signed up for.
Whats really sad here is that the father had to have known you did not love his children and probably just hoped they would grow on you.
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I had a situation similar to this, except that I adored the child at first and later grew to dislike him. When we first met, he was the most adorable kid in the world, polite and well-behaved...however as time went on, he became verbally and physically abusive to my own children.
I feel for you OP, because the situation you are in stinks. I don't think you should bail on your marriage -honestly aren't there enough broken homes in the world? You did know that the kids were part of the deal [ I am assuming that your H didn't just spring them on you after you said 'I do'.], and it seems that they feel close enough to you that they are comfortable in calling you 'mom'. You didn't mention how old the children are?
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I sympathise, but I'd like more details. If they're little kids, then I can't believe its healthy to reject them in quite the way you're doing, however if they're grown........ I know exactly how you feel!
I agree with jasminetea. If they're young kids, you should just suck it up or stop spending time around them. You might not like them, but they are your husband's children and at the end of they day - they are only children.
And honestly, from what you wrote, it doesn't seem like you "feel nothing" towards them. It kind of sounds like you don't really like them. After all, you said you didn't want to get close.
I had a stepmother like this when I was younger. She even told me once (when I was 12) that she would and could never love me. She was bitter woman and I often wondered why she entered into a marriage with my father.
It hurt my feelings when she told me this and I felt unwanted in that house. It sucked.
BUT - the good news is. I'm fine. Because we had no bond, it really had no long term effect on me. My father finally divorced her and last I heard, she's still bitter.
I am a single mom about to enter into marriage with a childless man. He's WONDERFUL with my children. He has made an effort to bond with them. They get along great. I could never marry someone who didn't want to be a real part of my family.
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