Just reading another thread how her H had sex in their home. Also had an off topic discussion about this with another member about the sanctity of the marital home/bed.
Does anyone else agree that this plays a part in reconcilation? Possibly a big part? I think it's another level, a deeper level of betrayal, to bring a lover into the family home. IMO, it DOES make a difference.
it would show me a deep level of disrespect from the cheating spouse... willing to disregard at any cost - huge red flag for anger and bitter feelings toward the spouse.
Had my husband brought her into our home I doubt that I would have been able to forgive him - and I certainly would never have set foot in the house again. It would have been on the market the next day. He took her for a ride in his car and I wouldn't ride in it again. We sold it and bought a new one.
Very symbolic and a tangilbe sign of just how little respect and regard a cheater that does this has for his/her spouse and family.
On another site, a BS was enraged by this abd had her WH burn the bed in the backyard. I suggested that she insist he eat the bed, piece by piece. He shat on it, so now he can shat it.
Had my husband brought her into our home I doubt that I would have been able to forgive him - and I certainly would never have set foot in the house again. It would have been on the market the next day. He took her for a ride in his car and I wouldn't ride in it again. We sold it and bought a new one.
I agree. My H gave her a ride in his car too, but it was a company car. And he had already just gotten a new one that she hadn't been in by the time I found out.
If she had been in my house or met my children without my consent, it would have been ON!!! (In divorce court, that is).
__________________ "Don't tear down a fence until you know why it was put up." ~ African proverb
Mine brought her OM into our house a few times and into the spare bedroom. Swears never in the marital bed!!! I asked her why and she gave me the I wouldn't do that to you etc!!! But eventually I got her to admit it was only because it was easier to conceal in the spare. I have images of them making out on the couch, in the kitchen etc.
My wife did bring her lover to my home. Yes i felt very sick when I heard it from her. Did that play a role my decision to reconcile ? No, not really.
To me, the day she started the affair, she had crossed the line. I didnt differentiate too much between what she had done during the affair.
I dont think it was the anger that played a big role on her part. It was the fact that I was out of town and she had to see him. It was the OM who insisted that he come down and pay a "visit".
About bed being replaced ? I don't know - it did not matter to me. (man, i can feel the triggers already as my hands shake typing this !). Then where do you stop ? Replace cars, floors, house ? Might as well replace your significant other instead.
In the overall scheme of things, no it does not play a HUGE role - assuming that the wayward is now an xwayward and totally remorseful for what he/she had done. I understand everyone is different.
I dont think it was total lack of respect (that's what i thought) but it is more like complete apathy like owl said or being under the influence of "in love". You never know what they do in those circumstances.
I am not saying there aren't any cheaters out there who do it out of spite, arrogance, revenge. I am sure there are. That could be a huge red flag in such cases.
I was violated, the marriage was violated, and my home was violated when he betrayed me. Yes, if he has brought OW into my bed it would have made me more angry . But the betrayal would have been the same.
__________________
"She looks like the real thing She tastes like the real thing My fake plastic love."
Radio Head
It is interesting. I read few posts above. Men who are willing to reconcile dont seem to be "bothered" by it while for women it is a deal breaker. I wonder if the gender plays a role here.
I would be curoius to see responses from betrayed women who went through this. Anyone out there ?
My wife did bring her lover to my home. Yes i felt very sick when I heard it from her. Did that play a role my decision to reconcile ? No, not really.
To me, the day she started the affair, she had crossed the line. I didnt differentiate too much between what she had done during the affair.
I dont think it was the anger that played a big role on her part. It was the fact that I was out of town and she had to see him. It was the OM who insisted that he come down and pay a "visit".
About bed being replaced ? I don't know - it did not matter to me. (man, i can feel the triggers already as my hands shake typing this !). Then where do you stop ? Replace cars, floors, house ? Might as well replace your significant other instead.
In the overall scheme of things, no it does not play a HUGE role - assuming that the wayward is now an xwayward and totally remorseful for what he/she had done. I understand everyone is different.
I dont think it was total lack of respect (that's what i thought) but it is more like complete apathy like owl said or being under the influence of "in love". You never know what they do in those circumstances.
I am not saying there aren't any cheaters out there who do it out of spite, arrogance, revenge. I am sure there are. That could be a huge red flag in such cases.
Excellent point...Where & how do you stop the preverbial snowball affect?
I like your post here - It shows that people CAN move on past affairs & you don't have to "throw out the bed, the car, the bath towels & every other thing that may have been touched by the affair partner"
If you choose to forgive & stick it out - then you have to learn to let go. (to some degree) Correct?
So many times I see here in LS people that just can't let go. Whether their spouse was caught in an affair a week ago or 10 years ago. They just keep at it.
Excellent point...Where & how do you stop the preverbial snowball affect?
I like your post here - It shows that people CAN move on past affairs & you don't have to "throw out the bed, the car, the bath towels & every other thing that may have been touched by the affair partner"
If you choose to forgive & stick it out - then you have to learn to let go. (to some degree) Correct?
So many times I see here in LS people that just can't let go. Whether their spouse was caught in an affair a week ago or 10 years ago. They just keep at it.
Hmmmm - forgiving and forgetting takes time. A varying amount of time, but time. What takes place over that space of time changes you. But to get to the space where you can truly say you've forgiven you have to be able to not think about what happened every minute of every day. Sometimes to get to that space you need to remove painful triggers.
As I said earlier, we sold a car because she'd been in it. If my husband had refused to do so, that would have meant something to me. The fact that he was willing to do so also meant something. Different people need different things in order to heal. Because one person needs to "throw out the bed, the car, the bath towels & every other thing that may have been touched by the affair partner" doesn't mean they cannot - given adequate time and love by their spouse - get over the affair. It doesn't mean they are weaker or stronger, it just means that's what that person needs.
when my wife cheated,i like alot of others had my bed replaced,just the thought of laying there in the same bed where she has sex w/ another man made my skin crawl,she couldn't see the big deal(one of the reasons she's a ex)
If you choose to forgive & stick it out - then you have to learn to let go. (to some degree) Correct?
Pretty much. Easier said than done but it CAN be done. It takes a lot of courage and self-belief to do this - To constantly motivate yourself, keeping negative thoughts out, replacing them with positives. I dont know what your story is but there is a good reason why they say it takes years to truely recover.
If you cannot start the process of forgiveness then I am not sure how much progress you can make in your recovery or anything for that matter.
Oh, another point. Holding on to that resentment about OM/OW is probably not going to help either. Ofcourse I think still OM was a total coward and a complete POS and that is where I stop.
I hear/read about the MCs advising BSs not to get into affair details with their waywards and I can see their point. In my case, I had to know everything. What has happened is happened. Question is are you willing to forgive and move forward ? If no, then recovery is not for you no matter how "good" or "ugly" the affair is or was. All affairs are ugly. They destroy blind trust, innocence, families....you get the point. But that in no way means, you cannot rebuild.
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