I recently had a conversation with my girlfriend that is bothering me a little bit - I'm wondering if I am right to be bothered, or if I am looking too much into things.
For some background information, we are both 23 years old and have been dating for almost a year and a half. We also live together. I work full time, and she is in the middle of her graduate program.
In any case, I have always had this feeling like she might end up choosing her career over our relationship. She used to talk a lot about some of her professional goals (such as getting a Phd), but would not talk about how I fit into the equation. I brought this up with her a while ago, and was generally satisfied with her response - basically that I was definitely in her plans and that I was just looking into things too much.
So, a couple days ago, we had a conversation about some places that we might like to live.
I asked her about a pretty specific scenario: if I have a job in a particular city that I enjoy and want to keep, and she needs to start looking for jobs, will she look for jobs in a different city?
I told her that if the situation were reversed, and I was looking for jobs, I would only look in places where she was - which is true.
She would not commit to saying that. She said she would certainly talk with me about it and do everything she could, but that she has no idea what things will be like at the time. She also said that she did not work so hard to get some crappy job.
When I pressed her about it a little more, she said that if we were engaged, things would obviously be different.
Now, I don't think it's unreasonable at all for people to put work above their relationship. It happens all the time.
It does bother me though, that I am willing to commit to something that she is not willing to commit to. It makes me feel like I value the relationship more than she does.
The whole "it would be different if we were engaged" thing bothers me some as well because she is basically asking me to commit even more, without committing to anything herself.
I don't know - this is not something that will really come up for at least another year, but something about it doesn't make me feel good.
Basically she is saying if this relationship is going to lead to future plans of getting married then she would be all in. If you however never or don't want to be married then she is not going to move somewhere to get a job where you are because if things don't work out then she would be stuck near you.
However, i believe she is committed to you but she is saying if this is not going to happen then don't count on her moving where you are. It makes sense because she is thinking about her future and what she wants. If you two don't want the same things then it won't work out.
I completely agree with Lucky. Both of you are still young and she is thinking of her future, it sounds like she definatley wants to have you included in her future but at the same time engagement is a committment showing that you want to spend your life with this person and if she does not know that for sure then yeah she does not want be put into a situation where a couple of years from now she has followed you with your dreams and found a job near where you are and then one day it doesent work out and she turned down a great job somewhere else in order to be closer to you. She is thinking of her future, Make sense? I think you have a great strong woman and you should definatley hold onto this one. If you are really willing to commit like you say you are then maybe you should purpose?
Location: In an igloo in Canada- because we don't have houses.
Posts: 217
My Vote: depends. What is so great about your job that you want to keep? And honestly money comes into it. Who is going to make more. If her job pays very well but you would have to leave your pretty good job, for her GREAT job... then yeah you move.
You're right to feel weird about the whole engaged thing, you have a good point, but so does she. She's worked very hard for her future career and shouldn't have to give it up to stay with you at your good job. Therefore it depends on the specific job at hand.
The story you've described reminds me of a very similar situation with my own ex.
She was always very independent and had her own ideas about her future and goals.
The thing was, that when the time came to compromise, she just wasn't that keen.
It wasn't that she didn't care, it was that she was in a place in her life where she just wasn't ready to think about compromise.
I suspect your girlfriend is much the same. You're both still very young and will both have ideas about what you want out of life. You'll either both have to learn to compromise or accept that sooner or later you guys will want to move separate directions.
I will offer this though. Good relationships, I mean really solid loving relationships are *not* an everyday thing. I've met only a single woman like my ex in my first 30 years on this earth and I still miss her terribly sometimes.
Know who you are and what you're willing to give on. Work backwards from there.
I have the exact same situation as well, only difference is its about traveling/work. She constantly talks about her future plans to blow this popsicle stand and go her for 2 years or move here, when I try to be supportive and encourage her then her plans start not including me at all because "i would slow her down".
In my situation I can't really give you a answer because I'm currently in the thick of it, but my opinion on the subject is that looking to far in the future will burn you. Things change, what was important to you in high school probably isn't what's important to you now, when she graduates her feelings may be stronger for you then they are now. As much as I believe this its so easy to get burned for it later because some things won't change.
I know in my situation I'm torn between logic and emotion. If your anything like me you hope one day you wake up and they will both agree, to have your problem just disappear. The unfortunate truth though is the longer you spend trying to figure it out, the more committed you feel to fixing it, until one day you realize how much time and how many other experience's you've lost because of it. Regardless, its a tough call with no easy answer
__________________
"My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in!"
"if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it"
Why do you expect her to promise you to limit herself in the future when your two's future is not promised by you?
When a guy is asking about the future together and willingly says that he's willing to move for her if careers should intervene it speaks volumes more than a ring ever does.
Not that a ring is bad, or is marriage, infact I like the idea of marriage if it's two people who are genuinly up for it, but he's already said himself what he's willing to do, what does a ring prove that doing these actions cannot?
Basically she is saying if this relationship is going to lead to future plans of getting married then she would be all in. If you however never or don't want to be married then she is not going to move somewhere to get a job where you are because if things don't work out then she would be stuck near you.
However, i believe she is committed to you but she is saying if this is not going to happen then don't count on her moving where you are. It makes sense because she is thinking about her future and what she wants. If you two don't want the same things then it won't work out.
We have talked about marriage before and it is very clear that it is what I want if the relationship continues to go well.
Why do I have to propose before she is willing to commit to anything?
I completely agree with Lucky. Both of you are still young and she is thinking of her future, it sounds like she definatley wants to have you included in her future but at the same time engagement is a committment showing that you want to spend your life with this person and if she does not know that for sure then yeah she does not want be put into a situation where a couple of years from now she has followed you with your dreams and found a job near where you are and then one day it doesent work out and she turned down a great job somewhere else in order to be closer to you. She is thinking of her future, Make sense?
It's reasonable, yes. But at some point can't you put faith in things working out?
I am essentially doing that by committing to move where she is if SHE is the one with the good job, but she's not willing to put in that same faith with me.
My Vote: depends. What is so great about your job that you want to keep? And honestly money comes into it. Who is going to make more. If her job pays very well but you would have to leave your pretty good job, for her GREAT job... then yeah you move.
You're right to feel weird about the whole engaged thing, you have a good point, but so does she. She's worked very hard for her future career and shouldn't have to give it up to stay with you at your good job. Therefore it depends on the specific job at hand.
I was talking in hypotheticals, but it's not that unrealistic. There is a very real chance that I will have a great job at the time, and be making more than her.
As far as "she has worked hard and shouldn't have to give it up" well that's a choice isn't it? Wouldn't she be putting her career ahead of me in her priorities?
Doesn't make me feel good, especially considering I have already told her that I would not do the same and that she is at the top of my priorities.
It's reasonable, yes. But at some point can't you put faith in things working out?
I am essentially doing that by committing to move where she is if SHE is the one with the good job, but she's not willing to put in that same faith with me.
This girl sounds very committed to you. She does have faith in you but actions speak louder than words. What she is saying is that she does want to get married eventually and she is not going to stick around if its something that you don't want or if you don't plan on marrying her. You sound very committed too but she doesn't want to be stuck somewhere with a guy who isn't ever going to marry her...I totally agree with this. There are some relationships that work great and they are both committed but one may not want marriage and then she would be stuck with a career near a man who loved her and miss out on opportunities if this was not leading to marriage and it would be a complete waste of time. Even if this is a solid relationship, if you don't get engaged she is going to leave to wherever her career takes her. I am sure she will have great opportunities to have great jobs but if you want a future with her then you got to get engaged and want the same thing too. I think it completely makes sense because she is thinking of her future its not that she doesn't have faith in you but ACTIONS again speak louder than words. If you see a future with this girl then getting engaged would not be a big deal it would just be another step to solidifying your relationship with her. If you don't see a future with this girl then don't drag it on. She sounds like she knows what she wants in life and i admire her for that and she sounds very smart.
I recently had a conversation with my girlfriend that is bothering me a little bit - I'm wondering if I am right to be bothered, or if I am looking too much into things.
For some background information, we are both 23 years old and have been dating for almost a year and a half. We also live together. I work full time, and she is in the middle of her graduate program.
In any case, I have always had this feeling like she might end up choosing her career over our relationship. She used to talk a lot about some of her professional goals (such as getting a Phd), but would not talk about how I fit into the equation. I brought this up with her a while ago, and was generally satisfied with her response - basically that I was definitely in her plans and that I was just looking into things too much.
So, a couple days ago, we had a conversation about some places that we might like to live.
I asked her about a pretty specific scenario: if I have a job in a particular city that I enjoy and want to keep, and she needs to start looking for jobs, will she look for jobs in a different city?
I told her that if the situation were reversed, and I was looking for jobs, I would only look in places where she was - which is true.
She would not commit to saying that. She said she would certainly talk with me about it and do everything she could, but that she has no idea what things will be like at the time. She also said that she did not work so hard to get some crappy job.
When I pressed her about it a little more, she said that if we were engaged, things would obviously be different.
Now, I don't think it's unreasonable at all for people to put work above their relationship. It happens all the time.
It does bother me though, that I am willing to commit to something that she is not willing to commit to. It makes me feel like I value the relationship more than she does.
The whole "it would be different if we were engaged" thing bothers me some as well because she is basically asking me to commit even more, without committing to anything herself.
I don't know - this is not something that will really come up for at least another year, but something about it doesn't make me feel good.
Thoughts?
Seems like she sees a big difference in level of commitment of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship versus the commitment of husband-wife. Seems like she sees a big difference and you don't. It looks like she sees the commitment level of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship(beyond not dating others I assume) and not very high and is not willing to take a lot of risks, without more commitment. A boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is not permanent so I think its perfectly reasonable to consider decisions that are permanent as maybe more important than things that aren't.
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