Here is my situation. I have been dating my gf for over 3 years now. We are in love. Sadly though, about once every other month or so, we get in a fight that results in her telling me its over and saying horrible things like, "I hate you" or one time she even said she was going to sleep with another guy (who the hell says that??) etc... She even packed up all my stuff once in an attempt to throw me out (we live together)
Then the next day or so after the fight she seems to regret what she did/said, but she has the hardest time appologizing for it. I have to beg her to appologize whenever she does something wrong... she just cant seem to do it on her own much.
Anyway, the problem is sometimes when we fight she just completely loses control of herself. I know I'm not perfect and sometimes the fight is a result of some wrongdoing of mine (nothing ever too serious), but the fact remains sometimes she cant calmly talk it through. It seems that atleast once every other month she is trying to break up or saying something extremely hurtful.
Also, it is not like our arguments progress gradually until she is out of control. It seems that she goes from kind of mad to super mad very quickly.
When she does this I try my best to remain calm and realize that what she is doing is not based on her true feelings but on her impulses. However, often times it brings me to tears. It seems that a lot of the time when she sees me crying she starts to gain control of herself again.
I've talked to her about this and told her it hurts me, and she has told me she wouldnt do it anymore but she always does it again. I think she sincerly means it when she says she wont do it, however it appears she just completely loses control of herself when we have a big fight ( keep in mind its not every fight she does this.)
But besides those couple of days per month or per every other month, she and I get along great for the most part. And we really care for each other.
Also, I realize that her period may have something to do with her behaivor, but I cant imagine it would affect someone this badly.
This is a serious concern of mine because I want to marry her, but I have told her I wont until she can keep herself in control when we have a big fight. I refuse to marry her and then have her threaten divorce every couple of months.
I, at one point in my life, used to be this girl. I had a lot of deep rooted anger about past events in my life and did not know how to deal with them. Eventually I grew past them, and accepted I couldn't change the past. The past was just the past. I learned to love myself more, and be able to look myself in the mirror and be okay with who I was.
But besides those couple of days per month or per every other month, she and I get along great for the most part. And we really care for each other.
Also, I realize that her period may have something to do with her behaivor, but I cant imagine it would affect someone this badly.
Any advice on how to handle this?
Thanks in advance
Well, sadly in some cases- it does. I have major turmoil every month.
Emotional in every way. Depression, euphoria, rage, listless... all the extremes. I feel like another person during those days- then it simply goes away.
When I was younger, I acted out with it. I have learned to control how I respond to it. It's really frustrating to experience it though.
If it's happening just prior to her period... that's a pretty good tip off.
She should speak to her doctor.
__________________ "Running around, robbing banks, all whacked on the Scooby Snacks"..... BloodHound Gang (FLC)
my gf second guess everything in her life before her period. This includes her future career, and our relationship... just everything. It's not fun, trust me.
Also, I realize that her period may have something to do with her behaivor, but I cant imagine it would affect someone this badly.
My first response to this statement was "really??!!"
I don't want to offend the posters who say they've dealt with this type of (potential) PMS, but I personally have never dealt with it, and I have many girlfriends who have never dealt with it either. I mean, OCCASIONALLY (NOT every month) we might get moody, but not to the extent you're describing. If this can honestly be attributed to your gf's period, she NEEDS to go talk to her doctor about it.
I had an emotionally/physically abusive bf who acted kinda like that (there were a couple behaviors that I was like check, check - not all, obviously he didn't cry, etc.). He had (and from what I hear still has) anger issues.
Read some of the stuff available online on PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder, basically very severe PMS). I was this person about 10 years ago and it was madness. Have your girl track her period and emotional/physical symptoms for four or five months on a good free menstrual diary site like www.mymonthlycycles.com, then have her take her personal data to her doctor. The behavioral and physical pattern is usually undeniable.
PMDD gets a bad rap because some say it was used as an excuse to repackage and market SSRIs like Prozac to an untapped female market. While I never took care of the issue with medication, I definitely think the disorder is real. I control it by watching my diet very closely (avoiding dairy, sugar, soy before that time), supplementing with calcium, magnesium and 5-HTP (natural anti-depressant/mood lifter), exercising regularly and working on my controlling anger issues every day with meditation and other stress relievers. I take a lot more alone time during the few days before I menstruate. I have to take deep breaths and remind myself that my short fuse and ability to be very mean are primarily chemical when things get heated. I have not hurt anyone's feelings or had an outburst in almost a decade. Way back before I made the commitment to improve myself, I had been known to throw shoes, kick people out of my house (they didn't live with me, but still), tackle...
Back when I allowed myself to act on my chaotic feelings inside, I would be very unkind and spontaneously end relationships over pretty mundane arguments because it felt like I would never be able to stand living with someone else and it was devastating and frustrating. The tension could just build instantly into full-blown resentment and rage. Solitude is a MASSIVE help during this time, as are people who understand how to calmly walk away from an argument before it gets out of control. I have also learned to be that person!
The condition just feels like a near-suicidal frustration, and is classified as a sort of episodic depression every month. It does not give anyone a right to mistreat anyone, and people with this disorder must take responsibility for themselves as much as the next person. Knowing how to reduce the symptoms and focus on one's self is a very key step in living with the disorder.
Good luck. Your lady is probably a very smart and sensitive being and there's nothing wrong with that, but ending relationships and saying nasty things is just plain verbal abuse. No one deserves that.
My first response to this statement was "really??!!"
I don't want to offend the posters who say they've dealt with this type of (potential) PMS, but I personally have never dealt with it, and I have many girlfriends who have never dealt with it either. I mean, OCCASIONALLY (NOT every month) we might get moody, but not to the extent you're describing. If this can honestly be attributed to your gf's period, she NEEDS to go talk to her doctor about it.
I had an emotionally/physically abusive bf who acted kinda like that (there were a couple behaviors that I was like check, check - not all, obviously he didn't cry, etc.). He had (and from what I hear still has) anger issues.
I know what you mean. I used to doubt the whole PMS stuff and call it excuses for tantrums too. Then I stopped being on birth control. I can't say as I have a problem with PMS, and I certainly don't have PMDD, but I have noticed a difference.
If something bothers or upsets me right before my period, I can get whipped into a frenzy that I consider disproportionate to the actual problem upsetting me before I stop to realize that I might just be making a mountain out of a molehill. Every now and then, unfortunately, realize it after I've flipped out over whatever is pissing me off.
So if the OP's GF is doing this every other month it just could be a hormonal thing. If she gets it under control (talks to her doc and they figure something out) it could help. Things will still piss her off but she might not be so extreme about it.
I used to spas out on my xh llike that and now I know a lot of it was due to my period and some was due to him being an azzhole.
anyway you still need to set boundaries with her and not allow anyone regardless of their reason to verbally abuse you. You also may want to stop crying around her so much. Its hard for a woman to have respect for a man that cries a lot. I think its okay for a man to cry but not all the time. My xh used to cry more than me and it was really hard for me to respect him. I look for a man to be stronger than me in most areas.
__________________ Power is having the ability to walk away from that which I desire (him), to protect that which I love (me).
I have to say I agree that PMS ads to the problem, however, not every time this has happened has been near her period... so I know that the issue is there regardless.
Also, I think I failed to mention that this has been a problem since the first few months of our dating.
Another thing I would like to say is I have tried to just leave her alone during these outbursts but that only makes it worse. For example, last time this happened, I just told her that I was going to give her space, so she could cool off, so I went to my friends house. Then she started saying how I would rather be with my friends than her, and how I didn't even care that she was going to break up with me. And I told her "I would care if it were real, however I know from experience that you need to just cool down"... well since her usual "I am going to break up with you" didnt cause the reaction she wanted (I'm guessing she was looking for a reaction) then she said how she would sleep with someone else... something she never said before....
So I dont know how to handle the situation... whether I stay or go doesn't help.
I've considered the doctor, like some of you have mentioned, also a therapist too. Maybe, that is what I have to try next.
Also, someone mentioned how I shouldnt cry too much.. so I should clarify that I dont do it every time or even most of the time... especially lately because I just know that she isnt herself during these times. It affected me a lot more emotionally in the beginning of our relationship because I took her words and actions seriously. And another thing is that I want to show her I care about her and our relationship so I would let the tears come when I could have stopped them If I wanted to... I know that isn't the right thing to do, so I don't do that anymore.
I want to believe she will change, but I am losing hope.
Thank you all again for your responses.. I take them all seriously
I have to say I agree that PMS ads to the problem, however, not every time this has happened has been near her period... so I know that the issue is there regardless.
Also, I think I failed to mention that this has been a problem since the first few months of our dating.
Another thing I would like to say is I have tried to just leave her alone during these outbursts but that only makes it worse. For example, last time this happened, I just told her that I was going to give her space, so she could cool off, so I went to my friends house. Then she started saying how I would rather be with my friends than her, and how I didn't even care that she was going to break up with me. And I told her "I would care if it were real, however I know from experience that you need to just cool down"... well since her usual "I am going to break up with you" didnt cause the reaction she wanted (I'm guessing she was looking for a reaction) then she said how she would sleep with someone else... something she never said before....
So I dont know how to handle the situation... whether I stay or go doesn't help.
I've considered the doctor, like some of you have mentioned, also a therapist too. Maybe, that is what I have to try next.
Also, someone mentioned how I shouldnt cry too much.. so I should clarify that I dont do it every time or even most of the time... especially lately because I just know that she isnt herself during these times. It affected me a lot more emotionally in the beginning of our relationship because I took her words and actions seriously. And another thing is that I want to show her I care about her and our relationship so I would let the tears come when I could have stopped them If I wanted to... I know that isn't the right thing to do, so I don't do that anymore.
I want to believe she will change, but I am losing hope.
Thank you all again for your responses.. I take them all seriously
Sorry, but if it's not PMDD or something else period related...I'm still seeing a lot of red flags of an emotional abuser. Maybe I'm reading too much into this without having the whole story. But, for example, one of the things you're describing is a cycle (starting early in your relationship!!) of her making you validate your feelings for her (with no reason, as far as I can tell from you've posted - meaning she's not blowing up because you did something questionable to make her think you're cheating for example - ps even if that's the case her behavior wouldn't be OK, but I'm sure you know that). That is a freaking huge red flag of emotional abuse. I've been there, done that, and went through therapy for it (being on the receiving end, perhaps like yourself).
Maybe you should do some googling, and talk to a doctor yourself?
She probably won't change so don't bet on it. You on the other hand have the ability to change. Based on your previous post since her outburts are not due to PMS she just has a problem with respect. You have a problem with setting boundaries with respect to how you allow others to treat you.
If someone disrepects me or keeps threatening to leave I would break up with them because what the are doing is making me emotionally depnedent on them. You become dependent on them to make you feel good or bad.
You need to establish boundaries with her and stick to them (oh yea, that's the hard part). If you want things to change let her know that you will no longer be her emotional punching bag and if she can't be an equal partner you will be forced to make a decision about the relationship.
This is really subtle so you need to be conscious of how you allow her to talk to you, her tone, inflection etc.
Could also be psychological and/or organic brain chemistry issues. There also might be undiagnosed physical issues. When was her last physical? Has she had her thyroid (TSH) tested? Hemoglobin?
As an example, when I was caring for my mom, whenever she'd forget to take her Metformin (a diabetes med), her blood sugar would spike and her psychosis would worsen. Get the sugars under control and she went back to 'normal'. We're all just big chemical factories.
I don't envy you. It's tough when you love someone and they treat you like that. I know what that feels like. You may have a tough decision to make. I wish you wisdom and strength
Just reread both your posts again. I'm probably going to be thinking about this all night, because there are just so many things that are bothering me about what you're saying, and bringing up my own memories, etc. Can't help but think back and compare.
Anyways. After rereading, I just wanted to add that if this is an issue of emotional abuse, there is nothing you can possibly do to change or fix the situation, except to remove yourself from it and from her. Permanently. You are absolutely right when you say that "whether I stay or go doesn't help."
I have a picture of one of the cycles of abuse, which is 1. tension building, 2. incident, 3. reconciliation and 4. calm - I don't know how to insert a picture like other people have though.
Also, just fyi, by definition, rage is abuse. Rage is screaming, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish.
These are just some things to think about. If I were you I'd look into emotional abuse a little bit more, see if it applies to you and your relationship, maybe talk to a therapist or doctor...
Again, thank you for the replies, it helps so much to talk about it.
It is interesting some of you have mentioned a lack of respect she may have for me. I have been noticing a lack of respect in how she treats me recently. I have made this known to her as well.
The lack of respect isnt just evident when she has an outburst, but also in smaller confrontations. For example, the other day she asked me a question and I was preoccupied so I didnt reply fast enough for her.. then she proceeds to call me a jerk or something. Although being called a jerk isnt a big deal, I felt it was unwarrented and showed a lack of respect.
Or today, she came home from work and we were supposed to go visit her parents (which is a 2 hour drive) and she wanted me to be ready by a certain time... well when I wasn't ready she started yelling and even told me she was leaving without me. I told her that although its ok to be upset, I didn't do anything to deserve her disrespectful behaivor towards me. And for the first time in a while I stood up for myself and told her that she needed to appologize before we left. (I'm not sure if this was the best way to handle that situation) But guess what happened... she wouldn't appologize and left without me.
And I know, again, that I'm no saint, and I've been disrespectful to her at times, but I've never taken it as far as she does.
As far as a chemical imbalance goes... I think its possible, she hasnt had a physical in ages, so maybe I should take her to the doctor.
I regret not setting boundaries earlier on in our relationship.
I know I'm making her sound like a witch, but she really is a sweatheart most of the time, and we love each other a lot. I know a lot of you wouldn't stand for someone being disrespectful and would end the relationship, but honestly I dont feel I could that. She's been such a huge part of my life for these last three years, I feel that I should do everything I can to make it work.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
