Quick history: I've been married for 3 1/2 years. My husband & I dated on & off for 4 years prior to our marriage. We were not together but still having sex when I got pregnant, and we decided to do the "right thing" and get married.
Our relationship was never good. We started dating our junior year in high school, and by 3 months into the relationship he was cheating on me. Well we dated on & off & finally moved in together after high school. Again, the relationship was not good, he was abusive physically & verbally, and eventually I kicked him out. But we kept in touch (basically by sex!) and that's when I ended up getting pregnant. Since then we've been civil to one another, got married & bought a house. We both were trying to just keep peace for our new unexpected family & responsibility. I love my daughter more than anything in this world, but I don't love my husband. I APPRECIATE him, and CARE for him, but don't love him. He works hard & is a great daddy, but as far as a husband and a friend, he is neither. We've been to counseling on & off since we've been married, but I just don't see the relationship heading anywhere. Yet, when I speak of divorce or separation to him, he's on the verge of tears & says how much he loves me. (Although, any other time he has nothing good to say to me at all, I'm pretty much ignored.) I think he wants to stay together only for our daughter & because he has adopted my family as his. He only has his dad & brother left in his family , and they rarely talk. My dad & him are good buddies, so I think he doesn't want to lose that.
I'm desparate. I want what's best for my daughter & her life, but I think that I also deserve to be in a loving relationship, not just living with someone.
I'll take any advice you can give, negative or positive. Thanks in advance!!!!
I was one of those kids whoes parents stayed together for ME and it sucked ass big time. I was soooooo relieved the day they divorced... and as a result both my parents are happy now which makes me even so happy.
I think you should talk with your hubby nad let him know you care for him and want to be friends, he's allowed to talk to your dad and all, but marriage is not for you both.
You both deserve to be happy, and if it's not together so be it...
Living in a loveless marriage is sinful and a waste of a very good life and the only one you'll have on this planet. You are doing your daughter no good to live with a man you don't care for or who is just a buddy.
Talk it out with him and let him know you will let him have all the access he needs to his daughter...but that it's not fair to either of you to remain together. Be firm and do not budge, no matter how much he cries and begs.
You deserve a marriage filled with love and passion. Too many people live as you are now and they are unhappy all the days of their lives.
Thank you for your replies.... I've been feeling this way since we've been married, and its really in the past year that I have really seriously considered ending it.
I need to work up the courage & just do it! I wish there were someway to make it easier but I know it will be hard. Not to mention suddenly becoming a single mom. However, I think that I'm too young to be stuck in a unsatisfying marriage (I'm 24). I don't want to be one of those people who divorce when they're like 50 & then feel too old to do the "dating scene" anymore.
I appreciate your advice, now I just need to make it happen!
24 is a very young age. I mean it is a VERY VERY young age.
Not saying you shouldnt try to find true love at any age.. but you guys have been together since junior year in high school! You have been unfortunately deprived from some of the finest years for mingling and meeting tons of new people.
He is a good father to his child. Thats all he has proven to be in your eyes and that isnt enough for a marriage. You are supposed to spark up everytime you see him. Your husband is supposed to be your other half. Someone who protects you and bends over backwards for you. Besides showering you with love and passion.
He is not good to you. He can still be the father to his child without being married to you. I grew up with divorced parents and as long as I knew that both of them cared for me it never effected me. Just dont use the daughter as a tool to get over on eachother. Treat her and eachother with respect and it will be fine.
You deserve much better. Especially at this young age! Go out and have fun. Go date around and have some drinks! You have this giant anchor holding you down from enjoying youth!
I agree, I do feel as if I was deprived of certain things. Not that I want to go out & whore it up or anything, but I never really got to date a lot of people. I never got to go out & do the club/bar scene - I was pregnant at 20!
That whole spark thing got to me cuz you're exactly right. This marriage is certianly not what I had dreamed of when I was young. I want to be able to miss him when we're away from each other, I want to be able to hug him & kiss him without being pushed away. I want to be happy to see him when I get home from work. I want him to be my best friend. But, that is just not happening.
I opened my own savings account & as soon as I have enough $$ saved to get my own place, my daughter & I are out. You're right, I am way too young, and life is way too short!
Thanks everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it & have taken it to heart. I needed that 3rd party view. Thanks again!
I asked my husband to move out & he reluctantly did - 5 weeks ago.... I have never been happier! It is such a sweet relief to come home & not have to deal with him. If I had any doubts in my mind before he left, they have been erased by peace.
I have filed for divorce, but he insists he will not sign the papers, as this is not what he wants. He refuses to discuss anything: the finances, the house, our daughter... he just refuses to believe that this is what I want. He comes to the house in the middle of the night - I'll wake up & he'll be sitting on my bed. It's quite scary. He won't give me his keys to the house since he states he's still on the mortgage & has a right. He calls me at work, at home, in the middle of the night, on my cell - he's really getting psycho - he just won't leave me alone. I am trying to be sympathetic to his feelings.... I know he's hurt.... but I just don't love him anymore & am ready for this to end.
I am so ready to move on with my life! I even just wish he would find a girlfriend or something so that he would leave me alone! Any suggestions of how to deal with him?
I'm not sure what state you live in, but Texas is a no-fault state, which means you don't have to have any reason for divorce other than wanting one. If I had to do my divorce all over again, I would have had my ex served with paperwork in the beginning, instead of letting him have the power of dragging it out for a year and a half.
You can also change the locks on the house and get to an attorney. You pretty much described stalking behavior.
You said in your original post that he was abusive physically & verbally. He could become very dangerous. We've all read or seen on the news - the families that are torn apart because one partner takes the life of their spouse and kids - and no one saw it coming.
I would definitely file for some type of restraining order and change the locks on the house. Your first duty is to protect yourself and your daughter. The more you try to be nice to him, the more he will probably take it that he has a chance. And sooner or later when he realizes he doesn't it will be an ugly situation. Take care!
Maintaining a relationship for the welfare of the child is better done as friends with the former spouse, but unfortunately not that easy. You can't go through life thinking your doing something for the child, your happiness impresses upon the child in ways you will near realize.
If your luck the other part will agree to a parting of the ways and share the quality time needed for the child, if not then a second person might be willing and able to provide the child with some support and guidance.
Marriage due to getting pregant is just not practical, if the child was conceived in lust instead of love then you only give that child a poor life. Pro-Lifers seem to forget that quality of family is just as important as the life itself.
Unfortunately for woman who make this mistake the finding of a good man is problematic since the men with half a brain will question the motive behind a relationship with a woman who has a child. Since women tend to be protective of thier child and have a need for security in thier life, the relationship might be based on need and not the relationship.
Your best bet is to talk over the opions with your spouse and see if some agreement can be made on going separate ways or allowing you to pursue another relationship while being married. Life is way too short to live even one day unhappy and unfullfilled.
Good luck!
Karl
You are so brave, and I get shivers reading about the emotional progress you have made since your first post. I am sorry, as well, to read how your ex is behaving so badly.
I am the person behind Mid-life Pipedreams?, (under Infidelity, forum) having to deal with all the problems that you would be finding yourself in later on if you had stayed with him. I am singing that Rod Stuart song, "I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger." I wish I knew what YOU know know, when I was younger.
I am in am emotionally unsatisfying marriage. It is empty, irritating and at times loathsome. He cries too when I talk of us splitting up. He has no capacity to undersatnd just how emotionally empty our relationship is. But I stuck with it (Still am in it), causing my current crisis. Funny thing, my hubby is also great friends with my father -- probably the most annoying, dysfunctional person in my life.
Anyway, read my story anytime you have doubts about your decision to leave him.
Best wishes for you and your daughter, and (yes) for him as well.
I have to agree with Sketchy on this one. I too grew up in a disfunctional family. I am 34 and still wish my parents would have divorced just so everyone could have been NORMAL.
You have to think of your daughter here. This is NOT a normal relationship that she is witnessing.
Although I'm not going to blame my parents for my own bad decisions as far as relationships go, I have always found myself searching out abusers much like my father. My brother, my sister have also had one bad reltionship after another. I know you wouldn't want to take the chance of maybe this happening to her.
The physical and mental abuse she is witnessing is something I feel she will grow to see as normal and maybe one day accept this same sort of behavior herself.
In my opinion, I think it would be best for her to see Mommy and Daddy get along as friends, rather than staying together and see all the bitterness. Your call and good luck to you!
Wow, I have to say your last post scared the yell out of me. Please for your and your daughter's sake as well make out a police report.
Just a note.... It is not a report when you call the cops. It is only considered a report when you sign your name to a piece of paper stating what has happened. (Been there)!!!
Change the locks, get a dog, get a restraining order.
Just to throw the thought out there. You are going thru a divorce with a child, where I'm sure there may be a shared parenting. Have you considered supervised visitation?
Maybe I'm overreacting here but the guy sounds like he is losing it. A perfect way to get even with you would be thru your daughter. There are so many cases of kidnapping by the natural parent it's sickening.
I hate to put more burden on you, but better safe than sorry!
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First time poster, long time lurker! NEED HELP!
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