[arigonlover]

Help! I love my boyfriend. We have lived together for 5 years. He has 3 grown children he doesn't see very much. I have no children. We got engaged last year and have been talking about getting married. I want at least one child. He says he doesn't want any more kids. In the past 5 years, he has said he didn't really want anymore, but if we won the lottery it would be ok, or "he wished I was the mother of his kids, I'd be such a good mom, etc" - So he has sent mixed messages to me about having kids. I have had a previous miscarriage with my ex husband. I truthfully do not know if I could have a child. However, I have told my bf that I wanted the chance to try to have one - I don't want to use fertility pills, I don't want to adopt, I just want to go off of birth control and if I get pregnant then we will be blessed. If not, ok. I am 35 years old, my time to have children is getting slimmer. I just want a chance to try.

We love each other. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. We have made plans for the future and purchased things together and all of our plans are achievable with or without children. Splitting up is not an option for either of us. But I want a kid, he don't. He won't change his mind it seems, and I am adamant about wanting to try. I don't think I am being unreasonable. I offered a prenup that if we had a kid and for some reason decided to get divorced that I would take no support, etc. from him. He said not the issue. I don't understand - I feel like if he loves me as much as he says he does, and since he has had children and understands what a wonderful gift they can be, why he won't give me the chance to have our child.

I told him I had spent my whole life being responsible and using protection and that I wouldn't just 'get pregnant" without the father knowing. But, I asked him if I was pregnant right now what would he do. He said he would be upset, but we would make it through it and he wouldn't leave. But still - he won't agree to let me try to have a baby when we get married.

Any advice?

[Tony T]

If you are adamant about having at least one child, as you say, and he absolutely doesn't want any, I see that you have no choice but to find a man who does.

This man had to have understood that you wanted children all along during your courting and he mislead you...or at least didn't tell you the complete truth. He is a fraud. Children are a very important aspect of marriage...to some they are the ONLY reason for getting married.

If you did not very clearly let this man know all along how important it was for you to have children, shame on you. If you thought his mixed messages meant he would have children, or at least one child with you, and you feel that what he told you indicated this then he was defrauding you and leading you on.

I'd say this man has perpetrated a terrible hoax on you. There is simply no way you can have a marriage with somebody who would do such a terrible thing.

I don't advise you accidentally getting pregnant because that could present a whole new set of problems. You need a man who wants kids and thank God you FINALLY got clear on his position in the matter before you married him.