[arigonlover]

Help! I love my boyfriend. We have lived together for 5 years. He has 3 grown children he doesn't see very much. I have no children. We got engaged last year and have been talking about getting married. I want at least one child. He says he doesn't want any more kids. In the past 5 years, he has said he didn't really want anymore, but if we won the lottery it would be ok, or "he wished I was the mother of his kids, I'd be such a good mom, etc" - So he has sent mixed messages to me about having kids. I have had a previous miscarriage with my ex husband. I truthfully do not know if I could have a child. However, I have told my bf that I wanted the chance to try to have one - I don't want to use fertility pills, I don't want to adopt, I just want to go off of birth control and if I get pregnant then we will be blessed. If not, ok. I am 35 years old, my time to have children is getting slimmer. I just want a chance to try.

We love each other. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. We have made plans for the future and purchased things together and all of our plans are achievable with or without children. Splitting up is not an option for either of us. But I want a kid, he don't. He won't change his mind it seems, and I am adamant about wanting to try. I don't think I am being unreasonable. I offered a prenup that if we had a kid and for some reason decided to get divorced that I would take no support, etc. from him. He said not the issue. I don't understand - I feel like if he loves me as much as he says he does, and since he has had children and understands what a wonderful gift they can be, why he won't give me the chance to have our child.

I told him I had spent my whole life being responsible and using protection and that I wouldn't just 'get pregnant" without the father knowing. But, I asked him if I was pregnant right now what would he do. He said he would be upset, but we would make it through it and he wouldn't leave. But still - he won't agree to let me try to have a baby when we get married.

Any advice?

[Just A Girl2]

You probably don't want to hear this, but I strongly believe that in the very early stages of a relationship, a couple should talk about this sort of thing..right off the bat (okay, not on the 2nd date but after a couple of months/when things are serious)......so that if they realize that each has different wants (one wants kids, one doesn't), then they haven't invested all that much time/energy/love into things..and can part ways so that they can each find someone more suitable.

I'm really surprised you didn't at least have this 'talk' long before getting engaged. That's a pretty common sense topic for a couple to talk about, ESPECIALLY prior to a decision to becoming engaged is made.

I've been dating a guy for a month now.......and casually during our first few conversations, I brought up the issue of kids....because I'm 35 too, feel it's too late now, and if he were someone who wanted 3 kids, I would just not be the gal for him. Luckily, he feels the same way.

Not really sure what you can do about this now. He MIGHT be worried that you'll end up getting accidentally pregnant? Make sure you don't ever do that.

I'm not sure that there's any room for 'compromise' when it comes to the 'having kids' issue. I think you've both really hit a brickwall here..and I hope you can get it resolved somehow, before you marry........because if you decide you'll go along with him, there may come a day down the road that you resent him, and ache for a child of your own.

Good luck!

[Kbear71]

Just my own opinion.

We all have our idea of what a family is. If your definition includes children, then that is what you're entitled to have. Because both of your definitions are not the same, seriously consider if this person is the right one for you. Don't think that you will be able to change his mind after you are married. No child deserves to be brought into a world under such a division of opinion.

[Ally Boo]

You need to sit down and decide what your priorities are. Is having a partner like him more important to you than having a partner AND children? You need to decide what is more important.

This could be a good thing. I mean, you could get married, and if it didn't work out, at least you wouldn't have to worry about splitting the kids. I can only IMAGINE how much that would suck doing during a divorce.

Or...he could always change his mind.

Don't look at this as a bad thing. If anything, it might show you that you don't know him as well as you thought you did. To ME, it shows me a part of his personality that may not have been so apparent...he sends mixed signals and he is apparently refusing to compromise. And discovering THAT before you get married is a good thing.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I think you need to listen to yourself. You said that the man has grown children that he sees very little of, but you say he's had children so he should know what a blessing it is. If he doesn't have a good relationship with his own children, how could he view them as a blessing? And what would that say about the relationship he'll have with the child that you and him have? You can't force anyone to do something that they want to do whether you love them or not. And just because a man says that if you should happen to have a child it would be fine and he'll love it doesn't mean that he wants to have one.

The main question you should ask yourself is what kind of father would he be, based on the relationships that he has had and still have with his children. And if it's not a very good one, it's not going to change if you have a child. agree with Just A Girl 2. You guys have been together for 5 years, and some point within those years you've committed yourselves. You guys should have discussed that a long time a go, and then you would have known to move on, because if he doesn't want a child and you do, something is not going to happen.