Keeping the peace between pregnant wife and my mother??
So my wife is pregnant and my mom is thrilled. Problem is my mother wants to be involved more than my wife would care for her to. My mother continually gets her feelings hurt because my wife won't let her see her belly, touch her belly, go shopping with her, etc. The big blow up came when my mom for some reason felt she should be able to go to the Dr's appointments with us and my wife said absolutely not. I have 3 sisters two of which have had multiple pregnancies and my mom went to almost all the Dr appointments with them so I think she believes that is normal. She gave both me and the wife a mouthful about being excluded which was out of line IMO.
I find myself in the middle and my wife and my mother's relationship being strained with this baby coming. I am not about to tell my wife to give if she is not comfortable with any of this. I have confronted my mom and told her she needs to back off and reminded her that while I am her son and she will be no less involved in the baby's life but my wife is modest and doesn't like people touching her much less being in the Dr. appointment while she is being examined. So question is, how can help get the two of them to enjoy this together instead of my wife being pissed off at my mom for guilting her and my mom feeling hurt and left out? I'm too easy going for this nonsense and want to find some middle ground for both of them.
Wow she wanted to go to a doctors appt. that is a little extreme.
Firstly good for you for telling your mom to back off. If your wife is not comfortable with touching and sharing private details etc your mom should respect that.
However perhaps your wife could compromise and go on a few shooping trips with your mom.
Maybe have a mother and Daughter in law lunch. So that way your mom feels included but your wife's boundries are not being violated.
Also perhaps now is a good time to discuss how much your mom is going to be involved with the baby ad set some ground rules up so when the baby comes your wife and your mom don't fight.
you mom sounds really, really excited, and I'm glad for y'all for that ... however, this being your WIFE'S pregnancy (not your mom's or your sisters'), your mom needs to respect her wishes.
it's not about being mean or not caring for your mother, but making sure your wife has a positive, comfortable pregnancy. Because when SHE does, YOU do, you know?
hate to say it, but I think you're going to have to be blunt almost to the point of hurting her feelings in order for her to understand your wife's feelings about the situation. Again, it's not because you don't love Mom, but because you want your wife to enjoy her pregnancy.
__________________ The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
I agree with you both Quankanne and hotgurl. And I have sat my mom down and had the talk with her about my wife not being my sisters and it not being the same thing. A little tough love has been giving but I think all that has done is drive the wedge deeper between the two of them. My mom is backing off but clearly recenting my wife for it.
My wife will always get my support and I will put my mom in check or any other family member when it comes to making sure she is happy. Just seems like there has to be a better way to go about this.
If my mother, who birthed me , was offended that she could not attend my doctor's appointment ...Nevemind, most people dont do that. Mother In Laws dont do that. Not to anyone over the age of 16. This is WAY WAY WAY out of line.
And your wife is not a Buddha, no one should be touching her belly uninvited. Note that: She shouldn't be asked, she can choose to invite.
By setting up these (usually given) personal boundaries, you create a better chance at having a close and comfortable relationship between your wife and mother.
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I think I've violated the belly-touching thing with my nieces and friends' daughters ... I guess part of it has to do with not being able to get pregnant myself, but mostly, it's because I'm so excited about what thye've created
2sure I agree is not a common practice like my mom seems to think it is. The problem is I come from a very open family. They talk about everything and anything and very much about family. My wife however comes from more of surface level conversation family and avoid any touchy subjects, non affectionate, etc. So we were just raised different. I understand my mom wanting to see her grandbaby on the sonogram and being excited with us but I respect my wife's wishes enough to tell the mom she will have to miss out on this one.
And the belly touching is not just my mom, she wouldn't even let her own sister touch it which is totally her call and I support. Its funny how people want to touch pregnant women's bellies, never noticed that till now.
I have no problem setting up the boundaries but it seems all it does is make me the bad guy and no one is really happy in the end. I think my mom is truly the problem and have asked my dad for help in talking to her so that we can all enjoy this. Its just sad for me that my mom feels like she is being excluded when she is just trying to share in the excitement with us.
Last edited by TudorII; 17th June 2009 at 4:00 PM..
I might be a nice gesture on your wife's part to invite your mom out to lunch and a shopping trip. Maybe let mom pick something for the baby's room something non cruical or a baby gym etc.. so that way your mom feels included.
Also it may be a tug of war for your wife if her parents are really involved too.
First of all, you are NOT in the middle. You are firmly on your wife's side. She married you,not your mother.
Each person has their own feelings and desires. Simply because your sisters allowed your mother more control over their lives, does not mean that your wife does. Your mother is the only one being selfish.
Please remember that it is your wife who is carrying this child, the one who is having all the burden, and the one who will go through the pains of labor. ONLY her desires are important.
also, if it's not cost-prohibitive, seriously consider getting a DVD of the sonograms ~ my niece (by marriage) has done this with both pregnancies, and it's really cool to see, because she can freeze "action" and explain things the tech has told her, or we can watch it over and over if we choose. It's been a great way keeping up with her progress, and the last time we went to visit, my sister's ex-husband was there, so he got to see images of the new baby for the first time.
only "hard" part is waiting another six months for the rugrat to arrive, esp. after seeing her on the big screen
this might give y'alls families a way to "see" the baby without crossing any boundaries your wife feels comfortable with.
Good idea quank. We have a couple of DVDs already but all we show the parents are the sonogram pictures, guess I could make them a copy. Us Texans got to watch out for each other!
Doesn't help either that my parents bought a house 4 blocks from us 6 months ago. Yep my mom is following me I swear and a little too close for my comfort.
...Could you recruit your dad's help to convince your mum to lay off a bit....?
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