[jrmatt]

I have been dating a woman for about 2 months bit I have known her for several years. She is not officially divorced yet, she insists the marriage is over. The divorce is not final but should be soon. She has been separated for almost one year. Am I making a mistake by getting involved with her? I am in love with her and we have been intimate many times. I sometimes wonder if I am making a mistake or not. Please help

[Just A Girl2]

Well, as you probably know, there are a fair number of risks in dating someone who's only separated and not yet divorced.

1) the risk that the emotional ties with husband haven't truly been severed and there's a chance of reconciliation

2) the risk that you're the "rebound guy" and the person she's with to help her forget her feelings for her husband/a distraction

3) the risk that a divorce will never take place, or not for a very long time

4) the risk that in *truth*, this isn't a permanent separation but a 'trial separation'...where in honesty, unbeknownst to YOU, they just decided to temporarily separate so that they had time apart to work through some things

5) the risk that if and when the divorce does go through, a whole new can of worms will be opened, in terms of her having to go through a 'grieving process' of sorts (despite why the marriage ended, even in bad marriages, people need to grieve the loss of their marriage and that part of their life/their past).....and she'll find she needs to have some time to herself to sort things out.

Do you happen to know any of the circumstances surrounding the breakup of her marriage? Who's idea was it to separate? Do they have children together? Does she ever give you any reason to believe that she might still have feelings for her ex? Does he know that you're in the picture?

Has a divorce been filed for yet? If not, why not? If they've been separated for 7-8 months and there's truly no chance for reconciliation then why hasn't the divorce process been initiated?

How long were they married for?

Sort of an unwritten rule of thumb, when it comes to dating someone who's gone through a marriage....is that they're really not fully ready to engage in another relationship until 6-12 months after the divorce is final......that to fully "move on" and grow from things they learned in their previous marriage, they need this time to be on their own and heal and do some self reflection, etc..versus just jumping from one relationship to another.

[clia]

I'd proceed with high caution if I were you.

Even though she says the marriage is over, people often react badly when the final stamp goes on those divorce papers. (The finality of it or something I think freaks some people out.) And you certainly were not put on this earth to counsel her through her divorce.

Be careful. If I were you, I'd date other people until at least six months after her divorce is final. You don't want to be rebound guy, and technically, she is still married.

Anything can happen, as we all know!