[chimpy]

I've been struggling with the fear of getting old, and on a lesser degree, dying, for about a year now. I am 18 years old and people tell me not to worry about this stuff now but that makes it worse because if not now then later!! It seems like the only thing that works is getting busy with something: friends, work, accomplishments, etc... but it is always only temporary. As soon as I go home after seeing a friend, for example, I start up again thinking about getting old. I just keep having thoughts such as how bad it will be when I become 70 or so and all I can do is wake up, eat, and go to sleep. What kind of a life is that? Or I think about how everything I do in life will be in vein since I am going to die anyway--why do anything if it's just temporary?? I don't act on these thoughts-I still go out and do stuff, but these thoughts really get me down.

I wish I could be a very happy 18 year old enjoying life but it seems like I always end up getting caught in these thoughts about the bad life I have when I get old. Sure I'm 18 years old now, but what about when I become 40? 50? What about when I am on my death bed and all that I did in life is gone and no longer matters?

I don't expect any kind of cure or anything but I was just wondering if anybody else has this fear or has any better things to say than "you're 18, forget it"?? Or even if you just listened to what I had to say that is good to, I don't really have anyone to turn to that cares to hear this.

Thanks so much.

[xpaperxcutx]

what's your gender?

I was recently on the dating circuit and I came to realize that mostly young women succeed in bagging a good man, or at least what little good men there were.

The thing youth and beauty comes hand in hand when it comes to a women. I'm approaching 20 myself in a couple of months, and I'm terrified that I only have 10 years left before I truly reflect on what a wasted youth I have. So yes, it's really sad, but sitting around and thinking about it won't make a difference.

[chimpy]

I'm male. I hear you and I am glad to hear I am not alone. Thanks for the reply.

[Ronni_W]

Chimpy,
What you're feeling and dealing with is common -- but a lot of people are in denial about their own fear of death so they don't talk about it.
My friend is dealing with a similar anxiety, and I got a reading list from a spiritual counselor who specializes in "conscious living, conscious dying." (Yeah...it IS that common that it's a specialty and there are books about it .)

Here are some of the suggested books:
~ 'Being With Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death' by Joan Halifax
~ 'No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life' by Thich Nhat Hanh
~ 'Making Friends With Death: A Buddhist Guide to Encountering Mortality' by Judith L. Lief
~ 'Living in the Light of Death: On the Art of Being Truly Alive' by Larry Rosenberg, with David Guy

If any of those titles resonate with you, perhaps the library will have it or can order it in for you? There may also be lectures/workshops being conducted in your area -- maybe check with local interfaith/spiritual centres and bookstores.

IMO, it would be worthwhile for you to explore and resolve your fear -- life has much to offer but, sort of, we need to come to terms with our mortality before we can truly live.

I do hope you will find the Answers that you seek. In the meantime,
Sending Comfort and Guidance.

[carhill]

What about when I am on my death bed and all that I did in life is gone and no longer matters?

You'll be fighting for one more second, one more breath.

TBH, I'm a helluva lot closer to the mortal coil than you and all it's done for me is cause me to resolve to make each day count.

If this fear is interfering with your life and ability to form healthy relationships, get counseling. No indignity in that. Even for we old farts

[norajane]

why do anything if it's just temporary??

It's the journey that matters; enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts.

Think of life as an envelope. It's empty when you are born, and all your experiences and everything you do adds something more to your envelope. Your goal is to have a bursting envelope, creased and wrinkled and messy and lumpy and splitting at the seams, chock full of experiences and travels and hopes realized and dreams fulfilled, loves and laughters and tears and awesome food and swims in the ocean and cozy nights in front of the fireplace and people and colors and music and great naps and hugs and kisses and failures and successes. There is no point in a sterile, uncreased and empty envelope.

You will pass on anyway. Why waste your time here not living while you are alive?

[chimpy]

Thanks guys. I think I just needed to outpour my thoughts and hear what others have to say, as reading these responses have helped me a great deal. Anytime I get down about aging I will read this thread and feel much better.

I think I am in a good position since I don't have depression or anything. I mostly enjoy life and living and have dreams and hopes. It's just this age-phobia that ruins it; like putting a birthday cake with lit candles in the breeze, or having a very important phone call be dropped when you are about to hear the really important information.

But reading the responses here is very VERY helpful and gives me new outlooks on life. Thanks so much.

[hey_beautiful]

I just wanted to add that it's natural to be afraid of dying and not knowing what comes next. It is also normal to feel like when you are old you will have nothing. It is completely false to think that you will wake up, eat, sleep and do it all over again. At 70, you can still do all the things you used to (within reason, of course.) Who says you can't hang out with friends and such? My grandpa is 80, hangs out with friends, rollerblades, swims, he does everything. He has three grown children (All about 50) and 6 grand children: 26, 22, 21, 20, 19 and 4. He has lived a full life, and he still does all of those things! You're life is not wasted when you get older, you just do different things. Instead of raising your own kids or working, you see your kids raise kids and enjoy retirement and doing whatever the hell you please!

I am 22, and you know what? I am happy getting older. I wouldn't ever want to be 18 again, ever in my life! I am looking forward to 30 and starting a different chapter. You always have something to look forward to.

And as for death, who knows what comes after. We could be propelled into a parallel universe and continue living. Who the heck knows! So I don't stress much about it.

[whichwayisup]

Read the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It'll really stop and make you think, learn how to just be in the moment and not worry so much into the future..stuff you have no control over.
Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet?

[TaraMaiden]

I can add nothing to the things you've been told, especially with regard to Ronni_w's book recommendations, and that of whichwayisup's....

I am a practising buddhist and once upon a time, the thought of death scared the heebie-jeebies out of me.
Now, please know that nobody is trying to persuade you or convert you to anything here. I'd be mortified if you thought that.
But Buddhism in particular, as a religion/philosophy, addresses this issue head on.

Since taking it up, I have certainly come to terms with the concept of dying, met my fears head on, and am now very comfortable talking about it with no worry, concern, fear or hesitation....
I hesitate to mention this, because I really don't want to add to your concern.....
There is no guarantee in this life, of even reaching the age you've visualised.
But my father is 88, my mother 77. So you may well fly past!!
Look after yourself, but not to the excess of obsession.
And enjoy every day you have, because the gift of life is quite simply, one to treasure...

Obtain the books recommended to you. Eckhart Tolle's resonates with me still, even after having read it 8 years ago....

Be happy.
Really, be happy!



_/l\_

[quankanne]

for me, death wasn't the scary part, but living to be "old" and not very useful to myself or society. When I was 25, I had a minor freak-out about being old and swore that I hoped God would take me before I hit 40, because it sounded very boring.

gradually, though, I moved past that mentality when I started enjoying the life I had. Despite wanting to pinch my husband's head off because he can drive me nuts, or missing certain things I used to do as a single woman, I'm enjoying my 40s far more than I ever thought I could!

there's a certain freedom that comes with aging, I guess you could say that you no longer care about those things that kept you paralyzed from doing things when you were younger because you didn't want people to laugh at or talk about you. Now, it's about very much living in the moment. If I want to blush madly or flirt with cute boys I see in public, I do, because it's stolen moments of pure bliss, knowing that I can still blush or get tongue-tied. Or tell them how cute/sweet they are and watch them react to the old lady flirting (priceless, IMO). Equally priceless is being able to tell younger women not to focus so much on trying to be perfect or live up to society's standard of beauty, but to revel in who they are and what gifts they bring. Or inversely, screw with the minds of those stuck-up little snots (male or female) by telling them that one day gravity and age is going to catch up with them, and to not think themselves superior to others.

I think that freedom I'm talking about is based in the fact that we begin to forgive ourselves our flaws and learn to really enjoy what we bring to the table. Can't do that at 20, when you're trying so hard to fit in and survive on your own ...

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think its a very natural fear. 100% natural.

Firstly life is almost like a stage, but no matter how much you sing, dance and act, the curtain closes on you. When life feels unfulfilling and directionless, many activities can appear futile and mere distractions. Then death looms more ominously.

Also death is the elephant in the room. It is rarely talked about. But if you talk about it, it seems to shrink.

Also there is so much confusion surrounding death. Religion, science etc. Death is something that seems to make no sense from an emotional perspective. WHY do we have to loose people? Where do they go? What's the meaning of it all? I remember a lot of death in my childhood and I took them all very badly. I sat a lot and brooded about what life was all about and why animals and people we loved had to be taken. Very painful experiences for us all. I used to have nightmares about my mothers death in particular, and wake up panicking and anxious.

I think you need to come to terms with not so much life or death...but time. If you find meaning in something; be it family, art, religion, then life seems fuller and time seems less frightening. However I think there is so much pressure and competition. You should have done this, have that etc by a certain age or you aren't a success. Its learning to escape that...'rulebook' and just live.

[GorillaTheater]

Death isn't such a big deal. I just don't want it to hurt too much. Or be too soon.