Since the breakup of my 2 year + relationship, i've been trying to analyse/understand how I have contributed to its downfall. One thing i've noticed is that I don't like relationships that develop in the 'normal, healthy way' i.e. boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy and girl go out. I find this boring, unfulfilling and for some reason I become the emotionally unavailable one who wants to run away. I am drawn to relationships with someone where there is a challenge, drama, something to conquer. To me this equals passion, intensity and the passion and intensity of the situation transfers onto the person. I honestly believe this is the only way I could love someone again....I just can't fall for people in the conventional normal way....so it seems to me I would need to always put myself in painful and damaging situations simply to fall in love. This way sound very weird....but I think I almost have a fairytale/movie view of love, where the suffering of love makes that love unique and special, whereas a happy, normal lovelife to me seems very boring, and I don't think it would fulfill me.
Counseling helped me. I call it the train wreck syndrome. I always felt the compulsion to stop at the train wreck to see if I could help. Now I recognize the compulsion for what it is and continue driving. It's not 100% but getting divorced is helping, in that I can put emotions (negative ones) behind the theraputical work.
This doesn't mean the tug of the disfunctional will not tempt me. They will. I have to process that part intellectually, as my emotional setpoint will always remain. By cognitively processing the emotion and freeing myself to pay attention to the road ahead, I position myself to encounter people who are not train wrecks and bring positive energy into my life. It's a shift in focus.
In your case, you find the drama exciting, but know it's unhealthy. Conversely, you find the lack of drama boring. For you, drama is your train wreck.
Most women under 45 are like the OP. I don't like games and they want games and I can never satisfy them. Dating "advice" sites everywhere encourage this behavior. A women gets burned by a game playing man and starts playing games herself so she can get the game playing man. Men are just as much to blame as women.
Last edited by 39388; 14th June 2009 at 11:59 AM..
Most women under 45 are like the OP. I don't like games and they want games and I can never satisfy them. Dating "advice" sites everywhere encourage this behavior. A women gets burned by a game playing man and starts playing games herself so she can get the game playing man. Men are just as much to blame as women.
Yes exactly - the games are encouraged! You aren't meant to say what you want because as soon as you do 'the game' and 'the chase' are over. I think men just as much as women can be drawn to this. Dating and relationships are encouraged to be all about symbols, signs, hints...nothing concrete.
With billions of people in the world, the cool thing is that *you* get to choose who you play with. Nothing is ordained or required. You have freedom to choose. Choose wisely
With billions of people in the world, the cool thing is that *you* get to choose who you play with. Nothing is ordained or required. You have freedom to choose. Choose wisely
I'm trying to learn how to do that
I hate being drawn to things that hurt me.
Its like a moth to a flame.
Its a hard, very painful lesson to learn, but maybe thats what my relationship taught me. Unfortunately I think sometimes it takes several bad experiences to really 'shake' you of your bad habits.
Dating and relationships are encouraged to be all about symbols, signs, hints...nothing concrete.
The minute you say something concrete and direct, the woman accuses you of coming on too strong and gets scared...
If I tell a girl I'm interested in that I want to f*** her all night, she might feel uneasy and have a sudden change of plans - but if I tell her that I want to hang out and that I'm feelin' kinda feisty its okay lol - or I just wanna hang out and not do anything but relax and she thinks I'm tryin' to get in her panties and change her plans, when I'm not even that interested in her...
You ladies propogate the game.
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Last edited by You'reasian; 14th June 2009 at 4:31 PM..
The minute you say something concrete and direct, the woman accuses you of coming on too strong and gets scared...
If I tell a girl I'm interested in that I want to f*** her all night, she might feel uneasy and have a sudden change of plans - but if I tell her that I want to hang out and that I'm feelin' kinda feisty its okay lol - or I just wanna hang out and not do anything but relax and she thinks I'm tryin' to get in her panties and change her plans, when I'm not even that interested in her...
You ladies propogate the game.
A game can't exist without participants. Both men and women play games with each other. But yes directness does frighten people off, half the time because people don't know what they want. I think directness only frightens someone if they aren't really into you....I think people like to feel each other first.
Yes exactly - the games are encouraged! You aren't meant to say what you want because as soon as you do 'the game' and 'the chase' are over. I think men just as much as women can be drawn to this. Dating and relationships are encouraged to be all about symbols, signs, hints...nothing concrete.
Yes there are in these advice books and so many menAND women buy it. They read something and automatically think it's the truth without thinking for themselves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikki Sahagin
I'm trying to learn how to do that
I hate being drawn to things that hurt me.
Its like a moth to a flame.
Its a hard, very painful lesson to learn, but maybe thats what my relationship taught me. Unfortunately I think sometimes it takes several bad experiences to really 'shake' you of your bad habits.
Really? I'll believe it when you give a good guy who's not into games and wants to make you happy a chance. They're out there by the millions. They're the ones who are nervous early on and don't know or get these dating rules. You may have to go through 10 people to find one.
I'm being hard on you, but I'm shaped by my experiences. These experiences are nice emails and internet chats back and forth. We exchange numbers. I call and sound nervous and excited. They say they have to go within 45 seconds and they will call back. They never do. This has happened multiple times. I'm bitter enough over it that I'm not even sure if I am a good guy anymore.
The minute you say something concrete and direct, the woman accuses you of coming on too strong and gets scared...
You ladies propogate the game.
The first part is tree. I cut out the lines about the sex becuase I'm a guy who would rather wait for awhile before the sex.
The second part is only half true. Men are just as guilty of this crap as women. Game playing men have a habit of dating a woman and suddenly disappearing. I don't get why many men do this. I would never ever, but read the threads around here and it is very common.
We end up with a cycle. Women and men respond to each other's games and the non game players of both sexes get screwed.
But thats what i'm saying....without the games...i'm bored. I'm admitting to that. I'm not saying its right or wrong, immature or childish, but I have no interest in a relationship with a 'nice guy'. I don't want a bad guy either. I want a guy who is interesting and I find many nice, average, run of the mill guys very boring. I want someone very unique - at least to me. But to fall in love, I seem to need that dramatic push. I think many nice guys - they are lovely dedicated men, but they don't know how to create passion, intensity, romance, mystery - all things I personally and I think many women respond to. That's why I can have many lovely male friends, but I never have that urge to kiss them or have sex with them, which is what obviously marks them out as someone I would persue romantically. By the way when I say i'm drawn to drama, I am not suckered in by player types, bad boys etc but I need some obstacle between me and a man to want him, if I can just have him - the attraction wears thin. I think it may be part of being young!
The first part is tree. I cut out the lines about the sex becuase I'm a guy who would rather wait for awhile before the sex.
The second part is only half true. Men are just as guilty of this crap as women. Game playing men have a habit of dating a woman and suddenly disappearing. I don't get why many men do this. I would never ever, but read the threads around here and it is very common.
We end up with a cycle. Women and men respond to each other's games and the non game players of both sexes get screwed.
Yes everyone gets burned, and I think everyone becomes a bit less natural because they have been hurt, but I think many people simply don't know what they want. Once I fall in love, I fall hard and stay there. But its getting to that level I find difficult - though actually maybe I just haven't met the right combination of nice....and crazily sexy lol
If you ever want a happy relationship you need to get over this. Aren't there ways to create excitment without putting yourself through an emotional ringer? You ahve admitted that you have man issues so maybe it would be a good idea to deal with that before even thinking about getting involved again.
But thats what i'm saying....without the games...i'm bored. I'm admitting to that. I'm not saying its right or wrong, immature or childish, but I have no interest in a relationship with a 'nice guy'. I don't want a bad guy either. I want a guy who is interesting and I find many nice, average, run of the mill guys very boring. I want someone very unique - at least to me. But to fall in love, I seem to need that dramatic push. I think many nice guys - they are lovely dedicated men, but they don't know how to create passion, intensity, romance, mystery - all things I personally and I think many women respond to. That's why I can have many lovely male friends, but I never have that urge to kiss them or have sex with them, which is what obviously marks them out as someone I would persue romantically. By the way when I say i'm drawn to drama, I am not suckered in by player types, bad boys etc but I need some obstacle between me and a man to want him, if I can just have him - the attraction wears thin. I think it may be part of being young!
I think I would bore you to tears because I don't like lying to people. Correct? If I want X I tell said person I want X.
You say you don't want a bad guy, but the title of the thread is "I'm only drawn to relationships with problems... ". Sounds like you are drawn to bad guys.
I'm a nice guy (well some would disagree given my bitter posts on LS, but what 35 year old virgin is not a bit bitter), but the last thing I'd call myself is average. I am very passionate about many things. I'm sure there would be lots of intensity in the romance I have, if I ever get a chance that is. Mystery, I don't get what you mean. I'd get a woman surprise gifts and surprise her by taking her places and stuff, but if the surprise is whather or not I'm interested, then no, you wouldn't like me very much.
You say you need an obstacle. What do you mean? Should I say I'm not interested when I really am. Should I call only once a week or return only 1 out of 3 of your calls? When you say you've not into me, should I push it? I have no idea what you (or most women) want in terms of this. I guess wrong and I either lose the relationship or scare the he** out of the woman.
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