Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
I hate it. I don't find anything arousing about it. I don't think it's tasteful, and yes, you guessed it, I feel insecure. Of course I do. I've never had the strongest self-confidence, not even as a child. And I'm ugly, well, maybe not disgusting but I'm definitely plain. I'm NOT beautiful. And even if I were confident, I'd probably hate it too. And there's no turning around it. I'll never like it.
Plus, it's very obvious with what the media portrays. I understand humans are very visual, but I'm sick of the "sex sells" policy. Just because people are drawn to sexual images and because sex is natural, doesn't mean it's right or cool to shove it in everyones faces 24/7. Especially when it portrays very unrealistic, 'ideal' images and roles. You may say it's just fantasy, but it's still uncomfortable to some of us.
Don't get me wrong, if I could choose, I'd choose to like it and enjoy it, like some women do. But I don't (before you start accusing me of liking romance novels, I don't, nor do I like chick flicks). I never will. I just didn't get that "cool gene" in me.
Sigh... I know I sound like a prude, but I'm not. I always try new things. Unless it's a threesome or something involving other people, I never discard anything until I try it. I've even watched porn with my boyfriend, and I didn't like it.
I feel bad about my average looks and sub par body (I have small breasts). My boyfriend prefers big breasts and is a fan of beauty... well, what man isn't? I know there are some men out there who don't watch porn, but they're the minority. Personally I've never met a guy who doesn't watch it. Even inf men who don't watch it exist, I'd be limiting my choices a lot; what if out of these few guys none of them share my interests, or our personalities aren't compatible, etc? Or maybe they are religious (I'm not usually one to make such strong prejudices, but sometimes that's the case) and I'm not religious, not at all.
I love my boyfriend to death, but he likes porn and watches it often. Not often like an addiction, but often. He's 24, and has been doing this for 10 years already. He's told me if it hurts me he can stop, but honestly I don't think he could, plus wouldn't it be like taking a toy from a kid? I'd feel like a controlling girlfriend, it wouldn't be fair. I've given up things for him, but I don't want to control him. Plus he is so unique and we share so many interests and views about the world (except with this)... it'd be too hard leaving him only because of one thing Ii can't stand. Where will I find a guy who is just as awesome as him and who doesn't like porn? Nowhere!
He has a Psychology major and is a guy, so he obviously sees this from a "we're-wired-this-way-plus-it's-normal-and-healthy" point of view. But I just hate that filth! I hate it so much!
What can I do? Can I force myself to love it? Would it work? What can I do to be ok with it? It just feels impossible, and I feel like I don't fit in today's society I feel abnormal!
It just feels impossible, and I feel like I don't fit in today's society I feel abnormal!
You're not alone.
To me, it just seems logical to deal with your insecurities by accepting them or changing them. Ultimately you want to be happy, right?
It's nice that you're considerate about your boyfriend's feelings about watching porn, and you're probably right, even if you asked him not to, there is still a chance that he would.
You can't force yourself to like something, but, you can find usefulness out of anything. Maybe watching a little porn with him may allow you to bond a little more, maybe you'll learn to like it, maybe not.
You say that you've made sacrifices for him. Has he made sacrifices for you? Are you alluding to the fact that since you've made sacrifices for him, that he should sacrifice this one thing for you?
Porn is a double edged sword. Part of it is that you feel a need to measure up to other women. No man, porn watching or not is going to MAKE you feel sex, feeling sexy is you and all you. I have had the worst sex with then most beautiful women and the best with ones that most men would pass by and when I have reflected on that I realized that these women had a sexy attitude more than they were stunningly beautiful. Part of the problem is that you don't feel sexy. You have to get OK with your looks and not look to others to ratify that you are sexy. There's nothing as unsexy as an insecure person; male or female.
Another thing is watching porn togehter can let you know what buttons your parnter has. Learning what turns him on can help you turn him on. I mean maybe ask him to not look at porn sites and make some porn for/with him? A past GF had problems when we were apart with me looking at porn, I made her a deal that if she made porn for me that I would only look at that! DAMN, it was some of the hottest material I have ever seen! So there's 2 sides to this, first you need to be honest about your feelings or inadequacy and learn to find the sexual godess in you and IF that's not enough for him you need to move on. If you grow in that area and it doesn't work out you're all that much better for the next guy. Don't stay with this guy if he doesn't value you for who you are, ugly is an attitude not a physicality. Don't settle for less than you are. They right guy for you will have compassion and seek to explore sexuality with you, not expect you to meet an external bar. If he's that superficial you need to find a guy who finds you sexy, though no one can find the sexy in you unless you find it first! Go explore your own sexuality, lots of great books out there, and see if he can keep up.
All the best,
-Chiron
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The goal of an authentic life is not happiness but meaning.
Forcing yourself to love porn is a horrible idea. Working on your self confidence is a better one.
Trust me, you'll be a lot happier when you can look in the mirror and feel good about yourself. When you do, porn will be a non-issue. Just something you can objectively dislike not because you dislike yourself but because you dislike it in general.
You'll find that confidence in yourself is something that will be a ripple effect in all areas of your life, and you may just find that you will prefer to change your life instead of trying to change others in it. You may just end up happier than you could have imagined.
__________________ When someone hands you something, hand it back twice what they handed you.
I'm a bored person. Bored with porn. Bored with people. Bored
Seriously, OP, the good news is you're not married and don't have children. This man has no hold on you whatsoever. He can pursue his ideal of beauty to the end of his day, on his own time.
Explore the world of men who value a different psychological and socio-sexual ideal.
I just wanted to get that in before the next porn war starts. Good luck and welcome to LS.
I'm sure you do love your b/f. However, you can't make him stop something he likes/enjoys. Just like, he can not make you like something you do not. The only thing I know to tell you at this point, is that his continual porn use and because you dislike it so much will not get better. You're both incompatiable on the issue, and likely not to find a common ground unless one of you were to do so on your own because you wanted to. Not because you felt you had to for the other person. Its probably best to take a break from one another or find someone that shares your views on porn. The first thing to do is seek some help for your lack of self confidence, wheather you're in a relationship or not. Good luck.
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~"The fact that you ran and told the "teacher" just proves you are ashamed of what you do." MY intentions were not the way you took them to be, but your actions speak louder than my words."
Sigh... feeling a bit low still... had an argument with him last night. We were cuddling on the couch, watching TV and some of those late-night HBO-type sex shows was on (while he was surfing through the channels), two busty girls were naked and making out. He left it on "for a joke" he said. Horrible joke. He said he's a man, he likes to look at naked women, all men do, and so what?
Why do I have such a hard time accepting men's nature? I hate having to think that I passively have to accept that he likes looking at other naked women who have all the time in the world and all the money in the world to work on their bodies while I have a life. I'll never look like them, therefore, I'll never feel sexy. I'm just TOO plain looking compared to them, even if they're 300% fake whores! I still feel inferior compared to them, especially since I'd never engage in a threesome or bisexual activities.
I hate feeling like such a prude, why can't I be one of those "cool" girlfriends who dig all this?
A 'cool' girlfriend would be confident enough not to care either way what he watches - and if they dislike it, they can approach it logically. You are asking for advice on the best way to poison yourself, when the best solution is to heal yourself. Your problem isn't porn and how to accept it. Your problem is your poor self image and how to accept yourself.
Once you are confident and secure, then see how you feel about porn. Still don't like it? Great - then you will have a much stronger argument and more valid points against it than "it makes me feel ugly". Get stronger, feel stronger, and then you can approach things in a way that your boyfriend is more likely to listen to.
Out of all of the 'whores', 'bimbos', etc. - do you know what is really the most sexy? Confidence.
Unless it's a threesome or something involving other people, I never discard anything until I try it.
But I just hate that filth! I hate it so much!
I feel abnormal!
I'll never look like them, therefore, I'll never feel sexy.
I'd never engage in a threesome or bisexual activities.
they're 300% fake whores!
I see two issues going on. First is the insecurity which you have acknowledged. You have labeled yourself as ugly and plain. I have no way of knowing if that is true, but I know that you are not so ugly and plain that you were completely unsuccessful in finding a relationship. So clearly you are not "scare small children" kind of ugly. I suspect you are much harder on yourself than is justified by the reality, unfortunately many, perhaps even most women are, even those who actually are "all that". The insecurity, though, is founded in a fear of loss. Deep down, whether you realize it or not, your reaction to porn is because you are afraid your SO will ultimately leave you because of things he learns from porn.
I am not going to tell you that could never happen, as I have no knowledge of the state of your relationship. However if it is truly strong, porn is not a threat. You see, he already knows there are women with bigger boobs, or better looks, or younger, or whatever it is you perceive about yourself that could cause him to leave. He already knows there are women who are enthusiastic about some sexual practices that you will not participate in. If he is willing to leave your relationship to pursue any of that, he will do so regardless of whether or not he views porn. Likewise, if he is NOT willing to chase any of that in lieu of having you, that won't change either.
Are you with him because of the size of his penis? Would learning that some guys have a bigger one cause you to pursue that? Same deal.
The other issue I see is some deep seeded issues with sexuality itself. Your use of sex-negative language (filth, whores, etc) and strongly negative reaction to the very concept of sex including more than just one M and one F indicate to me that you harbor some very negative feelings to sexuality outside of the vary narrow parameters that you were taught was "acceptable". I'm not suggesting that you are a narrow-minded prude who should just get over yourself and go out there and have some threesomes, but I do think if you were to allow yourself to not be so rigid and negative about anything that's even remotely outside the box, you may find it will help you to realize that your rigid rules are part of the problem. When you can so casually label erotica as filth, somewhere inside you associate sex with filth, and that can't be healthy.
I see two issues going on. First is the insecurity which you have acknowledged. You have labeled yourself as ugly and plain. I have no way of knowing if that is true, but I know that you are not so ugly and plain that you were completely unsuccessful in finding a relationship. So clearly you are not "scare small children" kind of ugly. I suspect you are much harder on yourself than is justified by the reality, unfortunately many, perhaps even most women are, even those who actually are "all that". The insecurity, though, is founded in a fear of loss. Deep down, whether you realize it or not, your reaction to porn is because you are afraid your SO will ultimately leave you because of things he learns from porn.
I am not going to tell you that could never happen, as I have no knowledge of the state of your relationship. However if it is truly strong, porn is not a threat. You see, he already knows there are women with bigger boobs, or better looks, or younger, or whatever it is you perceive about yourself that could cause him to leave. He already knows there are women who are enthusiastic about some sexual practices that you will not participate in. If he is willing to leave your relationship to pursue any of that, he will do so regardless of whether or not he views porn. Likewise, if he is NOT willing to chase any of that in lieu of having you, that won't change either.
Are you with him because of the size of his penis? Would learning that some guys have a bigger one cause you to pursue that? Same deal.
The other issue I see is some deep seeded issues with sexuality itself. Your use of sex-negative language (filth, whores, etc) and strongly negative reaction to the very concept of sex including more than just one M and one F indicate to me that you harbor some very negative feelings to sexuality outside of the vary narrow parameters that you were taught was "acceptable". I'm not suggesting that you are a narrow-minded prude who should just get over yourself and go out there and have some threesomes, but I do think if you were to allow yourself to not be so rigid and negative about anything that's even remotely outside the box, you may find it will help you to realize that your rigid rules are part of the problem. When you can so casually label erotica as filth, somewhere inside you associate sex with filth, and that can't be healthy.
Maybe you're right and have a point. But the reason I use those words is strictly conscious. I hate porn. I hate it. And I envy better looking women, like porn stars. I know it's wrong to name call them, but as I don't know them and my rantings on an internet forum are absolutely meaningless to them, I do so in order to get some of the anger/envy out. Same thing with filth. I can't stand the fact that I have to accept that he gets pleasure out of watching better looking women ('cause porn actors look gross, big penis or not, so he doesn't get pleasure out of them). It may be natural and all, but I don't like it. Hey, I'm not saying I'm right, I hate being like this! I love sex, I just don't like it being shoved in my face, especially because it involves strangers (and yes, better looking women).
I am ugly, I've been told I am. Being ugly doesn't mean one can't get a relationship. Trust me, so many different people along sooooo many years can't be wrong! I'm ugly. And when good looking call themselves ugly, I feel even uglier and that happens all the time. Even people like Megan Fox for God's sake!
Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls that just stay single or have open relationships, and that I was bisexual. That way I wouldn't care about being exclusive or anything.
I don't have problems with bisexuality or homosexuality, not at all, to each their own! But I wouldn't like engaging in those activities and I don't think that means I grew up with rigid standards of what's normal. It's not that I feel negatively about anything that's "outside the box", but I just don't like the idea that he'd like to bring another female in our bed. And I know he would. He has that fantasy. Again, I feel envious of better looking females.
I just wish I was a man sometimes... they don't have it any easier than women, but I think I could cope with their issues better. Plus I could get off to other people and it'd be ok and normal and I would have no self confidence issues.
P.S: I know there are guys with bigger penises out there, but I don't see the appeal. It's not a fantasy of mine. Plus I've heard it hurts. However, he has made comments that my breasts have shrunk (with disappointment) as I've lost some weight. So it's different. And as I said, a fantasy of his is bringing another female to our bed, and I bet if I were to give in he'd immediately start looking for someone.
Last edited by sadandugly; 13th June 2009 at 8:35 PM..
I'll have to agree with sxyNYCcpl. You HAVE a boyfriend. He has a choice in the matter of whom he dates. He has chosen you. Clearly there's something about you, physical or no, that keeps him around.
If you're not good enough for you, there's no way you'll imagine how you're good enough for him. I'll agree that our media is terribly physical. From the other side of the coin, I can't help but wonder if a man is interested in the outside of me or what's inside (certainy the best I have to offer even if the outside of me wouldn't inevitably decay...)
What you'll have to learn to love isn't porn, its you. We all feel inadequate at times... just learn to focus on the good. Sit down and make a list of things that you like about yourself. Read it every day and add something to it whenever someone complements you on something or you feel like you've done a good job at work, etc. It'll take time but you're worth it.
I hate porn. I hate it. And I envy better looking women, like porn stars.
I agree with shindig, if you are not enough for you, you will never be able to believe you are good enough for him. Even if he did stop watching porn, it would be something else. The girls at the beach or in the mall. Or simply a creation of your imagination. If you don't love you, you'll never believe someone else truly can.
Why do you hate porn so? Because when you see it, you see something you are not, or at least don't believe yourself to be, and you fear your bf has the same reaction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadandugly
Being ugly doesn't mean one can't get a relationship.
Were you truly ugly, I mean in a way that people stare and young children spontaneously start to cry in your presence, trust me relationships would be hard to come by, if not impossible. It may not be fair, but it's true. I strongly suspect you are nowhere near as ugly as you believe.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadandugly
Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls that just stay single or have open relationships, and that I was bisexual.
In my experience many women are more bisexual than they believe, but I cannot say whether or not you are. I am not suggesting you go out and start making out with chicks, but I've sensed an undercurrent in your words that you find ANY kind of sex other than vanilla MF with "traditional morals" as being objectionable, and I wonder if that's because it's what you were taught and you simply accepted it as unmitigated fact or if you gave it some thought and came to that conclusion?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadandugly
I just don't like the idea that he'd like to bring another female in our bed. And I know he would. He has that fantasy.
If you wear your insecurity on your sleeve in the real world the way you do here, that will cause an end to your relationship far sooner than any other woman could. If his harboring that fantasy, in and of itself, is a serious problem for you then you need to try to understand why you feel so strongly. If you have strict monogamy as a requirement for an ongoing relationship, it's understandable that you would not want to ACT on such a fantasy, but to resent just the fact that it exists? Why?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadandugly
P.S: I know there are guys with bigger penises out there, but I don't see the appeal.
My point was that your relationship is not based exclusively on sexual prowess. He's not going to leave simply because he becomes aware that something "better" (as defined, ironically, by YOU) comes along, and neither are you.
Plus I gave up talking to my ex friend with benefits! We were very good friends. But many years before he introduced me to my current boyfriend, we fooled around (no intercourse). I remained a virgin. We cut the "benefits" and continued our normal friendship for a couple of years until I met my boyfriend (because he was friends with my ex friend). When he found out about my past (he asked and I had to tell him), he was so incredibly offended especially because I kept this information from him for months (hey, my past is my business, right?). He now doesn't trust me and uses my past against me. Whenever I say something about his porn use, he says I'm worse because of what I did in the past. He says I was slutty, 'cause of what I did since we were only friends.
So I had to give up talking to that friend, who was quite a complex guy anyway and very whiney and weird (was kind of a girl sometimes, he'd get angry at me if I wasn't "sensitive" to his feelings and not say a word to me for months!). So it wasn't that much of a loss, but still, I had to do that because he thinks I would've cheated on him (his ex cheated on him) with my friend. Which I would have never done, but to this day he doesn't believe me.
Maybe I have some hidden resentment towards his porn use because I had to make a big sacrifice for him. Also because I hate that he shoves porn in my face "as a joke" from time to time, like last night or last weekend that we went on a trip and we were staying in a cheap motel (we're students don't have much money) and he found a porn vid and made a point of watching it. Until two guys started doing a girl, and he said "oh, now that'll give you ideas..." and stopped it. I hate that doeble standard of his, he can watch as much porn as he likes but if I see a penis, he becomes upset! Even if I hate porn, he shouldn't have that double standard dammit...
And I insist that I'M NOT A MORALIST PRUDE WHO ONLY LIKES "VANILLA MF SEX". We have anal, we do oral, we've had sex in public places, we talk dirty, sometimes I let him do whatever he wants, I let him cum in my face when he wants, etc, etc. I even watched porn with him once...
Last edited by sadandugly; 13th June 2009 at 9:36 PM..
The double standard is pretty normal even though it isn't healthy or fair. I dig porn but I don't think most girls watch as much as I do. I like to think I don't find those girls intimidating because I have a strong sense of self and high self esteem. I tend to denigrate them (as you do) in order to resolve my cognitive dissonance about women who are physically more attractive than I am.
If your boyfriend gets upset when you see another penis I imagine it results from his insecurity. He perceives the images on the screen as a threat to him and his relationship with you. Do you think this is what you're experiencing? Or are you denigrating the women in the films in order to build yourself up like I do?
The double standard is pretty normal even though it isn't healthy or fair. I dig porn but I don't think most girls watch as much as I do. I like to think I don't find those girls intimidating because I have a strong sense of self and high self esteem. I tend to denigrate them (as you do) in order to resolve my cognitive dissonance about women who are physically more attractive than I am.
If your boyfriend gets upset when you see another penis I imagine it results from his insecurity. He perceives the images on the screen as a threat to him and his relationship with you. Do you think this is what you're experiencing? Or are you denigrating the women in the films in order to build yourself up like I do?
I denigrate them to feel better about myself, only for the very stupid reason that I hate them for being more beautiful/sexier than me. I feel insecure because of this. I don't see them as a threat, because I know they won't come out of the screen, and also that he won't leave me because of watching them... I denigrate them because I know he sees them and knows they are more attractive and even if he won't leave me for one of them and they are not a threat, I hate to think they are in a place in his head under the label of "sex goddess" (because of physique and prowess) and I'm second place to them (because I'm not as hot and probably lack some prowess). I hope that makes sense. Ergo, I denigrate them because if he could make me look sexier and have better skills, he would, without even thinking it twice, and I resent that.
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I feel abnormal!
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