Hi all. For almost a year now, I have been reading this forum, trying to get advice through the various questions that were asked. I had a "fling" with a married coworker that started last summer, and lasted for about six months. We did not have sexual intercourse but we certainly did things that would constitute as "sex." There is no doubt in my mind that my husband would consider this as cheating. I would not dispute that either. I started seeing a counselor about this and that helped in the sense that it provided an avenue for me to talk about this relationship. It has been six months since we "met" and I am still trying to get over him. I have been trying to channel all my energy to my husband but for some reason, I'm still lusting after my co-worker. He is on my thoughts often and I don't know how to stop this or get over him. We both want to leave our positions and we both have been applying for various positions. Short of quitting my job, I am not sure what to do. I should also mentioned that we knew what we did was wrong but still couldn't help ourselves. He was definitely the driver in the relationship, including putting a stop to it.
So your telling me that a grown and capable woman such as yourself connot control your own body and mind??? you was so helpless to control your own urges?
Are you really expecting people to believe your that weak?
I mean stop trying to justify and own up to what you have done, tell your husband and tell the OM NC!!!
Until your husband knows the truth and want to be an equal partner in the marriage, you dont have a true marriage, your the one who is lying and covering up things.
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You see I'm not a monster...I'm just ahead of the curve!!!
Time to start looking for another job. Staying and working with the coworker is only going to prevent you from letting go and healing.
You also NEED to stop lusting and allowing yourself to think of the coworker. No more fantasies and remembering, all that does is keep your feelings going.
Another option is, tell your husband the truth. His pain and his reaction to your choice in cheating on him, being with another man (minus actual sex-sex) WILL make you stop wishing and lusting after the OM.
I should also mentioned that we knew what we did was wrong but still couldn't help ourselves. He was definitely the driver in the relationship, including putting a stop to it.
No, you can't put most of the blame on him, you're MARRIED. You have to own up to this and not put it all on him. It takes two to tango and in that moment or the times you fooled around with him, you knowingly did this. To say you couldn't help yourselves is still a choice. You two allowed it to happen and weren't thinking at all. You could have put a stop to it as well, so again, please don't put this all on him. Noone put a gun to your head and said "cheat!"
It sounds like you're doing the best you can. You both made the right decision, and soon things will work out. Since adultery is defined as voluntary sexual intercourse with another person you are not married to, you did not commit adultery. You'll learn from the experience, and be wiser for it. Keep on trying to find a position elsewhere, and be professional at work. Eventually you'll no longer be working in proximity, and this will fade into the past.
You also NEED to stop lusting and allowing yourself to think of the coworker. No more fantasies and remembering, all that does is keep your feelings going.
Another option is, tell your husband the truth. His pain and his reaction to your choice in cheating on him, being with another man (minus actual sex-sex) WILL make you stop wishing and lusting after the OM.
No, I have not told my husband yet. I spoke to my counselor about this, and she said she understand some people may think it is necessary, but for my situation, she doesn't think it's going to help. Plus, she thinks telling him would be self-serving.
I am not putting all the blame on OM. I have doubt that I am just as guilty. When I said he is the driver, I meant to say that he has the control of our relationship - as in when we met, chat, or stopped. Not at all implying in any way that I was the "victim" here. Because, clearly I am not.
No, I have not told my husband yet. I spoke to my counselor about this, and she said she understand some people may think it is necessary, but for my situation, she doesn't think it's going to help. Plus, she thinks telling him would be self-serving.
I am not putting all the blame on OM. I have doubt that I am just as guilty. When I said he is the driver, I meant to say that he has the control of our relationship - as in when we met, chat, or stopped. Not at all implying in any way that I was the "victim" here. Because, clearly I am not.
I don't agree with your counselor on this one. I feel you've realized the wrong choices you've made and want to fix this.
Let me ask you this, what made you attracted to the OM? Was there something you "lacked" in your relationship with your husband? If the answer is yes, then I assume you want to address this with your husband?
To use a sports analagy, marriage is a team sport. You cannot fix what's "wrong" in your marriage alone. You will need your husband's help. How can he help if he doesn't have all the facts and the truth?
I would like to give you a homework assignment. Research on this site the number of BS's who learned about their WS's affairs years after the fact. Not only do they discuss the pain of the initial betrayal, but the additional pain of the years of lies and deceit. Many feel there entire marriage was buit upon a bed of lies. Many BS's do not overcome this and their marriage destructs. Is this what you want? I certainly don't think so and I'm sure most agree.
Yes if you tell your husband he's going to be hurt and pizzed. But, how do you think he's going to feel 5 or 10 years from now WHEN he finds out about this?
Enough of that. There's only one way to "get over" your OM. Seperation. If you cannot be seperated at your work, guess what, you need to change employement. I already know all the excuses, we can't afford it, I can't find another job, yada, yada. I'll put it this way; what's more important, your financial well-being, or your marriage. Choose wisely, but make a choice. You've admitted to us that your OM is in the "drivers seat" as far as your relationship. So, if he decides he "wants you back" and starts to pursue you, given the way you continue to feel about him, I find it difficult to believe you will not end up making further regretful choices. You will end up back at square one. Do yourself and your husband a favor and get out now, before it's too late.
No, I have not told my husband yet. I spoke to my counselor about this, and she said she understand some people may think it is necessary, but for my situation, she doesn't think it's going to help. Plus, she thinks telling him would be self-serving.
I am not putting all the blame on OM. I have doubt that I am just as guilty. When I said he is the driver, I meant to say that he has the control of our relationship - as in when we met, chat, or stopped. Not at all implying in any way that I was the "victim" here. Because, clearly I am not.
Secrets will kill your marriage, get another counselor. Self serving? Yeah, it will serve as an opportunity to be honest and get it all out in the open. I'm not judging you or anything, everyone makes mistakes and considering the forum a lot of people have made a lot worse mistakes than you have. Whereas being open and working through this with your spouse will be a good way to ensure it never happens again, keeping it as a dark little secret will simply open the door to more secrecy and invite this sort of thing to happen again.
No, I have not told my husband yet. I spoke to my counselor about this, and she said she understand some people may think it is necessary, but for my situation, she doesn't think it's going to help. Plus, she thinks telling him would be self-serving.
I am not putting all the blame on OM. I have doubt that I am just as guilty. When I said he is the driver, I meant to say that he has the control of our relationship - as in when we met, chat, or stopped. Not at all implying in any way that I was the "victim" here. Because, clearly I am not.
I would think this being in the drivers position would get rather tedious after a while. Nothing more boring than being in a relationship with an automaton.
Another option is, tell your husband the truth. His pain and his reaction to your choice in cheating on him, being with another man (minus actual sex-sex) WILL make you stop wishing and lusting after the OM.
yeah, not really, i'm afraid. it'll change things and introduce the possibility of rebuilding your marriage (mine is going really well, i can definitely recommend it), but it doesn't magically take away the longing, just as nothing magically takes away the craving for a drug. it sucks but there you have it. you find ways of breathing through it. that longing will be there for a long time, i expect, but just as we had a choice whether or not to act on it in the first place, we have a choice whether or not to act on it now. discomfort is part of it. write it out on here, cry and pine and wish it were different, that's ok. it doesn't have to dictate what you do or define who you are.
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"Neurosis is the inability to tolerate ambiguity." - Sigmund Freud
I have been trying to channel all my energy to my husband but for some reason, I'm still lusting after my co-worker.
you need to send out resumes, applications, and start looking for another job. Whether or not your H knows or finds out, it is now inappropriate for you to be around the OM.
So if you aren't willing to seek a job elsewhere, and don't give me the bad state of the economy bull, then you aren't deserving of being married. The economy may be bad, but you still keep applying elsewhere until you find something. you keep your job until then, but you keep trying. otherwise your H and marriage aren't that important to you.
Or maybe you need to tell your husband and he can make the decisions for you.
Quote:
He is on my thoughts often and I don't know how to stop this or get over him. We both want to leave our positions and we both have been applying for various positions. Short of quitting my job, I am not sure what to do.
applying for other positions within the same company isn't a solution. one or both need to find another place to work. Since this is your story, I'd say you need to apply at different companies.
"The therapist that I saw was not just a regular counselor. When I called to find someone who can work with marriage issues, she was recommended. What was even weirder was that she was in the same position that I was in. She cheated on her husband, married the man, and later they divorced. I have asked her on numerous occasions if I should confess, and she thought that it would not do any help. She asked what I hope to achieve, and I guess my main reason was to show my husband that we seriously need help"
And this is the person who your seriously considering taking advice from?
That's like a former crackhead teaching a fellow pipesmoker to love her addictions. Clearly your councilor has no definition of the idea of right and wrong!
What's wrong is that your doing the wrong thing, and you know it!!!
There's nothing wrong with your marriage per se, other than your husband being a little oblivious and a workaholic! the affair is 100% your fault.
You are unhappy for you being lonely, your husband didnt force you to have the affair, you did.
and personally speaking your councilor's an idiot. Your marriage will not stand a chance if you are NOT truthful with your spouse! without trust you have nothing.
Dexter: If you have read my earlier posts, you would have read that we are both trying to leave our positions. I have been actively searching and applying and the economy IS a legitimate reason. I'm tired of hearing how if I don't leave my job, it means that my marriage is not important. I read this in other threads too and it seems to me people don't realize that some of us have mortgages and bills to pay and we can't just say, yes, we screwed up and want to work on our marriages and I'll just quit my job even if I have nothing else.
I'm saying, yes my marriage is important, and yes, I am working extremely hard to leave my job but I can't leave until I have another one line up. In the mean time, I'm depressed whenever I see him, and I guess it's something that I have to deal with.
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