[Bas]

Hi all

Wonder if anyone would be so kind as to help me with a small problem?
Try not to make it too long.

Anyway, my girlfriend left me about 3 years ago .. don't blame her for it .. I took her for granted and stuff.
I've always missed her since .. Turned myself about and changed my behaviour .. after all, it wasn't working!
Been out with other girls .. they liked me but I just felt they weren't the right ones

I continued to send friendly postcards to my ex from my travels around the world. Never really got much in the way of feedback except Xmas cards and birthday cards. Once my friend bumped into her and she was very friendly, asking how I was and if I was seeing someone etc .. just being friendly, so there's no animosity!

So, this Xmas I got a really nice card from her ... saying she's lost weight, going out more, saying I should pop in if passing, giving me her email address, asking me to tell her whats new with me and general friendly chit chat.

I replied with an email, just friendly, nothing heavy at all .. just telling her whats new.

Anyway, get an email today .. saying -----> 'Hi Baz & thanks for your e-mail, happy new year to you & your family. Blah blah. Please don't think i want to re-kindle anything..........it's just nice to catch up & i know you like having lots of friends!!!' The rest just stuff asking about friends and family ... finishing off with 'drop me a line when you can...........nothing serious ...........have you got a job yet? take care S


I emailed back laughing it all off, saying, couldn't be further from my mind and it was just nice to hear from her again .. and generally being cool about it and whats been happening with friends, blah blah

SO, whats my plan to get her back, play it slowly? .. Is she setting out the facts or what's the agenda?
Any positive feedback would be really welcome, be very much appreciated actually

ta ta

bas

[Tony T]

It's very clear this lady wants you back in her life and she's giving her best shot at being cool about it. That's pretty obvious.

Take it very slowly...don't ask to see her for a while...two or three weeks. Exchange email with her every three or four days. Keep it lite. Then, after a while, suggest that the two of you meet for a snack, drink, lunch...something not very serious.

You can move on from there.

Sometimes women will do this when they have broken up with someone and are very vulnerable. That's what she may have been doing with this reconnection. Or she could have been sentimental during the holidays. Just pay attention and make sure you don't get sucked into something that isn't there.

People do grow and mature and very possibly she's not appreciating the guy you are and sees it's worth giving another try.

You'll have to meet with her and evaluate her motives before you make any big wedding plans.

[midori]

I'm with Tony. Take it slowly, keep your objective brain engaged, try not to build up high expectations prematurely. And good luck!

[Bas]

ahh, you two .. made my day
Thanks for the help, makes sense what you're saying.

However, I replied in my email to her, that I was up her way (which I am, honest around the 17th if she wanted to meet for a coffee or lunch .. I have to admire my coolness in my email to her, hiding my true feelings

[Ally Boo]

Am I reading this wrong? She said that she didn't want to rekindle anything, and you two are telling him that she doesn't mean what she said?

[Bas]

Now I'm not happy

[Paul]

Hi Bas,

Originally posted by Ally Boo
Am I reading this wrong? She said that she didn't want to rekindle anything, and you two are telling him that she doesn't mean what she said?

I'm just as confused as Ally here.

Originally posted by Baz
Please don't think i want to re-kindle anything

That's pretty direct and to the point if you ask me. Are these her actual choice of words?

Best wishes,
Paul

[midori]

Originally posted by Ally Boo
Am I reading this wrong? She said that she didn't want to rekindle anything, and you two are telling him that she doesn't mean what she said?

I'm not saying that for certain she doesn't mean it. But if you're testing the water (or just thinking about it) with an ex whose current status and perspective on you is unknown, you might be inclined to do so under the guise of "just saying a friendly hello." After all, if you come right out and say, "Hi Bas, I was dumped two months ago and I'm lonely and I was thinking that maybe you and I should give it another go," how is your ex likely to respond? Or, if he does go along with you -- but then turns out to be someone you don't want to rekindle things with after all -- then you have to extricate yourself somehow. This would be a much safer route.

It's just one possibility, although it seems rather likely to me. People initiate/maintain casual contact with their ex by sending xmas cards and occasional emails -- which she was already doing. People who show more interest in their ex's life (especially after a rather lengthy hiatus) do so because for some reason they are suddenly more interested in their ex's life ... no?

That's why Bas shouldn't jump to any conclusions as yet, and should try to remain as objective as possible in his interaction with her. Sooner or later it will become clear what she's got in mind.

[Bas]

Paul .. yep .. actual words.
However, I think she must have been analyising my email back to her for a bit, probably showing her friends and sisters as to the meaning blah blah. They probably put their two pennies worth in

Hence the reply ... but from hardly any contact over 3 years to at least friendly contact so at least we're emailing now in a friendly manner (not that we parted on bad terms at all)

I think she's just a bit wary of my motives ......... So, my question is .. now we're talking and in a easier manner ..

Whats my plan of action ?

Ta Ta

I've tried all that suble stuff with women before. I think you've been given some good suggestions.

I don't think I have good information because I've been inspired by frustration. But here goes anyway. I feel that she is trying to get back with you and trying to look cool at the same time. Screw that, because it makes you look and feel stupid about wanting to get back with her. You'll pretend to keep it casual which will in turn make her pretend to be casual. Sure that might drive the two of you crazy and make you want each other even more but it's playing things the woman's way. I have to say that for too long men have tip toed around the woman's way of doing things. Women always dictate what WE need to do to get them. Well, maybe they need to know what THEY need to do to get us.

For starters, I would blow her plan out of the water.. This is self destructive but fun none the less.. I would tell her that I was still interested and am disappointed that she's not. I would go on to mention that I find it difficult to be with a "friend" I had a relationship with, especially if I still have feelings for her. I would tell her that I consider her still, so I like to send her a card now and then, but my heart can't take her coming around trying to make a friendship out of something that was once more intimate. The TRUTH and puting everything out on the table just kills a woman..hehe..

Like I said.. don't listen to me. It's better just to say, "Yes Dear".. in a manner of speaking.

Okay, first off why on earth would you give a girl that dumped YOU the benefit of your contact?!?! If she dumped you, you should have just said, wonderful, don't call me! :-}

If she said hi and she wanted to see how you were doing but then in the next email say she didn't want to get involved with you, thats a bunch of crap. Sounds like she just wants you to want her and have feelings for her but then never let you have her. Its probably not going to go anywhere, just send a reply that you are sorry but you don't feel like shes worth talking to any longer if she thinks she can just play with your feelings and do whatever she wants to you.

I agree partially with Troy, however I'm more negative, don't even bother to write back, just ignore her. Because you know that she either will say no to meeting you, or she'll say yes, lead you on like she wants to get back with you then slam the door in your face(just a metaphor).

I suppose that in the off chance she really does want to get back with you, but doesn't want to make it seem like shes the one crawling back after she dumped you, I'd tell her to go find some other puppy willing to be kicked around.

[jeannie_mcbeal]

Women usually wants to remain friends with those they broke up with. I think she just wants to be friends, esp when she did spell out that she is not trying to rekindle anything.

Yes you are correct women DO want to remain friends with guys they leave...

Reason being is that way they have more guys they can keep on the back burner. But if the guy dumped her they wouldn't want to remain friends.

I think what you need is a women's perspective - a devious one at that! I too recently emailed an exboyfriend - with the intention of us getting back together. The problem is hes with someone and in a very serious relationship. We have a lot of history together and yes, I do want him back. Regardless, I told him I don't mean to get in the way of his relationship I just don't want to lose touch again. (we stopped speaking for 3 years!!) I don't want to lose contact again, and who knows, maybe he may feel the same way again.

Is it possible that she is doing the same thing? maybe she doesn't know where she stands with you - at least not yet! or maybe shes not sure whether this relationship is something she should persue. I'd assume the two of broke up for a valid reason and maybe she wants to be sure that those issues wont once again arise. People do change over the years and maybe she wants to see what you are like before she persues anything with you agian. I suggest you do the same.

Then again, maybe I have it all wrong!!!!