I know there's plenty of threads about this but what's one more? ha
My situation is hard because the person I'm moving from on wants me to stay, be a buddy, basically reap the benefits of my adoration without having to reciprocate.
So I stopped hanging out with her, I blocked her Facebook feed, I don't write her, when she writes me I am polite and brief.
I am spending time with other people, in counseling, keeping busy with other projects, reading literature and articles to help me move on.
And yet, she keeps popping into my head making me sad, angry, occasional tears, bad dreams.
I know, I know, TIME. But can we help speed that up?
Sigh.
Last edited by MagicRat09; 13th May 2009 at 9:53 AM..
Reason: appalling grammar
I hate to say this, but time is a fixed rate. Unless you have a DeLorean that can go 88 miles an hour, you're stuck.
I feel for you, as you know I'm in the same boat. I've been 3 weeks with no contact, and overall its been over 3 months of this whole situation and while it's a bit easier it's still very difficult. It's a strange no contact situation too because there was no break-up per say and there are zero bad feelings, no ill-will, etc. So it's hard to mentally assure yourself that the no contact is validated. You start to think, well maybe just a little. But you can't. Again, I'm not advocating no contact forever but it has to be until you can honestly see her as just a friend. The test would be if you saw her on the arm of another man and you only felt slight jealousy but overall it wouldn't affect you.
In my case, I'm willing to respond if she contacts me but I've all but stopped contacting her. It had boiled down to I did 100% of the contacting, she'd respond 100% of the time but I grew tired of that lopsided communication style. I'll be the initiator of contact 100% of the time, if we were headed towards a relationship but we weren't. So I don't believe friends should have those lopsided numbers. In a relationship, I'm the guy so I should be the one doing the majority of the perusing. But as friends it should be close to 50/50. Neutral, just like friends.
She'll be in your head for a while. The girl is not out of my head. In fact I've been having strange dreams about her, where even in my dreams I can't have her. How sad is that? But it's because she's been on my mind. I try not to think about her, but when downtime comes it's hard not to since she was an important part of my life. Think of the girl in this case and it'll make sense. She's a drug. A very destructive drug and you were hooked on the feeling she gave you. Now, without that drug you are detoxing. You're getting the shakes and right now the cravings are HUGE. But with time, as with rehab, those cravings will soon begin to fade.
Keep a journal of your progress, day by day. I do mine in written form that way I can write it anywhere. But I found that helps immensely, rather than contacting her. Post as much as you want on LS, I know every time I feel the urge I post here instead.
It just is a crappy situation for you. The girls don't seem to be affected by this at all. It would have been much easier if there would have been a huge fight and then you'd have justification for being angry, for the hate, and for the no contact. But there wasn't. But believe me, it's for the best. Even meeting new people, doing new things, I still tend to think about this girl. But you have to get out there, eventually she'll be a distant memory.
__________________
"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."
Last edited by WTRanger; 13th May 2009 at 2:17 PM..
Thank you so much Ranger...that's exactly what's happening in my head. I even woke up shivering last night, and I don't have the flu so you have to wonder...it is like drug withdrawal, it's breaking an addiction.
The dreams are there for me too, and I'm actually fearful of downtime, that's when she creeps in of course.
Try to actively stop yourself. When you start thinking about her, take a step back, take a deep breath, and tell yourself to "Stop it!" Sometimes you have to convince even your own brain to listen to itself. It's not easy but you have to give it time. There is no quick fix.
I have also found that severely limiting my alcohol intake stops me from getting the "Whoa is me's!" as well.
The advice my friends have given me was to get angry - all said to me 'seriously are you not even a little bit pissed off that this guy never wanted you in that way, but yet kept stringing you along?' and no, couldn't get the anger, was feeling sorry for myself, sorry for not contacting him (I still am feeling bad about that)...but actually I'm finding NC is actually giving me the space to think 'well, hang on a minute here, maybe this guy wasn't all I thought he was' - it's helping me not get sucked back in there.
So bearing that in mind I've been told that being downright angry is the only way to actually a) feel justified with the NC b) to actually get over the person as then you go through the rest of those phases until you reach acceptance or, as one friend says, total apathy.
Is totally horrible though, I'm with you guys there. I too have had dreams, one of the object of my affection telling me I was hurting him really badly and that he never ever wanted to see me again and in the dreams I felt like my heart had been ripped out...luckily I never hit that stage in reality, I'm veering between stoic acceptance and trying to get angry in order to feel justified and to allow me to move on.
I can say that I'm wavering between the anger and fond memories stage. I'm finally able to let myself be angry for the situation. Angry at the lack of her communication, angry at the fact that despite me being honest for once in my life about how I truly feel about someone it's met with an ignoring silence. For a long time I felt I had done something wrong, that I was the one who drove my friend away. I still feel that way sometimes, but I'm slowly starting to realize that no matter what I did I was hosed. If I told her, she runs away. If I hold it in, those feelings will fester inside me and rot me from the core out.
Talk about a damned if you do, damned if you don't. I just prayed that the other person in this case could at the very least be honest with me. I guess that one went unanswered.
One day, this will all be a distant memory. Until then, we've just got to keep busy and keep moving forward.
Gotta agree with Pad Bear, anger can be very therapeutic. I am at the stage where I am reflecting on how selfless I really was in our relationship, all the while she has convinced herself how selfish I was. Look, I did some jerk moves, calling her when drunk, leaving LA without saying goodbye because I was pissed at her, etc. But as i look back, I was pretty damn good to her, if I may be so bold as to say so! So getting angry over what I think is pretty flimsy material for breaking up with me, coupled with an email that read something like "I'll be honest, I don't want to be with you anymore" and "You shouldn't contact me and I shall not contact you", have left me less than dripping with adoration for her. Should have listened to my first instincts, "Get this train wreck out of your life, man! NOW!" But being in love and under such romantic circumstances was definitely nice. I'll always have a place in my heart for her and I really do hope she'll look me up again, I still think we could be good friends, someday...
Think about this one. Does she miss you or your attention? I think it might be time to be absolutely clear with this girl. Tell her either we hang out as a means to move forward into a possible relationship or we stop seeing each other for a bit until you can remove her from your head as an object of affection.
This sucks as she in unfortunately not making this any easier on you. She is in sense forcing you to be the bad guy because her spine cannot support it. You might just have to take that role. Think about all of the crap, the bad days, the shivers, the chills, the thoughts, the dreams, the daydreaming you have done over this girl. For what? Only for more confusion! Channel that anger into her, not yourself. This will help you see her for who she is and hopefully you can move on from your feelings.
I'm not saying you should never be her friend, ever again. I'm saying you need to avoid this one until you no longer have such deep feelings for her. The minimum you can do, is avoid all physical contact with her. That helps to push her image out of your head. The best case is avoid all contact for 30 days and see where that gets you.
Thanks Ranger. Ugh this is HARD! I had very limited contact for a month, that is I didn't write call or see her. We had mutual n/c for 10 days 'til today.
MagicRat, it sounds to me that you have an extreme case for sure. All I can say is listen to Ranger about this. I went through the same (although not as severe) thing a few months back, and yes it is hard. I started dating another girl who is beautiful, smart, cool and down to earth. She adores me... her eyes light up when she sees me, and she is happy when we are together. But had I stayed in the funk I was in, I wouldn't have met the girl I am currently dating.
I stayed in contact with the other girl, and do to this day. Of course, now that I am seeing another girl, she is desperate to be with me. But I have no interest. In fact, my new problem is that I feel sorry for her. She is single, and now she has lost any opportunity to date me. I saw her last night and she is acting differently and almost desperate. I really do wish she would meet someone else because she is still a friend, and I want her to be happy. I sure am.
Charles is right on. Go meet other girls and this one will all of a sudden realize what she doesn't have anymore. Plus, it's better for you.
The girl in my case, I still keep in touch with her and I still do really care about her. But I'm also actively out trying just to at least meet other girls. Who knows what I might find? I can tell you that while I still think a lot about the original girl, there is nothing better to take your mind off of her than a great night out on the town with a new girl.
Who knows what the future holds?
If this was all easy, this forum wouldn't exist....
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