Ok, here's the deal: Been w/ this girl for the past 2.5 some-odd
years, off-again/on again a couple of times, but we've managed
to stick together pretty well. Anyway, the last time she and I
split it off, I descended into an out-of-control lifestlye filled with
daily drinking binges, occasional marijuana use, going thru at
least a pack-and-a-half of cigarettes a day, all compunded with
the depression, sadness, anger and hysteria which typically
marks a bad break-up.

The reason for this behavior that last time we broke up?

She was with someone else.

That ABSOLUTLEY KILLS me.

Call it an over-inflated sense of pride or a hyperactive ego, if you
will. But the fact remains I just can't stand it. I believe perhaps
more than most.

Or maybe not.

This is my first real relationship, my first real love.

Anyway, back to the point: It seems to be happening again. About
4 days ago, we were speaking on the phone and she seemed
somewhat disconnected from the conversation, I questioned it,
and as usual, getting her to fess up to a problem w/ the relationship is like pulling teeth. All she tells me is she's "feeling weird about the relationship again" but nothing else. We explore
some possible reasons, and it's all the same stuff as the last 4 times we broke it off.

Regardless, this is getting out of hand. I can't keep going on with
this on again/off again crap. I was raised in a traditional family
that stressed the importance of monagamy and devotion when it came to dealing with relationships. Perhaps that's why I never
seem to truly get over it when she's been w/ other people when
we've been "off."

Like I said, it seems to be happening again, and bottom line is
I don't want to spiral out of control like last time. I know I can't
force her to love me, want to be with me, or keep her from wanting to be with other people. What can I do, do you think, to cope with this over-developed sense of indignation?

[Bill]

Anyway, the last time she and I
split it off, I descended into an out-of-control lifestlye filled with
daily drinking binges, occasional marijuana use, going thru at
least a pack-and-a-half of cigarettes a day, all compunded with
the depression, sadness, anger and hysteria which typically
marks a bad break-up.

Sounds like you aren't from a traditional family

My advice: Find someone that won't pull you around.

The whole traditional family/drinking binge disparity is less clear
than it may at first appear. First of all, upon reflection, the heavy significance I place on monogamy in a relationship probably has
less to do with my upbringing than it does with other issues (which to this day still elude me). Second, the fact that I suddenly developed a lifestyle of excess (a direction my life previously never went) was probably more the result of the all too common mix of availability of alcohol/drugs and an unbalanced emotional state brought on by the sudden shock of the break up. But I digress.

My above post may not have been entirely accurate; the dynamics of any relationship are, as I'm sure everyone here is aware, much too complicated and numerous to list in the space afforded by a 15" computer screen (I suppose that's rather small by today's standards?). Regardless, the basic point to my musings is that I am having difficulty dealing with this girl. I still remember the jolt I felt run through my body the first time I laid eyes upon her. I remember how happy I was when I finally started seeing her, the first night we spent together, etc.

That's everybody, though.

We break up, get back together, break up, get back together...

I'm becoming rather tired, and, frankly, annoyed with this whole
setup. Perfect justification to just call it quits and move on, right?

I don't know, maybe it's just the whole psychological aspect of her going off with someone else that makes me want her more. Like I lost her, and just want someone that I know, for the time being at least, I cannot have. Maybe I'm just a masochist minus the gag in my mouth and the paddle across my ass.

But I digress again.

In any event, I apologize for the long post. I actually feel somewhat better just getting this sh*t off my chest. Any further advice would be appreciated.

[HokeyReligions]

This is your first relationship you said. Well, it's over. Let it go and keep the fond memories. What have you learned from it? About yourself? About how you treat others? About how you want others to treat you? Do you now have a clearer idea of what you want out of a relationship? Are you ready to make a decision to date for fun and not go looking for a serious relationship - or do you approach each date as a prospective mate for life?

You need to think about yourself and what you want and what you KNOW is right. If you have difficulty with this you may need to get some counseling -- someone outside the situation can help you gain some insight on how you handle relationships and about yourself. The binging sounds like you need to give yourself an ego boost and not depend on someone else. Search for Codependency on the internet and read up on it.

Welcome to the world - it's full of heartbreak and tears, but that is almost always followed by sunshine and laughter. Let her go and move on.

[Debster]

1) Stay with her and keep riding the emotional, destructive rollercoaster
2) Break up and find someone who you won't need to break up with.

I'm a big one for returning to the scene of the crime, so to speak. So believe me, I know what you're feeling. However I got to the point where I finally said ENOUGH. A relationship shouldn't be this hard. If we can't keep it together for a number of months (in my case) then what's the point. Looks like you're getting to that stage too.

[kat316]

It is hard to have an opinion about someone elses relationship that you do not even know. The only ones really knowing what is going on are the two in it, I always restrained myself fom giving advice to others since you never knew what the outcome would be anyway. Some people get back together some do not.
One thing I can relate to however is your selfdestructed behavior and that is not good for you. Maybe your repressed anger that this relationship is not working out is making you hurt yourself? Maybe you are trying to fill an empty void by drinking?
Learn how to take about yourself is very hard but essential for a relationship to work out.
Kat