I've been married almost 13 years and have 2 daughters, 7 and 10.
2 1/2 years ago, my husband started working a job that took him away from home for long periods of time. We talked on the phone all the time and saw each other as much as possible. At first, everthing was great and the times we saw each other were awesome.
In January of this year (2002), our relationship just seemed off. I couldn't place my finger on it, but I felt like my husband was enjoying his "bachelor" life more than his married life. Time together wasn't as wonderful. The biggest problem happened when my brother got very sick and died. Since March, I have just been kinda running on automatic. I moved back to my home state, hoping to have help with our children from family, and regain a sense of normalcy.
My husband didn't want us to make the move because he doesn't want to return to our "home" state. He's about a 5 1/2 - 6 hour drive away.
His last time home, things were just wrong. I flew up to see him and he dropped the biggest bomb - He said he isn't in love with me anymore and hasn't been for about a year (give or take). He doesn't know if wants to work it out or get a divorce. He says he loves me and we both just cried and cried. He said he felt really guilty.
I want our marriage to work, but I don't want to suffocate him by calling him all the time or making all the effort. I'm just at a loss as to what to do.
Has anyone else been through something like this??
P.S. Sorry if I haven't put this in the right place.
I really don't know what to say. You have a lot invested in this marriage and it kinda sounds like what was commonly called the "seven year itch" but at 13 years.
My girlfriend went through something like this a couple years ago. I noticed her at work and she was pale and drawn and had to keep leaving for doctor appointments, etc. Turns out her husband dropped a bombshell on her too about not being in love with her and not wanting to spend the rest of their lives together. He had even looked for an apartment.
They both decided that they wanted to make the marriage work for the kids, but only if they were happy too, so decided on some serious marriage counseling. They've been going for a year now and their marriage is better than before. She is still not real secure yet - always waiting for that bomb, you know? But getting stronger every day. They did not split up.
I hope that you two do not split up either and that you both get into marriage counseling ASAP.
I know I advocate professional counseling in most of my replies/posts, but I am such a proponent because it is in-person and applies only to those involved. Getting some ideas, support, and sympathy from an internet board or from friends over lunch is helpful to, but it's like putting a bandaid over a bullet hole. It's not going to heal the problem, just make it stop bleeding for a very short while. And there are all sorts of counselors and therapists. They saved my marriage years ago.
what is at the root of his behavior. you need to find out what went wrong, how you and he both contributed to it. and then, if he sees it may be fixable, then maybe he'll change his mind.
but what's fixable to you might not be to him.
i say call. i've never been one to mince words. you are his wife, helllllllooo, you have the right to call him and maybe uncover some of the mystery.
you need conversation right now to put some perspective on all this.
The fact that he said he wasn't sure, is a good thing. There is still hope. I'd give him space, and get some counseling. When my ex husband wanted me to give it another try, he went to counseling on his own, and invited me. That impressed me that he was going, and I realized that I did love him to a degree, and that the only way to know for sure we werent making a mistake, was to go.
__________________
That's just what I think....
Ally
UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not.
Thank you for all your responses. I bought "Divorce Remedy" and read it. It seems that I am supposed to be pleasant and not bring up our problems for now. Also, I should get a life and not sit around pondering my problems.
The biggest dilemna is to not tell him that I love him because it only makes him uncomfortable (which I can totally see). He always has made such a big deal about saying I love you before he end a conversation or leave each other - it's just hard to not do. There is this uncomfortable silence when we are hanging up the phone!!
I talked to my kids about all of this today. I think he's justifying it to them. I may have nailed the coffin shut - who the hell knows (sorry for the profanity).
Well, he said he wants to file for a divorce. I've already contacted the attorney and started pulling everything together. I have to write a "synopsis" of our marriage - that should be fun NOT!
I'm sorry Cat. A divorce is so hard. I was only married a year and a half, to a guy I had known since my childhood...and it was so hard. We didn't have kids, or as long of a history that you have...and I can't imagine what you are going through.
Looking back, I would have gone to counseling. A divorce can make you a bitter person...it can also make you vunerable. Just make sure you make time for yourself...and take good care of yourself.
If you need anything, just ask. I know you are hurting...
Thanks Ally. I have found strength in prayer. Thank goodness. I'm normally a strong person but was becoming very weak. I'm all for counseling and trying to make the marriage work; however, it takes two to tango!
I went through a divorce back in 1988, but he was quite the mentally abusive control freak, and I was glad to be done with the marriage. I had known him for most of my teen years too. It is hard, whether or not there are children involved or not.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Divorce can be a very hard pill to swallow. But it may all be for the best. You both could not continue a successful marriage if only one of you were committed. For some reason, his feelings changed. I'm curious to know for what reason though. But people do grow apart. I know it's going to be a difficult time, but hang in there. Work on doing for you now and your kids. For so long, your husband along with your kids have been your main focus. Use this time now to start re-discovering you. Because you are worthy. It will be important that you have a good support network around to help you during these difficult times.
You are a wonderful and dynamic person. For some reason or another, your husband took that for granted. And now it will be him that loses out. Not to say that you can turn your feelings off like a faucet but sometimes you have to love someone from the balcony of your life. You know they are there, you may even remotely see them, but things are just so far out of reach that salvaging the relationship may not be doable. Best of luck to you. And hug your girls extra tight because from you they will learn that this is not the end of the world and that a new day can begin.
Cat,
I just signed up with this site and was reading through the posts, your story sounds like mine. I have recently finalized my divorce. It was the most difficult thing I've ever been through. How did yours turn out? Were you able to save your marriage? If you need to talk, I would love to have some one to talk about this stuff with.
Mark - I thought there was hope, but seems that the husband has had a girlfriend for quite a while. He says they started out as friends, but it developed in to something more, when he had given up all hope.
When I found out there was another woman, I just told him to call his attorney (we filed the divorce in January) and send the settlement agreement on. I was tired of fighting a losing battle.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 1st May 2003 at 2:27 AM..
Reason: E-mail address, inappropriate comments removed.
I am so glad for you that you have moved back to your home state where you have family who will be a good support system for you during this difficult time.
While 13 years is a long time to spend with someone, your husband has not been a constant presence in your family unit for the last three years…with the exception of supporting the three of you financially. You were basically doing everything on your own anyway, since more is required from a husband and father than the occasional conjugal visit.
Aside from the grief you will suffer over the loss of this marriage (which is natural), nothing else will actually change so long as your attorney makes sure you continue to get the financial help you need for yourself and your children. Since your husband was clearly the one who abandoned the marriage and filed for divorce, the settlement aspect should be a relatively standard one.
And do not, even for one second, feel that you were somehow responsible for “nailing the coffin shut.” Your children are as much a part of this marriage as the two of you are, and deserve to know truth (to the best of their understanding).
Good luck to you, Cat. You are a strong lady and a remarkable roll model for those children. Watching you survive this with your strength and dignity intact will show them that life and love goes on...in spite of adversity.
Cat,
I'm sorry to hear that. I know first hand how difficult it is to put up a fight when there is another person involved. My wife...Xwife..I'm not used to calling her that yet...left me for another man. I think that if she hadn't met him, we could have worked through our problems.
What do your kids think about him having a girlfriend? Do they like her? That is a real sore spot for me, my sons telling me how great mom's new boyfriend is.
If this is all too personal, please forgive me. I have had a hard time finding people to talk to. My male friends arent capable of these types of conversations, and all my female friends were her friends, so they dont want to talk to me about it. A womans perspective, especially someone in a similar situation, would be great to hear. Which is why I came here.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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