[Worried girlfriend]

I've recently read a lot of threads in here and it has been a real eye opener and very useful, thank you! Like many others in here, I've never done drugs at the age of 35 and have very strong principles against drugs. However, my boyfriend (age 42) through 1 year does cocaine. I found out 7 months into our relationship and I kicked him out on the spot when I found out. I cannot and I will not accept drugs in my life.

Well, I guess you all know the story about loving someone and taking him back because he promises to stop. So here we are 5 months later and I'm afraid that not much has changed. This has led me to going through his things which I deeply regret but I found it necessary to collect "evidence" of his abuse before confronting him again and again.

But there are still some things that are unclear to me. I think he has done it probably every other day while I've known him and mostly alone. He says that it is only recreational use but to me it looks like a clear case of addiction. Furthermore, as I've seen in another thread in here, we were away for two weeks over Christmas and he didn’t do it but the day we came back he called his dealer.

So my first question: is taking cocaine every other day recreational? What is the frequency of recreational? Once a week, once a month?

And then: what is the average amount that people take? I know that he buys 5 grams at a time – but he won't tell me how long it lasts or how much he takes at a time. I know that he buys at least 10 grams a month.

I know that he has done for at least 2 and half years now (he said he started when his father died) so what maybe started out as an escape form the harsh reality has now f**ked up his life completely.

Anyway, after having had many rows lately because he keeps taking cocaine and me basically kicking him out time after time for being inconsiderate and not respecting my boundaries (he has never been violent or cheated on me though), he has promised that he will stop doing cocaine. And I love him and I want to believe him….but I suppose like all active addicts he is most likely lying. So here comes the core:

Ideally, he would enter a NA programme but living in a French speaking city (and he only speaks English), I'm not sure that is possible or that he wants to. Anyway, he tends to think that he can deal with this himself and I want to give the benefit of the doubt. However, would it be too much to ask him to do drug tests at home? And can you recommend any?

Secondly, would it be wrong of me to tell his friends (some do coke and others don't) that he has an addiction problem (which they don't know about and may not have themselves) and that they should not offer him any coke if they go out (which is really rare by the way) as they will only make it more difficult for him?

Sorry for this long thread but I do love him and I just want to help him to have a normal and happy life (hopefully with me).

[headlesschicken]

1) 10 grams of coke a month is a lot.

2) IMO, recreational use is a day or two a month, maybe less, maybe with friends, definitely not every other day and certainly not alone.

3) it really doesn't matter if we think he's an addict or not. the question is whether you can accept that he's going to use drugs with or without your knowledge or consent.

4) he has to want to go to treatment and get clean. i'd be wary if he said he's doing it for you.

5) drug tests are beside the point here. you've shown him by your actions time and again that there are no consequences for his using. you continue to take him back when he uses sweet words and promises. he has to know you're serious.

[Woggle]

I know you love him but I would get out while you can. I don't have issues with recreational use but every other day is way too much and it will only get worse. He migbht even graduate to harder drugs and the more you try and stop him the worse he will get. I was married to an addict and I would advise you to dodge this bullet right now. He will have to get clean on his own and if he does you can be happy for him but don't let him drag you down with him.

[burningashes]

The other posters have good advice, don't let him drag you down if he gets worse, get out as soon as you can. Coke is one of the hardest drugs to get cleaned up from. I know a lot of people who does coke and most of them haven't quit yet.

The drug test isn't really going to help, what if he tests positive? What would you do then? It shows that you have zero trust in him and quite frankly, trust is the one of the important foundations for a relationship. He knows that you aren't serious about him coming clean so far, and there has to be consequences. You need to be prepared to leave him, and to accept that if he chooses to continue to do drugs after you leave. I'm sorry, it's going to suck, but that's one of the possibilities you need to prepare yourself for. Best case scenario is that he comes clean and you guys live happily ever after, and I'm not banking on that.

[Worried girlfriend]

First of all, thanks for your replies which were very helpful. And yes, I have made a decision which I am going to stick to. If he does drugs again – I am out for good. Because if that is his choice then he can ruin his own life but I will not let him ruin my life as well. It's just not worth it, I mean you can't choose your parents or your children, but you can certainly choose your partner, so it would be downright stupid to choose someone who would prioritise drugs over me.

That being said, I told him two days ago that my condition for staying in the relationship was that he would submit to drug testing. He reluctantly accepted. He also said though that he should leave me when I demanded something like that but that he loved me too much to leave me, so therefore the reluctant acceptance. He also said: I don't have to be with you to do drugs – meaning he did drugs before he met me and if we don't last he will probably do it again. My reply was: you are absolutely right but then do it alone (or with someone who accepts it) and don't mess up my life. No more, Ms Nice Girl!

He knows that this is the last chance I'll give our relationship – and he said and still says that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, so the question is whether I am better than the drugs. I guess only time will tell. Anyway, I'll keep you updated and again thanks for your replies.

[thelostsoul89]

Worried girlfriend, Your boyfriend seems to be in denial of his addiction. If hes using every other day then it has gotten pretty serious. The only way he will ever stop is for himself, he has to want to stop. He has to realize what this drug is doing to him and the people around him. If you really love him you will stay by him and help him as much as you can. If you just keep kicking him out thats not really going to solve anything. I hope you the best of luck with this situation