My boyfriend likes to watch movies that show naked women in them. They aren't porn but just movies you can get anywhere. I did find a porn hidden in our bedroom, when he lied and told me he never watched them. I would like for him to turn his head but he decides that he shouldn't have to because he is an adult. We are planning to get married really soon, but it hurts my feelings so bad that he looks at other women on these movies. I don't know what to do!
It's likely you haven't scratched the surface where your fiance's interest in naked women is concerned. There are some men who are addicted to magazines, movies, etc., featuring naked women.
If this really bothers you, simply tell him to cease or you will not marry him. See what happens over time. I don't think he can pull it off, he'll just be far more secretive.
If you don't want a life of having to look all over the house for hidden video tapes and following your guy whenever he might be going to a magazine store or XXX rated movie house, you will put off this wedding until you are certain he has gotten over this interest for all time.
It would be very hard for most men who are into this stuff to get over it overnight.
On the other hand, it's much better that he looks at naked women in the privacy of his home than for him to go and seek them out somewhere.
whats wrong with lookign at naked bodies in movies??
i think it is an insecurity issue. just b/c he looks at models or what-not doesn't mean he doesn't love u or isnt attracted to u. come on, if u see a cute guy, arent u gonna look? ya, but what it mean? nothing!
u'r the one he wants to marry... that means he wants to be with u... and i dont see why him looking at naked bodies on TV can interfere...
2. He makes attempts to hide actual pornography in his room, which is a clear indication he knows it is hurting his fiance and a clear indication his probelm goes way beyond just watching naked women on tape.
3. His fiance has asked him to stop and he does not want to comply. Of course, he does not have to but she doesn't have to marry him either.
4. This man is not willing to make one small sacrifice in order to stop an act which hurts his lady.
This is NOT a question about whether or not it's OK for a man to look at tapes of naked ladies. This is a question about a man who is unwilling to stop a behavior that is hurting his girlfriend. Yes, of course, she can change her mind and stop allowing herself to be hurt by this. But I do see her point...and her boyfriend does not.
In relationships, when we are hurting our partner we either talk it out until the hurt is no longer their or we strive to make adjustments. His unwillingness to do either to a satisfactory level is a clear indication of what kind of husband he will be.
This interest in naked women could get worse as time goes on if nothing is done about it now.
Some people might find nothing wrong with this, but that does not mean that the people who do not like it have to put up with it. SK83, it sounds like your guy is disrespecting you. If he's going to do this now with pornography what else might he do it with later?
Sometimes it's a phase people go through and as a happy marriage developes, the phase will pass. But sometimes it doesn't.
There should be honesty between couples and something like this can destroy a relationship. The biggest issue I see is not the porn, but the dishonesty. Porn is one issue - dishonesty is a huge blanket that can cover a multitude of issues. It's difficult to reestablish trust after this.
I used to be very, VERY insecure about myself and my then-boyfriend used to enjoy porn. I took it as a personal insult even though I knew in my mind that it wasn't directed as an insult toward me, but my heart hurt anyway. We had some good discussions about this and he realized that he was disrespecting me and hurting me. It wasn't easy for him to stop though - it had been a part of his "single" life for a long time. He was very nonchalant about it. We had to compromise where I needed to learn to be more self-confident and self-assured and he needed to tone it down and make sure he showed me that I was #1 to him. Eventually it faded out and we were fine - part of that was just normal maturing. However, we began having marital problems -- after 15 years of marriage -- and he turned back, searching for something from his youth I guess to comfort him. A year or so after we worked out our problems I found a pornographic movie hidden away. It caused a lot of hurt feelings on my behalf and a lot of embarassment on his. And even to this day I sometimes wonder what else he has kept from me.
You need to work out this problem before you get married, but don't think that means the relationship has to end -- it has to be a compromise for both of you, so that both of you can be happy. If porn is a deal-breaker for you, then he needs to understand why, respect that, find a new outlet for those energies, and be honestly willing to give it up. He also needs to know that if he slips somewhere he can come to you and be honest with you and not deceptive. If this is a serious obsession and not a passing phase, then you both might need some professional help in dealing with it.
You need to also increase your own self-esteem and self-confidence so that you can work through these problems rationally and see problems for what they are and not take them so personally.
Wait, I'm confused. You say he watches regular R rated movies and likes looking at naked women in them? It's difficult these days to even find an R rated movie without some nudity, so I think it's a little extreme to ask him never to watch another movie. And asking him to turn his head? That's what my mom used to tell me to do when I was a little kid.
If he was watching porn all the time, then I'd see the problem. I just don't see it here. So you one porn movie. Maybe it was ten years old and he still had it laying around. Maybe he really doesn't watch it anymore. Maybe one of his friends bought it for him as a joke. Maybe it was from a bachelor party.
Do you really have reason to think that he's addicted to porn? I don't know...he just sounds like a normal guy to me, and you sound insecure. I agree that you do need to get to the bottom of this. He won't enjoy it if you tell him what to do for the rest of his life, and you won't enjoy it if he keeps watching R rated movies. Sounds like a compatibility issue to me.
1) the porn issue is separate from the honesty issue
i, as a woman, enjoy watching tastefully done porn. when i watch it with a man, i do not wish i was with the guy in the movie, i'm thinking about what i'm going to be doing next with the guy i'm with
2)there's a good chance that he is not being honest with you because he feels stifled by your morals. i'm not saying you are wrong or he is wrong. but there is a big difference of opinion. so what does someone do when they are not "allowed" to do it? they rebel and do it behind your back.
why not try something different. try and direct him to tasteful porn and watch it with him, if you can. make it something that he'll want to do with you, not behind your back. don't get caught up with the women in the movies, how they look, etc. watch how they are enjoying themselves and soon, you'll be too.
just my thoughts. but tony, i gotta hand it to you, you really can understand the mind of a woman. god bless you.
I know exactly what you are going through, I am going through the exact same thing. The problem with most people is that they are not honest up front with what their real desires and fetishes are. I mean, at the very beginning they lie and tell you that they have no interest in that sort of thing and here you are thinking "finally, the one for me, that can focus all of their sexual desires on me," and then they go and show all of their true colors after you fall in love with them. If I were you, I would be very candid with my man about how much this hurts you. I would ask him if his fascination with seeing naked women is really worth the pain it is causing you. If you have a good, solid relationship, try to find a way to work through it.
Have you and your bf talking about the porn/dishonesty issue andworked anything out yet? You posted in the Getting Married section -- is the wedding still on? When?
I hope you are doing well and that this hurdle is fading behind you now.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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