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Hi Everyone-- Here's the deal, there is a guy that is 13 years older then me interested in me. I am 26 and he is 38, soon to be 39 in October. At first, I wasn't into him as I was convinced he was too old for me. Well, we play co-ed softball together and he has grown on me. I actually find myself having feelings for this man! He has 3 kids and is divorced but at this point in my life, all I care about is love. We really do click well together. So, here is my question... Is it a good idea to get more involved with him? I am afraid if I take the plunge, he'll steal my heart but it feels so good to be with him. I am all sorts of messed up right now so I figured some non-biased feedback would help. Thanks for any comments any of you might have.
Peace!
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on someone who walks in just when you get it right." ~Unknown
"Your vision will become clear,
Only when you look into your heart.
He who looks outside, dreams.
He who looks inside, awakens." ~Carl Jung
If he didn't have the three kids and an ex wife, I'd say go for it with all your heart. The age difference is immaterial but kids and an ex wife are very significant to consider in your decision.
How much time does he spend with his children? (They will always be more important to him than you if he's normal). Does he have custody of his kids? If not, how often does he get them? If he does, you will become an instant step mother and if the children are young, they will have difficulty accepting you. There will be significant discipline problems as well because they won't see you as their mother.
Does he make enough money to support his "other" family and you as well, if marriage became a consideration?
Do you want children? A man with three already and the expenses that go along with that may not be eager to have more. Love aside, let's be practical about this!
What kind of relationship does he have with his ex? Does she live nearby? Is she a bxtch who's could make your life miserable? Does she often ask him for money?
There is just so much information lacking in your post about this aspect of your guy it's impossible to answer your question. You may find that when you start writing some of the detail I've referred to above, you will make your own decision on this matter.
You need to put your feelings aside and evaluate the impact three children, even if they are already teenagers, will have on your life if you become part of this guy's life. And consider the ex too. And find out why he divorced. Don't fall for him until you get this information...not from him...but from observation.
Right now, while you are newly smitten, you may feel the kids will be no problem for you. But you need to take a cold shower and consider the reality of doing such in a sober state of mind. If you think you're up to it, go for it...but do it after you have carefully considered what you might be getting into.
Feelings for someone gained during interaction at softball games hardly serves as the basis for a longtime relationship. You have a lot to consider here. Ask the umpire for a time out while you give this some serious thought.
I would also tell you that if this guy's three children are NOT a very important priority to him, he's not a good father or marriage material either. If he doesn't spend much time with them, that may be why he is divorced.
You've got a lot of observing, investigating, and pondering to do before you make a move in this guy's direction. Glad you stopped by here before you made a great big mistake.
The age difference has no relevance here at all. At least that helps you with what you really wanted to know.
You said that at the point in your life, all you care about is love. Well, that's great, but there's a lot more to being successful in love than falling in love. The main thing is finding the RIGHT person to love.
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What, Me Worry?
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 24th September 2002 at 9:12 PM..
My ex bf and I had this thing. At first, it bothered me, then I realized that it was stupid and then the age difference didn't matter to me. But as time went on, I realized that there was a big difference between us. Not only we were on different "levels" he was having health issues that my PARENTS were having. And it freaked me out. He wanted to have kids, and I realized he was in no condition to try to keep up with kids...no matter how wonderful he is. Then I thought....when he's 50, I'll be 35...and I thought there was an age gap NOW!!! Plus, I found planning my boyfriend's 40th birthday party a little weird. But thats just me I guess.
When you are having dinner, and he has chest pains....then you'll realize what you are getting into...
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That's just what I think....
Ally
UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not.
I think the concerns Tony's pointed out are prolly more valid than a difference in ages, esp. when you've got a gap as small as yours. I've always dated older men and ended up marrying one 13 years older than me. Yes, we worry about health issues, but both his AND mine. And we've had our ups and downs over his previous marriages, but we've made it through those times. What I like best about him is that because of his experiences, he's got the maturity that someone my age doesn't. But that's just me. Every relationship is different, but I think it all boils down to it being a matter of trust.
Get to know the guy, and as you do, think about the stuff Tony's brought up. In the end, the kind of person he is is more important than the fact that he's older than you.
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Thank you so much for all of your feedback! It has really helped more then you will know. Tony, you made many, many good points. He got divorced because his wife cheated on him and left him while he was working hard to put a roof over their head and food on the table. He has full custody of his kids and they live with him full time. His ex-wife gets them every other weekend and some week nights. He is a great daddy and spends a lot of time with his kids and brings them to practices and games a lot of the time.
I do have a lot to think about and I will take all of your feedback into consideration. Right now, I am probably leaning more towards not getting involved. There are a couple other guys that I am talking to that are my age or a year or two younger then me. I guess it is just finding the right person, like Tony said. It is hard to find someone who is at the same stage in life as you. I guess the older man appealed to me because he was at the maturity level that I feel I need right now. I definitely have a lot of sorting out to do and thanks to you all for your help!!
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