i'm reading this book about co-dependency and i've found my fiance and myself all over the book. he is an enabler, resecuer and persecutor and maybe at times the victim. i am the victim and the persecutor, wow what a combo we are huh?

well it is obvious that together we are a perfect fit though i was not this way until about two years ago when i got really sick and could not work and he took things over completely and happily.

so now the question is how do i/we overcome this stuff? these books pretty much explain what and how you are but not really much help in how to overcome it.

it talks about filling your empty love tank from childhood but does not go into much detail about how to fill it now. there is only one short chapter on it and it is not much use.

any ideas on continuing books that may give better insight or some ideas on how this is accomplished and if it actually can work and is there really hope for us then? i tried to tell him about this but he just said i read too many books and believe too much crap that i hear/read on the internet, tho he did agree some to a point.

thank you so much in advance!

[Tony T]

Getting through tough codependency and dysfunctional family issues usually requires the help of a master psyhcotherapist and at minimum of a few years of time. There are many layers of anger and hurt that must be peeled away, layers you may not even be aware of now.

It's great that you have taken the bold steps to begin the healing process. It is an individual thing and you can't do it along with another person. You must heal yourself and yourself alone.

Count on very major changes in your relationship to occur as the healing process moves along. The dynamics that brought the two of you together will be removed as time goes on and there may eventually be no purpose in this particular union. Don't despair and don't hesitate from your journey to self-improvement because of that.

The greatest repository of books and tapes on dysfunctional families, adult children, and codependency are by a publisher in Deerfield Beach, Florida...Health Communications, Inc. You may find them by searching the Internet.

Some good authors on the subject are John Bradshaw, whose books: "Bradshaw On: The Family" and "Healing the Shame That Binds You", were bestsellers, Melody Beattie, and others.

Look for codependency support groups in your area. There are also many workshops on the subject held at local hospitals and universities. Keep an eye out for them. Numerous television programs on the subject may also be helpful. But there is no quick fix. Be prepared to dedicate yourself to a lot of hard work to make the changes necessary to shed yourself of the baggage you accumulated in your childhood of abuse, abandonment and neglect.

thank you tony, i am ready to do it, the trouble i have is finding the proof in my mind that it really existed, i guess it is called denial, but i'm searching anyway.

i'm prepared in all ways to see this through because i am so tired of the old me and my old ways that it is necessary to do something to break away from it all!

on the surface there does not seem to be too many layers but inside there has to be something! also, sometimes i feel like i'm just looking for what i could be denial about because on the surface things didnt seem really that bad but if they werent they why am i so bad off now?

i know there was alot of emotional neglect, no one wanting to listen to me, i talked too much, shut up, those kinds of things, but not physical abuse.

so in my mind i think if those are the worst of things i can find then why did i feel so bad? this is my journey to find out.

i will do a search on the net for these things as well and find as many books as i can on the subject and look for support groups as well.

thank you for your help, i didnt realize about the doing it alone thing, i thought my fiance and i could embark on this together like a spiritual thing, but guess that wont happen but i'm still going to do it anyway!

HAPPY EASTER!

Getting through tough codependency and dysfunctional family issues usually requires the help of a master psyhcotherapist and at minimum of a few years of time. There are many layers of anger and hurt that must be peeled away, layers you may not even be aware of now. It's great that you have taken the bold steps to begin the healing process. It is an individual thing and you can't do it along with another person. You must heal yourself and yourself alone. Count on very major changes in your relationship to occur as the healing process moves along. The dynamics that brought the two of you together will be removed as time goes on and there may eventually be no purpose in this particular union. Don't despair and don't hesitate from your journey to self-improvement because of that. The greatest repository of books and tapes on dysfunctional families, adult children, and codependency are by a publisher in Deerfield Beach, Florida...Health Communications, Inc. You may find them by searching the Internet. Some good authors on the subject are John Bradshaw, whose books: "Bradshaw On: The Family" and "Healing the Shame That Binds You", were bestsellers, Melody Beattie, and others. Look for codependency support groups in your area. There are also many workshops on the subject held at local hospitals and universities. Keep an eye out for them. Numerous television programs on the subject may also be helpful. But there is no quick fix. Be prepared to dedicate yourself to a lot of hard work to make the changes necessary to shed yourself of the baggage you accumulated in your childhood of abuse, abandonment and neglect.

[Tony T]

There is probably a lot from your childhood you have suppressed...put into your subconscious mind because you weren't able to deal with it. That's why I said there's a lot to peel away over a long period of time with the help of a highly skilled therapist.

Most people who come from dysfunctional backgrounds are either heavily in denial or just don't realize the crap that's packed back in their minds that causes them to be the way they are.

Lots of them develop panic attacks, phobias, chronic anger, and other anxiety disorders and are forced to get help. Only counsellors who are very skilled are able to do this kind of work with clients.

well that could explain my panic attacks, my OCD (sorta) and at times i feel anger coming from somewhere not sure where though.

the past few days i have been feeling very strange, as if things in my life are just happening and i am a part of them but not fighting them, if that makes sense.

i have also started on this estrogen patch and that seems to be making me feel weird. then i have made a decision to just stick this out with my fiance and that seems to of been an outlet for me, for me to use leaving him as an escape to not have to deal with feelings like what i am feeling now.

i think i need to see someone while doing this too, that is probably a good idea.

thanks for your help again, any other info you may come across i am hoping you would share with me? thanks so much!

There is probably a lot from your childhood you have suppressed...put into your subconscious mind because you weren't able to deal with it. That's why I said there's a lot to peel away over a long period of time with the help of a highly skilled therapist. Most people who come from dysfunctional backgrounds are either heavily in denial or just don't realize the crap that's packed back in their minds that causes them to be the way they are. Lots of them develop panic attacks, phobias, chronic anger, and other anxiety disorders and are forced to get help. Only counsellors who are very skilled are able to do this kind of work with clients.

I am a co-dependent but I have no idea why?

I am a teenager and I have always had many relationships with much older men. I don't get along with boys my own age because they are not as mature as I am. I love to do things with my boyfriend. I am devestated when he goes to the bar because I can't go. I am worried that he is attracted to other people and get jealous easily. He cheated on me and I wonder if this is the source of my co-dependency. I have a history of mental illness (OCD). Any advice?