My best friend (guy) hooked up with my girlfriend's best friend (girl) about a year ago and they've been a couple ever since. They have a great relationship, and actually moved in together last month to build on a great year. Me and my girlfriend are really happy for them, and it's been kind of cool having good friends to double date with. They seemed like the perfect couple.
Anyways, we got a letter from my friend (guy) a few days ago saying that he just got dumped because she found links to a porn site in his browser history. He admits that he watched it, and even admitted that it had happened once before and she busted him for it.
He said that she didn't forgive him this time, and that it's over. He's extremely heartbroken, and I feel horrible for him. He's really destroyed.
Problem is...my girlfriend thinks that he deserves what he got, and that she has every right to dump him for doing something so disgusting and deceitful. I agree that it's really lame that he did that, and that he even did it after being busted...but is this a fireable offence?
it's not the watching porn that was the firing offence, it was the going behind her back and lying about it a second time around. Just my 2p.
Yeah...we all agree that that's the real problem. He's agreed to go to councelling, and do whatever it takes...but she's not listening.
He's a wreck...I feel so bad for him. He knows he ****ed it all up, but now he can't even make it better. If he actually cheated, then I could see it...but this seems a bit much. She has every right to be pissed, but he's admitted his problem, and wants to get help. Should she give him another chance (knowing full well the next one is strike three)?
He should move on and find a girl who likes porn. His life will be much more pleasant.
There are a ton of porn threads on this forum and all of them are extremely lengthy and never lead to any real consensus. Feel free to peruse those if you want more info or need something to bore you to sleep.
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Yeah...we all agree that that's the real problem. He's agreed to go to councelling, and do whatever it takes...but she's not listening.
He's a wreck...I feel so bad for him. He knows he ****ed it all up, but now he can't even make it better. If he actually cheated, then I could see it...but this seems a bit much. She has every right to be pissed, but he's admitted his problem, and wants to get help. Should she give him another chance (knowing full well the next one is strike three)?
Well, if you look at it from her point if view, she already gave him a chance and he did what he did knowing what the consequences would be. He went against what she had asked for him and ignored her. The issue isn't about cheating, it's about boundaries. She laid her boundary out for him very clearly and he broke it. Sorry but I'm like your friend's girl, once that boundary is broken then you're getting into serious trust and respect territory. If I ask someone not to do something which hurts me, I expect that boundary to be paid attention to. Once that boundary is broken, that's a clear signal to me that the person is more than capable of breaking my boundaries and disrespecting me. For me, as soon as that happens, the love dies unfortunately. It can literally be that hurtful and it sounds to me that this is where she's at. Given a bit of time, it might change when she's cooled off... but bearing in mind she's already been here once with him, I wouldn't count on it.
Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with porn and a guy viewing it. But I know that some women do and when that is evident and the guy agrees a mutual boundary not to do it, it's not about the porn anymore, it's about respect. He let her down and she's going to find that hard to just let go for a second time.
He should move on and find a girl who likes porn. His life will be much more pleasant.
There are a ton of porn threads on this forum and all of them are extremely lengthy and never lead to any real consensus. Feel free to peruse those if you want more info or need something to bore you to sleep.
Well, the funny thing about that is that she likes porn, and they watch it together. She thinks that him watching porn on his own means he'll cheat.
Well, if you look at it from her point if view, she already gave him a chance and he did what he did knowing what the consequences would be. He went against what she had asked for him and ignored her. The issue isn't about cheating, it's about boundaries. She laid her boundary out for him very clearly and he broke it. Sorry but I'm like your friend's girl, once that boundary is broken then you're getting into serious trust and respect territory. If I ask someone not to do something which hurts me, I expect that boundary to be paid attention to. Once that boundary is broken, that's a clear signal to me that the person is more than capable of breaking my boundaries and disrespecting me. For me, as soon as that happens, the love dies unfortunately. It can literally be that hurtful and it sounds to me that this is where she's at. Given a bit of time, it might change when she's cooled off... but bearing in mind she's already been here once with him, I wouldn't count on it.
Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with porn and a guy viewing it. But I know that some women do and when that is evident and the guy agrees a mutual boundary not to do it, it's not about the porn anymore, it's about respect. He let her down and she's going to find that hard to just let go for a second time.
I hear you on that...she does have a really valid point, and he really messed up. It's just a shame to see a really good relationship die because of this.
For her it is a firing offense. She wanted to break up with him because she knew she couldn't be happy with a guy who watched porn and a guy who lied to her. Ya gotta do what makes you happy. Now she can go find a guy who doesn't do porn and doesn't lie.
Well, it turned out that she forgave him for it...and they then agreed to actually get a camera and make one.
So, he went out to go get one...and while he was out, she went through his computer and found out that he'd sort of hooked up with one of her closest friends a couple of months back through a series of letters. In the letters, he said that he wasn't into it, tried to stop her, but that she just kept at it. He really shut her down, but I guess they kind of groped each other really wasted at a party before he shut it down...but the girlfriend didn't know about it.
Needless to say, the porno didn't happen...and it's been a long week of him begging her to take him back, and him saying over and over again that she made all the moves, and he only caved partially once...when he was wasted.
The girls aren't friends anymore, and this new drama has totally erased the old one. Seems like watching porn isn't as bad as caving to the advances of a home-wreckin' friend.
I feel really bad for them...not a happy place.
But, she's thinking of forgiving him...she says she can't live without him.
Well, the funny thing about that is that she likes porn, and they watch it together. She thinks that him watching porn on his own means he'll cheat.
Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewithlove
he'd sort of hooked up with one of her closest friends a couple of months back through a series of letters. In the letters, he said that he wasn't into it, tried to stop her, but that she just kept at it. He really shut her down, but I guess they kind of groped each other really wasted at a party before he shut it down...but the girlfriend didn't know about it.
he only caved partially once
Seems like watching porn isn't as bad as caving to the advances of a home-wreckin' friend.
Guess she was right. His inability to respect her requests on the porn issue reflect his inability to remain 100% faithful. He didn't try hard enough to shut anything down. He should have stopped emailing with her as soon as he knew what she was up to - full stop, drop off the face of the earth. Lots of guys are good at just disappearing, why was it so hard for him? And he should not have put himself in a position to be groping anybody.
Last edited by norajane; 29th October 2008 at 8:33 PM..
For her it is a firing offense. She wanted to break up with him because she knew she couldn't be happy with a guy who watched porn and a guy who lied to her. Ya gotta do what makes you happy. Now she can go find a guy who doesn't do porn and doesn't lie.
But she herself watches porn and in fact, the OP stated they watch it together. It's only when he watches it without her that she gets upset which is just means insecurity to me. That's got to be the most flawed logic ever.
I don't see watching porn as being a big deal. My guy watches it, my ex husband used to watch it.... Sometimes we watch it togther- sometimes seperately. Many, many men watch porrn yet still remain faithful well rounded individuals.
The groping incident is a seperate issues. I'd be gone so fast if I found that out. If he was prone to cheating- he was going to do it regardless of porn. It's not inspiration to cheat 100% of the time- it's a release.
The groping crossed the line- that would be my deal breaker.
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