I've been having this problem for quite a while and any advice would be great!

There's this guy at a lab (we're in grad school) I've been friends with for almost 2 years. We hung out quite alot with one other person for the first 8 months that he was here and developed a pretty good friendship. Problems started surfacing when one other girl in the lab started developing an interest in him (despite having a boyfriend of her own), and later on, he in her. He stopped being the friend that he had been and we started spending less time hanging out with each other. It did not help that that girl saw me as a threat (I'm female).

To cut a long story short, they dated but it didn't last long because she decided to go back to her ex-bf, and for the last 8 months, this guy has been a mess, drinking everyday, and being mean to everyone around him. I've tried to stand by him all this time, but it's been difficult. He hasn't returned the friendship that I've always offered him but I'm unable to leave him during his time of need. At times, he would seek me out, but at others, he would push me and others around him away.

Recently, that same girl has once again "broken up" with that same boyfriend and has immediately started flirting with this guy. He seems happy because of the prospect of getting back with this girl, but once again my friendship with him has to take a back seat, if for no other reason, because this girl behaves like she owns all of his time.

It hurts me alot that our friendship has degenerated to this state. We exchange pleasantries when we see each other, but little else. I have spoken to him about this several times but he seems incapable of keeping his relationship and our friendship separate. I don't know what to do .. should I give up on him? If so, how should I go about interacting with him since we see each other at work/school everyday. It seems so pointless to have once been good friends and then merely exchange pleasantries but nothing more these days. HELP!

[Tony T]

Give up on him. Been there many times...got the Tee Shirt...the certificate...the Ph.D...,etc.

You don't need a friend who will drop you like a hot potato each time he goes after a romantic interest. Yes, you have to expect there to be some interruption of the normal friendship activity but not a total cutoff.

You have no good reason to remain friends with this guy knowing that he will forsake his friendship with you in a heartbeat if romance comes along.

Your post also implies that you have a bit more of a feeling for this guy than just friendship. If you didn't have some feelings for him, it wouldn't hurt you as bad as it does when he neglects the friendship. That's not good for you either because he only uses you in between other interests. You don't need to put yourself through that. Be nice to yourself.

You didn't say so in your post but I'd bet a million dollars that he's told you little things to give you hope and to preserve the friendship even though he has significantly reduced the energy he puts into it. He's a germ!

Dump this friendshxt, not friendship, in the sewer immediately. It's simply not fair to your friends who are there for you no matter what to be supportive of a rotten butthole who has no concept of true friendship and who is only a situational friend when he has to fill a void in his life.

You will be sad for a short while but you will feel powerful at the same time and you'll be proud that you took control of your life and let go of the extra weight. Life is way too short to carry around this kind of unpleasant baggage.

And stop caring about what this guy does with his life. He obviously could care less about what you do with yours.

I've been friends with females who did the identical thing to me...IDENTICAL...and they are the vermin of humanity. Friendship with them never thrives because they cut it on and off as it suits them. That's NOT friendship.

He stinks...and real bad. I can smell him from here. Get rid of him and tell him I told you to do so. Stop being there for him every time he bounces away from some chick. DUH!!!

I get the sense that you're extremely attached and dedicated to this guy, while he sees you in a more casual light. It seems that maybe he enjoys your company and likes being around you, but when push comes to shove, his ex is his priority. It's normal in any friendship for the significant other to take priority and for the friend to take the backseat. If you feel like he's taking you for granted, though, or not respecting you, then maybe it's tiime to invest more of your time & energy & love in other friends. It's not your job to be the quiet hero, rescuing him from his misery. You have your own life too.

thanks tony. i guess it's something i needed to hear. i've always been trying to be the better person in all of this, but yes, it's time i put myself before him.

i guess the difficulty is in the fact that over the first 8 months when our friendship was going really well, i started to develop more than friendly feelings for him. but i never did anything because he was with someone else.

anyway, thanks again for the advice. i sit back and let him initiate the interactions these days. if he doesn't say or ask after me, i don't talk to him either. it's sad that the friendship has ended up like that, but my life shouldn't be put on hold for someone who doesn't appreciate me in the same manner.