[Sheebah]

As I place my head down in the sand, I write hoping for some advice and not judgement. As stated in the title, I have been married for 2yrs and 3 months. The first few wks of my marriage, I received anonymous (who I later found out was my husbands ex wife) letters from someone who said that she were sleeping with my new husband. She said that he would eventually leave me and that my new husband couldnt stay away from her because she was a great screw unlike myself from what she heard from my new husband. The ltrs continued for at least a month. No return address and the ltr was typed.

My husband at first said that he didnt know who it was and later thought it could be his ex. A month later he secretly meets up with her twice in a restaurant. They had a very bad breakup and alot of things were never discussed so supposedly my husband returns to discuss. If it was so innocent why wasn't I alerted to this? Anyways, I later found out that they never got closure. And, I later found out that his divorce really wasn't 3 yrs before we married. During the time that we were dating... He was still married and his divorce finalized just 8 months before we married. Hope all of this isn't confusing but its all true.

So, 3 months after we married my husband supposedly snuck back to his old condo to visit his ex and to confront her about the ltrs. This all leads to sex. After this he starts hanging out with the boys more (so he said...), no more church on sunday for him and he stops picking up the phone when he is out. He and I start arguing and he starts drinking more and does things and says things to me yet he supposedly doesnt remember the next day. Arguing becomes unbearable. He starts accusing me of cheating, etc. From what I heard, this is what cheaters usually do... So, we decided we would go to counseling...

Things got better and I thought we were working on things. I got preggo a yr later. He was a prince until my 7th month... Suddenly, everything I did was wrong. My emotions were high so I cried all of the time... Then thats when he said it... He said that he didnt really like being with me and he preferred to be somewhere else... A week later he went out around 7pm and didnt return until the next day around 1pm. Obviously, he was with someone but he says that he went to a club and it was open all night. "Yeah, OK". So, at 7 months preggo I asked him to leave.

Its been almost a yr a he hasn't returned but in the last 3 months wants to come home. I found out that during the time we lived together he slept with his ex wife and 2 others and then during our separation he moved in with his ex and tried to rekindle during my pregnancy. His ex told him to go back home to me because she is a family oriented indivdual... Lol! So, she kicks him out. I do not know where he is living to this day and he drives a car that he will not allow me to see.

I have accidentally opened the curtain and seen him drive by in this lexus jeep and he'll lie and say it wasnt him. OK, it wasn't an accident... I sensed something wasn't right so I peeked through the curtains and saw him... Since, I have moved I have seen the same car parked in my neighborhood. He again lies. I have even seen him get into the jeep. He says its a womans jeep but she is a friend of a friend... Yeah, OK. I am currently working. I can't afforrd childcare at the moment so my husband watches our child during the day and leaves when I return.

I found out that my husband has taken my child to see his ex who lives just 10 minutes away from me. I was told that she lives in another state. I am so consumed with all of this mess that I cannot think straight. I have had bad thoughts about hurting him. Not killing him but hurting him. His ex has even sent me an emails telling me that my marriage is a fantasy. That the two will forever see each other no matter what and that I should tend to my kids... I have built up in me an anger that I cannot describe... I started working out again to release it. Pls, just give me advice.

I know divorce is the answer its just I need him for abit. He gambled away our savings so I have nothing at the moment. And, yes his name is off of the acct. I need him to watch our child until I can save up. It hurts to see him daily and to know how he betrayed me, treated me like crap and still continues to lie to me but wants to work things out. BTW, he I later founf out he was cheating while we were counseling... He has subscribed to dating websites and his profiles states that he is divorced...I feel like such a fool.

Such a fool... I know life goes on but man this hurts. Life always get the best revenge, I know this but its just doesn't appear that all this bothers him like it hurt me. He hasn't a clue regarding my hurt. Although he wants to come back, I cannot let him. I don't trust him and I have so much anger inside! Gotta buy a treadmill! Lol! I feel as if my marriage was a lie. My mind is consumed with questions... The more I ask the more I hurt... Yet I want to know.

[LostHusband]

That sounds awful - he sounds worse. I know it hurts now, it always does even in a bad marriage when the other leaves. But you'll soon look back in disbelief at how you are feeling now. Instead you will be relieved to be out of the relationship and feel alive and happy once more. Get out now - he's not worth it!

[Konfuzion]

I didn't read the entire letter but it sounds like its time to kick his ass to the curb, if you do want to stay with him this will probably have him come running back to you with his tail between his legs.

Here is a great book on this very subject Love Must be Tough I would highly recommend it.

[Sheebah]

Have any of you divorced? Have you been cheated on? Am I the only one that feels like you want to get revenge but then you know its not worth it? Gotta think about my children. The only thing I did was smack him a few times and I have yelled at him for months. I feel like a broken record. I am tired and I feel so hurt. I feel like a sick joked has been played on me. I recall my husband telling me when I was preggo... "If you think I am sneaky... Just wait! You haven't seen anything yet!" He then cheated with 3 others after that yet tells me that I am the best and most loyal woman he has been with. His ex wife cheated with her ex in their marriage and in their bed. Thats why the divorced. My husband walked away and never returned......Until he marriead me. I feel like I was a rebound.

[Sheebah]

LH-Thanks, for your response. Konfuzion-I will check out the book. Will go on Amazon. Thanks.

[Konfuzion]

Originally Posted by Sheebah

Have any of you divorced?

Yes

Originally Posted by Sheebah

Have you been cheated on?

Yes

Originally Posted by Sheebah

Am I the only one that feels like you want to get revenge but then you know its not worth it?

No

Originally Posted by Sheebah

The only thing I did was smack him a few times and I have yelled at him for months. I feel like a broken record. I am tired and I feel so hurt. I feel like a sick joked has been played on me.

Get that book and you will see where your reaction isnt going to help you in this situation.

Originally Posted by Sheebah

I recall my husband telling me when I was preggo... "If you think I am sneaky... Just wait! You haven't seen anything yet!" He then cheated with 3 others after that yet tells me that I am the best and most loyal woman he has been with. His ex wife cheated with her ex in their marriage and in their bed. Thats why the divorced. My husband walked away and never returned......Until he marriead me. I feel like I was a rebound.

Thats crappy, I would recommend just let things be for right now dont mention the cheating and live your day to day life. Get that book and make sure he doesnt see it, then read it asap and follow what it tells you to do in your situation. If you want to repair things it will help you or if you just want to be strong and move on it will help you. I am sorry you have to go through all of this. Best of luck to you and your children.

[Sheebah]

Thanks, K. I will order the book on Monday from Amazon. Hopefully, there is a section regarding the thought pattern of those who have been cheated on. I am consumed with it. I have so many questions for him and may never get the truth. I don't understand how you can still love your wife but cheat? I at times have thought about my husband with the others and can see everything visually. It just makes me sick. I desire to have a clear mind.

[Konfuzion]

Originally Posted by Sheebah

Thanks, K. I will order the book on Monday from Amazon. Hopefully, there is a section regarding the thought pattern of those who have been cheated on. I am consumed with it. I have so many questions for him and may never get the truth. I don't understand how you can still love your wife but cheat? I at times have thought about my husband with the others and can see everything visually. It just makes me sick. I desire to have a clear mind.

For many men the pursuit of a woman and the accomplishment of being with them sexually is an ego boost and in general that's the thought pattern, crappy as it may be. And yes a man can love a woman and have sex with another woman. Unfortunately for you only time will heal the wounds that you have. I can relate to visualizing your partner with another person and boy does that suck. The best advice I can give on this is to just realize that it is only your ego that is hurting, meaning your ego feels hurt because of a sense of not being good enough, or how could he do this to me, shes not better than me and so on. Put aside your feelings of self doubt and it will ease some of the pain. I hope this is helpful its hard for me to put the ego part of this into words.

Oh and the book covers tons of stuff on cheating and the thoughts/reasoning behind it.

[Sheebah]

Thats what he told me. He said that he has been with so many women that its not such much the individual but the ability to conquer. That is what turns him on... Uggh! After the first time he cheated... I will never understand that... He says that they all meant nothing. But shouldn't I see it as him willing to sacrifice our marriage for them especially his ex? When we were intimate, I kept thinking... Is this what he did to them. I could not finish... I know that I am attractive and have alot to offer. This e

[Konfuzion]

Originally Posted by Sheebah

Thats what he told me. He said that he has been with so many women that its not such much the individual but the ability to conquer. That is what turns him on... Uggh! After the first time he cheated... I will never understand that... He says that they all meant nothing. But shouldn't I see it as him willing to sacrifice our marriage for them especially his ex? When we were intimate, I kept thinking... Is this what he did to them. I could not finish... I know that I am attractive and have alot to offer. This e

Its time for some tough love. Again best of luck to you. When you look to order that book I always go for the used ones, I got my copy for $2.95.

[Baltimore Scorpio]

I have been in the same situation that you are in. My husband was out of my household for 20 months. During that time I still seemed to be taking care of him, he still used his access to the bank account and everytime I turned around he wanted to "borrow" something. The whole time he was living with the same women I kicked him out the house for messing with. You hang in there with him because despite what your head says your heart still has feeling for him and you keep trying to see the silver lining around those dark clouds, the whole time those thoughts of betrayal keep slipping back in to let you know not to fall for the same thing twice. I should be taking my own advice, my husband has returned but we are on a new leaf, where he knows that same bull that went on in the past will no longer occur and I have taken total control. In your situation get a divorce, or wait till he is worth something and use those letters to get a nice alimony settlement with your divorce. Don't keep putting yourself through the same hurt. Always know that the same way you got him you can get another man and show him that, never make yourself available to him again. Let see what he passed on and let him have all the regrets no you. Never feel that your marriage was a lie, it was probably done ill informed but live from the experience and let it build you and make you aware. Don't take any of that regret of frustration into the next relationship. And most of all remember that Karma always catches you might not be soon but it will get you later, so he will get his just desert. He is hanging around so much to exploit the feelings that he knows you still have so he can find an opening and try to reclaim what he lost. You never miss a good thing until it's gone. Good Luck

[2sure]

Revenge. I totally get it. But you cant dish it out because you have a child with this man.

You seem to know that you have no future with him. You have goals. Your child will help you keep focused on these goals.

Believe me, he will get his. He will run out of women. He has nothing to offer. Don't fell like you are competing with OW, because thats not the problem here.

[cashley]

This is almost exactly what i have just somehow lived through and escaped.

Get away, and reclaim your sanity and wellbeing, and life.

Time flies, life is too short for this. You deserve better. Go find it.

Im trying to cope, 5 months after leaving, and life is stress free, plus I have a second chance.

Goodluck, it hurts but do it anyway!

[dazedandconfused2008]

I just left a cheater. Been with him for almost 17 years. Have five kids with him and another on the way even. It took me so long to realize that no matter what i do or say....I WONT and CANT change someone. I can only change myself and find my own happiness. Yes it is hard. So hard. But its harder to stay and hope for the best because you know what? The best never comes. Take care of yourself and your child FIRST. HE has to WANT to change and do the work in doing so. He has problems that he has to deal with. Its a sick way to live playing these games. He will never be happy until he deals with them and gets help. Take care of yourself. Is it worth staying around for and what is your child going to see from all this?

[dazedandconfused2008]

As for the revenge thing. It doesnt make you feel any better. Maybe for like five seconds and dont turn into someone your not. You will come out stronger and with more dignity in the end. Something that he doesnt have. Maybe never will.