I appreciate this community a lot and have been here for 3 years, but had to start a new account for this.
Situation: My spouse (commonlaw) and I have been together for a little over 4 years. We have a son together and own our house.
The other day, she was driving me to work when she asked me if I was happy. I said yes, scared of where this was going. Truthfully, what my 'yes' meant was...not completely, but not unhappy enough to end our relationship. Anyways, during this drive, she told she wasn't happy. Hasn't been for a while. This shouldn't come as a surprise as it has come up in the past, but I thought things had gotten better. She said she is worried because it feels more like we are friends than a couple. In the past, she would always say that she never found other guys attractive...like ever. I never believed that, as I personally don't think there is anything wrong with finding other people attractive as long as that's as far as it gets. Anyways, she said that has changed now...she is now noticing other guys as being attractive. Like I said, that wouldn't normally bother me, but the fact that she never used to feel that, and now she does...it worries me.
Anyways, she dropped me off at work, I talked to the manager, and got on a bus back home. There was no way I could work after that.
As we have all read 1000 times before...she feels she has lost who she is, doesn't think I am the outgoing, fun person that I used to be (which I agree is true and wish it wasn't), no affection, and she thinks it might be over.
After a talk, I basically took the side of "so it's over, let's come up with a plan as to what is going to happen now." Party because that's how it was feeling, and partly to play a little hardball and make her realize that if she doesn't want to put an effort into fixing it, then there's no point wasting time...make your move. I said I would look for an apartment, she said no...I could stay at the house as she has family in town and I do not.
We talked about when she would be moving out and how next's week schedule would work with our son. This was really upsetting. I don't really want this. I don't want to lose her. I love her. I don't want my son to have a broken family.
Anyways, the next day, I didn't go into work again...so we were home most of the day together. We didn't say too much to each other for a while. We would talk, and would have fun with our son together, but the topic didn't really come up untill I finally asked, "are you sure there isn't anything in you that wants to try and make this work?" Her response was that she needed the day to think about it.
Later in the day, we were talking more, and were able to smile still, but no touching, no "relationship talk"...just random conversation and playing with child. At one point, it seemed really relaxed and good, and since I have been thinking about it all day, I asked if I could give her a hug. She thought about it, and admitted that she had been thinking all day, but declined, saying it is too easy to just fall back into things as if nothing is wrong. Said she just wants the weekend to think and what not. She works this weekend and has a family function, so I'll only see her on and off.
I am not pressuring her as much as it takes for me to restraing from bringing it up or wanting to just tell her I love her. She isn't afraid to smile, doesn't seem overly upset, but she is keeping her distance.
I can understand where she is coming from, and agree on the issues she has. I too, want a more fun and outgoing relationship, I want to be closer and more affectionate...I really do. But I think I need help myself. Too often, when I come home from work, I am tired, I play with our child, but I don't pay too much attention to her. She has often brought up the fact that we don't talk much or have conversation with each other..but that's usually right after work and I am tired and really don't want to talk about work...I hate my job.
Anyways, it's just weird because things seemed okay lately. Not perfect...but okay. We'd meet for lunch when I was at work, or go out together, and had fun doing it. But she's right that I haven't been as affectionate as I need to be for quite some time.
I have a hard time getting negatives out of my head lately, so it puts me in a negative frame of mind. Sometimes she might say something as a joke, but because of my negativity, I don't take it as a joke and ignore it or take offense to it. Then I guess she feels she can't have fun with me.
I work full time, and I am finishing my degree right now so I am very busy, and there's not a lot of extra time.
Anyways, I really want to fix these things and fix our relationship, but I need her to want that too...and right now I don't think it would be smart to bring it up. She seems like she just needs her time.
As for me, I am trying to smile a lot, be helpful, and play with my son. It's itching me like crazy to bring it up, but I don't think it's smart.
Tonight, her family is having a supper. She said I could come if I want still, but asked if I could come home with our son so she could stay and visit with family. I am declining the supper invite I think.
She also called on her way to work today and said her mom said I could come over today while wife is at work if I get bored. I'm not sure about that one, maybe my son and I will go for a visit for a bit. I'm not sure what these invites mean.
So the situation is not hostile by any means, but she feels like this has come up too many times, and nothing has changed, so she is feeling as though she is not in love anymore and doesn't think it can be fixed. On the other hand, she has spent the last 2 nights here (albeit with me on couch) and has still invited me to family functions...seems more of a courtesy thing and her wanting me to be there.
Anyways, am I doing things right? Any advice? Should I just keep my mouth shut? It feels a little weird giving her space when intimicy and affection is a big part of the problem.
I should also mention that the last time we had a big troubles surface, we had looked into counsellors and got some names and numbers, but never actually went. I guess we just kinda rushed back into things, felt good for a while, and the same old issues resurfaced because we never dealt with them properly in the first place.
I am completely open to counselling, or anything that will help. I am just afraid to bring that up to her right now as I don't want to pressure her or make her rush anything. I'm just trying to give her space.
Please check out the Marriage Builders website. They have great advice for people who have hit a marriage "blah" zone. Also the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. It will help each of you understand what the other needs emotionally.
I'm all for having happiness and enjoyment in life and in one's relationship, BUT.......if one person's temporary "blah" feeling can break up a home without either partner making serious efforts to fix it, then no child is safe!
I don't see anything here that sounds unfixable. You just have to have some courage, faith and also the good info from the book and website above.
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
I also think her continuously putting off giving you a decision, stinks of someone really not knowing where her mind is right now....It's a bit unfair to keep you dangling, but she's torn between becoming independent, which is frankly scary, or staying with you in the security of familiar same-old, same-old....
So Counselling - if you could suggest it - may be a good idea.
However, I think you need to reassure her (and you yourself will have to face) that Counselling isn't necessarily about keeping you together. It's about a meeting of minds and finding yourselves on the same page. Even if you both turn it, and discover you're about to start different chapters.
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
Please check out the Marriage Builders website. They have great advice for people who have hit a marriage "blah" zone. Also the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. It will help each of you understand what the other needs emotionally.
I'm all for having happiness and enjoyment in life and in one's relationship, BUT.......if one person's temporary "blah" feeling can break up a home without either partner making serious efforts to fix it, then no child is safe!
I don't see anything here that sounds unfixable. You just have to have some courage, faith and also the good info from the book and website above.
Yep! Yep! Yep and yep.
__________________
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
Unfortunately not. I think that would do wonders, but with work, school, and child...it's just not possible right at this moment. Maybe after Christmas.
But right now, that is not something she would be interested in doing. It's past that point.
I went to her family's place for a bit with our son while she was at work and had a good time. When she got there, she decided to take our son home for a nap as he needed one. I had to run an errand, and she told me I could take her car. "Her" car. Not "the" car like it used to be. Granted, it is her car...she owned if before we met, but it was always considered our car. Maybe I'm reading to much into that.
Anyways, we're both home right now, son is sleeping. We've exchanged a few words, but nothing much.
I still don't know if I should go back for supper or not.
This sucks so much. I hate the fact that a few days ago, I could have a good hug, tell her I love her, and see her smile...and now we can hardly even make eye contact. We're in the same bloody room, and can't even hold a conversation.
Her step dad today asked me how things were going with us. I said I had no idea. He said he hopes things work out. Me too. But it's so frustrating being so helpless. What was supposed to be a nice weekend with the family has turned into the worst weekend of my life. She seems so cold to me.
I wouldn't.
If she asks you why you didn't go, ask her if she knows what a square peg in a round hole, feels like....
Hehe. The thing is though, her family is cool and is expecting me there for supper. So who knows. If I go, everything will be normal except her and me.
Hehe. The thing is though, her family is cool and is expecting me there for supper. So who knows. If I go, everything will be normal except her and me.
Tough situation. How about spiritual guidance - church activities that support couples?
In which case, you'll be able to cut the atmosphere with a knife, and nobody will be normal.
It's the way it goes.
You know that really, don't you....?
Make your excuses to her family and apologise. Explain to them that ....."really, with the current frame of things, you would not be good company, and it would hurt you like dah-dah to be there. 'Sides, you'd hate to be part of an atmosphere, so thanks so much guys, but you'll withdraw from this one."
There'll be other times when the crud has settled.
As it will.
I might have just done something bad...or maybe it was needed...I don't know.
But she was just sitting there occupied with something and I decided to just quietly say "you know, I still really love you. This is very hard."
She sighed, and said she can't talk right now...but then did a little. She said she is just not emotionally "there"...I guess not feeling anything towards me right now. Earlier, she got some fancy shoes out, so I figured that she must be going out somewhere tonight, and a call from her cousin pretty much confirmed that. So, I worked up the gall to ask her if she was seeing someone. She said no, she's not ready for that.
When she said she didn't know if she could ever get the feelings back, I asked if she would be at all interested in seeing a counsellor with me. She didn't really answer, and just said she needs some time to figure out if there is anything there. She said we've been together pretty much since it all went down (which is true because I didn't go to work for 2 days) so she hasn't had a chance to figure anything out. She said it seems like everything has just gone back to normal. I said not for me, this is not what I want normal to be. I told her the only reason I brought this up was so she knew that me just kind of giving her space wasn't because I didn't care about what was happening, but because I just wanted to try and give her space. That's pretty much when I made my decision that I am not going to supper.
Anyways, she just left to go back to her moms to get ready for the supper...she asked me to wake our son up if he's not up shortly here. I said "do you want me to drop him off for supper?" She said "aren't you coming?" I said, "well...no."
She said "yeah, I guess so. But my family doesn't mind, they won't be weird."
I said "yeah I know, you're family is good to me...but it's not your family that...you know."
So anyways, I'll have to drop my son off there for supper, say hello, and then likely duck out and pick him up again later.
My question is...if she needs this time away from me, why hasn't she just moved to her moms already? Why is she still staying here? Why is she inviting me for supper? Yesterday, she did a bunch of laundry and I was helping her fold it all. She put all my stuff in one basket, hers in another. I was expecting that she was just going to take her basket and go to her moms. But to my surprise, she took it and put it all away in our dresser.
Now given, her mom does have company this weekend, so maybe she's waiting until the chaos settles there before she moves there.
But man, I was hoping this, like other fights, would pass in a day or two and we'd make up. But that is certainly not the case this time. Over the past day, in my mind...we were still together but she was on the brink of leaving and trying to make up her mind. But it now seems that in her mind, we are already broken up, and her thinking is just making sure this is what she really wants.
I guess I should just move on as best I can at this point. At this point, it seems like about a 5% chance that it works out, whereas the other day I would have guessed about 60%.
I guess my biggest worry is that...she admitted that she now finds other guys attractive, she considers us officially done at this point, says she is emotionally checked out, and plans to go out on the town. It would kill me to know she was considering herself "back on the market" and was acting single again when she goes out...but I guess nothing is stopping her from doing that. Afterall, she owes nothing to me anymore.
Sighhhh. I guess I'll go get my son and take him over to the inlaws.
How many days should I sit back and wonder before I bring this up again? Should I wait for her to bring it up? I worry if I wait too long, I'll be left in limbo while she will have moved right on knowing her answer.
Thanks again for reading and replying people. Sorry my posts are so long.
Tough situation. How about spiritual guidance - church activities that support couples?
Neither of us were brought up religiously. There's no a chance in you know where that she would go to church activities regardless of their purpose.
Like I said before, at this point, she is not interested in getting help. In her mind, the time for help has past and she sees our relationship and done, and not fixable.
Man...one chance. That's all we ever need right? One more chance after it's too late.
Why can we never come to the realizations on the fly? Why can I always find my flaws after it's too late and not while it's happening?
I have a feeling I might stick around for supper now. What's the point in dropping my son off, coming home to feel sorry for myself for an hour, and then going back and getting him? Might as well just suck it up and stick it out.
I am going to try and not pay a single bit of attention to her though. I'll talk to her family and everyone else. But I'll keep communication with her to "about our son" only.
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