I wrote this letter to my x. i didnt send yet. wanted feedback first. We have been broken up for two months and i need him back. my goal is to try and sound as less needy as possible. I call him "Paul" and our daughter "abby":
Ok so here it is as best as I know how to put all of this Paul. So I wanted to "talk" to you. I just figured since there has been a good cooling off period that it would be good to speak about some things. Not necessarily about Abby, but about you and I. To be honest, I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking to convey but as I have said before, it just seems like life is moving very fast. Fast for you, for me and even Abby.
I have really been in a good place lately. Life is ok and I am happy. I realize the less contact I have will you, the less I even think about you in terms of the past, present and future...This should be a clear indication for me to keep moving and never look back especially taking into consideration all of the damage that has been done.
I guess this all came about when I received court papers the other day to figure out things with the baby. I didn't expect for me to get so upset about it being I was the one who filed in the first place but looking at the papers in black and white was very sad for me. It's almost like everything flashed before my eyes and I couldn't get this knot out of my stomach. Not sure if it was pain for the baby or maybe even myself.
You have made it clear that you are seeing someone else although I don't know your intentions nor is it my business. I have also made it clear to you that I was seeing someone else. Deep down hidden inside somewhere, it makes me sick to think of what you have done still. We have been there though. I have expressed the hate and anger I had towards you for running in and out of my life so many times and for so many years. So shameful. Loving and then leaving me, and in the process trying to diminish me with hate-filled talk. Always running to another women even when I was pregnant and after talking about a future with me after she was born. You have always been scared to face your demons and reality. You have always run to someone else trying to hide behind them because maybe its easier then the responsibility of a different kind of life if you would have if you stood by me and stood up to your actions. You run and find a fix for the moment and then reality always seems to come and bite you in the ass. Why you think that's NOT going to happen this time around is just silly. I don't have to be a psychiatrists to figure this out, you out. I know you Paul. I have seen every side to you there is. I know you better than anyone in this world besides your family. You are always going to hit a wall in life because you have never once faced YOURSELF, by yourself. You couldn't even wait a month before you jumped into something. Its just sad.. I don't want to get anymore into that though. We both know who's done what.
I know I can be happy with many different people Paul. I know that no matter how everything unfolds - I will have a good life. Looking at those papers made me dig up the subject of you and I though. I replay over and over why it didn't work, why it cant work, why I would even want it to work? I only go over this because of Abby Paul and because I think about her well being. When I reevaluated all of these things I was very lost. I do know why it didn't work. It didn't work because you didn't want it to. Because you weren't ready for it to. Because you were very selfish. Because you never forgave me for having a child you weren't ready for. Because I was very vulnerable as a new mother and needy amongst other things. In my head and heart I believe it was never a matter of feeling, connection, bond or anything like that. The ingredients have always been there but we never knew how to mix them the right way.
Paul I don't know how I feel anymore. I don't know if I would ever be able to trust you as a person or get over what you did. I don't even know if I would be able to tell my family or friends that I even consider the thought of you and I. Hell, I have no idea how YOU even feel. But I do know this. Again, Time is going. I have moved and will keep moving. I will be happy. But I tell you this, that point of no return is coming sooner than I thought. And that's scary. Scary for the baby and scary to think if something "could" have been its going to be lost. A part of me maybe feels that we should both slow down our relationships with other people and maybe entertain the thought of us because of our history, because of the good and bad we have shared, because of our journey and because of our child. I know if that's not something you even consider, than I will continue on and open my heart more. I can do that Paul but I need some insight into your head.
To be honest with you, I think writing letters of this length, with all this emotion and feeling fly over most men's heads. It is my first instinct to write a letter - it helps me capture what my thoughts are on a situation. Hell, I'm an English major, and when I write a letter, I sit and craft, craft, tweak until I have a "masterpiece" that will miraculously change everything around once I hit send, right?
Wrong.
It truly does a disservice to send a letter like that. I know how you feel. I do. But please don't send it. Either shorten it very, very much, or find another way to deal with your feelings/thoughts. He will not appreciate what you're saying here, if he takes the time to read it at all.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I have done this before, with someone I loved so much, and I didn't think I was being needy; I thought I was being honest and giving him his freedom while letting him know where I stood.
I never heard from him, and when he called me several weeks later, he said that it caused him to disconnect.
If there's any hope at all, you could kill it by sending a letter.
To be honest with you, I think writing letters of this length, with all this emotion and feeling fly over most men's heads. It is my first instinct to write a letter - it helps me capture what my thoughts are on a situation. Hell, I'm an English major, and when I write a letter, I sit and craft, craft, tweak until I have a "masterpiece" that will miraculously change everything around once I hit send, right?
Wrong.
It truly does a disservice to send a letter like that. I know how you feel. I do. But please don't send it. Either shorten it very, very much, or find another way to deal with your feelings/thoughts. He will not appreciate what you're saying here, if he takes the time to read it at all.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I have done this before, with someone I loved so much, and I didn't think I was being needy; I thought I was being honest and giving him his freedom while letting him know where I stood.
I never heard from him, and when he called me several weeks later, he said that it caused him to disconnect.
If there's any hope at all, you could kill it by sending a letter.
im actually laughing. i know, i know - its loooong..But i have so much to let out. I havent reached out to him in a while. Today we spoke over the computer and made plans to speak on Sunday after i told him i wanted to discuss some things. Usually he says "there is nothing to speak about" but this time he wants to. I was actually just going to hand this to him while he was at my house and say "this is what im feeling". or maybe i should just blow it off. Tell him i decited theres nothing to speak about..Hmm, i dont know how to handle this one.
Just take the letter with you, then. Say you put your thoughts down so you would remember. Maybe refer to it while you have your talk. If he knows you have it, see if he asks you for it. If he doesn't, touch on the points while you're in person, and don't give it to him.
This letter is too long and very confusing. Here are a few things I found problematic about this letter:
1)A long letter will not get through to him, he will put it down without finishing it, because he will draw his own conclusions about it just be looking at the length.
2)You're telling us here on loveshack you want him back, but the beginning of the letter makes it sound like you're happy without him. So already, you're showing one side of your emotions to US and another side to HIM.
3)You're letter accuses him of things hes done badly - for instance not taking time to himself. Do you really think accusing him of things right now is putting you in a good light? I suspect your ex would get annoyed with the letter, see it as petty and stop reading. Would you want to listen to insults if you could avoid it? Also, in making that accusation, you're telling him to take time to himself - if thats the case, then he would need to step away from not only his current woman, but YOU as well, to give himself alone time. Thats not what you're after, right?
4)You put in an ultimatum, sort of. You tell him time is running out, eventually you'll get over him. You want to slow things down in your relationships... give you and him another shot. I don't think he wants that right now, if he did he'd be telling you. You already know the choice he'd make with that ultimatum in mind, especially since you've just accused him of all these things hes done wrong.
5)You mention how you saw the papers regarding your child and felt hurt, for your child's sake. You want to work things out for your child. Maybe in the letter, include HOW working things out would benefit your child? By simply saying things about how its for your child, but not really elaborating... it kind of sounds like you're using your kid as leverage, but not really like... seriously establishing how your child is hurting.
Ummm thats all I've got for now, but don't send this letter. It's good to get it all out, but don't send it. Okay? It won't help.
I am not trying to be cruel here, I care about everyone on this site. All of us here have had our hardships, and I'm sure none of us would wish more pain on anyone else here. I am being blunt because you need to try your best to step outside your emotions right now and look at the situation objectively.
Your ex is with another woman. She is new, fresh, exciting. Will they work out? I personally doubt it, but you never know. HOWEVER, for NOW they ARE WORKING OUT, not in the future, but right now they are. He will most likely not leave a happy relationship. What he has with you is probably very emotionally tiring right now, and he needs to retreat from it. Is it the best choice on his end? Maybe not. But right now, you need to let go.
This is something YOU need to do for your child I think. Let yourself be happy. Find beauty in the world, and teach your child to see that beauty. If you are always sad and heartbroken, your child will grow up in that environment.
I wish the best for you. I'm sorry if I sound rude, but its because I want you to be strong like I believe you can be.
This letter is too long and very confusing. Here are a few things I found problematic about this letter:
1)A long letter will not get through to him, he will put it down without finishing it, because he will draw his own conclusions about it just be looking at the length.
2)You're telling us here on loveshack you want him back, but the beginning of the letter makes it sound like you're happy without him. So already, you're showing one side of your emotions to US and another side to HIM. I didnt want to sound needy or that i cant go on without him.
3)You're letter accuses him of things hes done badly - for instance not taking time to himself. Do you really think accusing him of things right now is putting you in a good light? I suspect your ex would get annoyed with the letter, see it as petty and stop reading. Would you want to listen to insults if you could avoid it? Also, in making that accusation, you're telling him to take time to himself - if thats the case, then he would need to step away from not only his current woman, but YOU as well, to give himself alone time. Thats not what you're after, right? You're right. making him feel bad isnt such a great idea. and Yes, i do want him to be byhimself and seeing me here and there with NO1 else in the pic.
4)You put in an ultimatum, sort of. You tell him time is running out, eventually you'll get over him. You want to slow things down in your relationships... give you and him another shot. I don't think he wants that right now, if he did he'd be telling you. You already know the choice he'd make with that ultimatum in mind, especially since you've just accused him of all these things hes done wrong. I have stayed away from him and it seems like he has been hinting around the idea of him and I. I know how he is though and getting him to share any emotions is next to impossible so i figured i would jump start it.
5)You mention how you saw the papers regarding your child and felt hurt, for your child's sake. You want to work things out for your child. Maybe in the letter, include HOW working things out would benefit your child? By simply saying things about how its for your child, but not really elaborating... it kind of sounds like you're using your kid as leverage, but not really like... seriously establishing how your child is hurting. Point taken. She is a baby though so doesnt really know whats going on. Shes not hurting but in the future could. But i get what you're saying
Ummm thats all I've got for now, but don't send this letter. It's good to get it all out, but don't send it. Okay? It won't help.
I am not trying to be cruel here, I care about everyone on this site. All of us here have had our hardships, and I'm sure none of us would wish more pain on anyone else here. I am being blunt because you need to try your best to step outside your emotions right now and look at the situation objectively.
Your ex is with another woman. She is new, fresh, exciting. Will they work out? I personally doubt it, but you never know. HOWEVER, for NOW they ARE WORKING OUT, not in the future, but right now they are. He will most likely not leave a happy relationship. What he has with you is probably very emotionally tiring right now, and he needs to retreat from it. Is it the best choice on his end? Maybe not. But right now, you need to let go.
This is something YOU need to do for your child I think. Let yourself be happy. Find beauty in the world, and teach your child to see that beauty. If you are always sad and heartbroken, your child will grow up in that environment.
I wish the best for you. I'm sorry if I sound rude, but its because I want you to be strong like I believe you can be.
Thanks for the advice. I think i will still speak with him but get rid of the letter
To be honest with you, I think writing letters of this length, with all this emotion and feeling fly over most men's heads. It is my first instinct to write a letter - it helps me capture what my thoughts are on a situation. Hell, I'm an English major, and when I write a letter, I sit and craft, craft, tweak until I have a "masterpiece" that will miraculously change everything around once I hit send, right?
Wrong.
It truly does a disservice to send a letter like that. I know how you feel. I do. But please don't send it. Either shorten it very, very much, or find another way to deal with your feelings/thoughts. He will not appreciate what you're saying here, if he takes the time to read it at all.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I have done this before, with someone I loved so much, and I didn't think I was being needy; I thought I was being honest and giving him his freedom while letting him know where I stood.
I never heard from him, and when he called me several weeks later, he said that it caused him to disconnect.
If there's any hope at all, you could kill it by sending a letter.
Well, I was just planning to post a letter to my ex, but I still felt it unnecessary for my ex to share my feeling or my current standing, if I were she, I would feel annoying reading such a long letter (about 3 pages), since it has nothing to do with her any more. What you've suggested here strengthens my decision not to send the letter, just keep the letter, and keep the tiny little maybe last chance between us as well.
Thanks for the advice. I think i will still speak with him but get rid of the letter
Good call, talking to him invites a dialogue, not a rant-style letter. It sounds to me like you're getting stronger and stronger each day I see you on LS, so I'm sure when the time comes, you'll have an idea of what to say and do to make yourself feel satisfied.
Talking to him is better and that is if he also wants to.
Keep the letter to yourself instead. A letter, no matter how long and well thought out will not be enough. You will always want to say something to him. Let's say you sent the letter but you realize that there's another things you want to say to him, so you send him another letter?
Talking to him is the best way but you gotta be clear that he also wants to talk.
So he just picked up the baby and will be bringing her back later on. When he does, I think im gonna mention if we are still on for speaking tomorrow...I'm not even sure what to say to him. Its like i need to figure out if thinks there a chance first before putting myself out there. I couldnt stand to be rejected. I'm assuming he knows that the talk is about "him and I" and if he didnt see anything, he wouldnt even bother speaking to me - right???? I just dont want to come off as needy. I mean, he is the one who should be BEGGING for ME back after the **** he put me through. I need to come across and still have a lil bit of my pride. It kills me that he is with another women. He thinks i am seeing someone esle, but I'm not. The thought of this girl around my child in the future makes me want to throw up!
Thats it. Straight and to the point. He will either take the statement and run with it, try and work it out with you... or he wont. Either way, you can never say you didnt try.
Stating it this way leaves no room for misunderstandings. There is no finger pointing about who did what, or where it went wrong, all of that shouldnt matter to you, you two should just be trying to make it right, and leave the past in the past.
Simply stating that you miss him doesnt make you appear needy, just honest.
__________________ I want so badly to believe that there is truth that love is real. And I want life in every word, to the extent that its absurd...
Just let him go. OK why are you having a baby with this guy, did you try to manipulate him into marrying you? Didn't work, did it?
Now you're trying to use the baby to manipulate him back.
He's a loser for not wanting to raise his child in a happy together home; you don't want him.
Make sure you're getting your child support from him and move on.
The way you keep stating "Paul" over and over again in the letter is really annoying, too.
Legally, this guy only owes you child support, and you said he put you through hell, so just let him go. He clearly doesn't love you. You can raise your child without being with this guy who treated you like c**p, you even stated that. Your child is most important, get your happiness from your child, not this lowlife loser Paul. I mean THIS GUY CHEATED ON YOU WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT. DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS LOWLIFE LOSER? IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT, I WOULD SEE IF YOU COULD TERMINATE HIS FATHERING RIGHTS AND DO IT YOURSELF, WITHOUT PAUL IN THE PICTURE AT ALL. YOU DON'T WANT THIS GUY AS A PARENT FOR YOUR CHILD.
Last edited by pretty professional; 11th October 2008 at 6:33 PM..
I don't know about you, but sometimes it's best to do what your heart tells you. If you have anything to say, anything you need to say...then say it!
I think you shouldnt blame him or call him selfish etc. That may only anger him. Dont point any finger.
However, if you feel you want to send the letter, then do it.
The worst that could happen would be this- He tells you he is not interested in continuing the relationship with you. Well, at least you know you did all you possibly could, you will be left with no 'what if's'...and you can make up you mind to move on and never look back.
He may not reply...well if he doesnt, then take it as a NO...and the above will apply.
I am not aware of your history with this Ex...I know nothing at all about it. I have no idea why you broke up etc.
However, sometimes I don't believe in all these rules. Every situation is different.
However, please bear in mind that I don't think this man is any good for you. I don't think he can give you the type of happiness you desire/need in the long term...but IF you want to send the letter, If you decide that you want to try one more time, then do it. Send it!...(albeit with a few editions).
You EX is NOT some kind of god. If he hurt you, there is no reason, why you should not be entitiled to express your feelings. He started dating someone a month after you, of course you would be upset!!
Please do what you genuinely want....and do not be allow US to make a decision for you. None of us on here know you.
A few years ago, I broke up with one Ex of mine, because I heard he was cheating. He denied this. Everyone on LS would have adviced him to go NC ( as he was hurting)...However, ONE of the reasons why we never got back was because he didnt fight for me. He went NC and I thought to myself...' he never even fought for me'....Well, he didnt contact me after I ended the relationship (probably because he got advice from his friends not to) and I didnt contact him of course...
..Morale of the story- You need to handle different issues, different ways. Everyone has a unique problem they are going through, you can't just apply blanket rules...eve though MOST of the times, NC IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO...OTHER TIMES, IT IS NOT.
Summary- A) I genuinely think this guy is no good for you. You are the mother of his child, and if he decides he would rather move on with someone else, well so be it. You need to let go. Nothing you do can make him come back, UNLESS he wants to. In addition, even IF he came back,do you think (considering his past behaviour towards you) that you will live happily ever after? NO. You would probably go through the same break up AGAIN.
B)If however, you want to send the letter as a last resort...even if just to see where it leads..then do it! Do all you can (albeit within reasonable limits) to let him know that if he returns to you now, then reconciliation is possible. (No ultimatums though).
I wish you well.
Bear in mind that I know a lot of people who were in the same position as you. These women went on to marry other men. Thus,the fact that you have a child for him does NOT mean that you must marry him. (Assume for a moment , you didnt have child with him)...would you categorise him as the man for you? (Well, from your relationship history,I doubt it).
Don't allow the fact that you have a child with you, cloud your judgement.
You deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you. Someone who will never ever think of leaving you, WHILST you are pregnant. This guy is no good...but If you do want to send the letter, then do so.
Goodluck and keep posting.
xxxxx
Last edited by ninjaturtles; 11th October 2008 at 7:40 PM..
well thanks for all the feedback but there is a lot more to this...I will try to answer some of the questions. He never cheated on me. Never. We have been on and off for 6 or 7 years. The last time we broke up, he moved on quick. We didn't speak for 7 months and then there he was calling me and missing me. I starting seeing him again. Nothing serious though. Never resolved any old issues. More of a casual thing. He wasn't my "BF". 3 months into that is when I got pregnant. He told me straight out he wasn't emotionally ready to Handel a child and all the other BS. he wasn't around during my pregnancy and I heard he got involved with someone else yet again. its his way of dealing with issues cause he cant face himself. He came back before the baby was born. moved back to his parent which were closer to me and cried, begged and was there for the birth and after...I do love him with or without the child. we have something very special. I wasn't to think he loves me but he keeps coming back and forth. I don't want to loose him. I think we can have such a great life together with our daughter if he works on himself and grows...I know I should let it be, but I want to give it one last go before I truly turn my back. I am a good person, independent, and as far as my appearance - I am attractive. well I like to think I am at least
If he is always going back and forth, and he runs off to other women when you're pregnant, he isn't in love with you. Words mean nothing, actions mean everything.
You're young and attractive, ditch this loser! I was serious about seeing if he'd go for signing off parental rights (if you can afford not having the child support.)
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
