I want to make my marriage work. I had an affair, it was wrong and stupid - I love my husband. It has been very hard getting to this stage but I do want us to work. We start MC next week and I have started IC (and it is very much balanced towards making my marriage work).
The problem is I work with the ex-OM. I am looking for another job but in the meantime, getting the boundaries right at work is difficult. Today involved going out for lunch with several others - whereas before we would have sat next to each other, I avoided that. Afterwards some of us had a drink together. By this stage I had already sent my H a text to come and pick me up - he knew I was at this meeting and the ex-OM was there.
To avoid a potentially embarrassing silence, I asked the ex-OM if he had his children staying this weekend - a personal subject but I thought a "safe" one. He chatted about that and then asked what I was doing. I just said I would be doing housework tomorrow to which he commented something along the line "but not in THAT dress". Basically it was a come on.
How do I get the boundaries right? I am trying to be professional and not make it difficult for my H or colleagues but then ex-OM does this (whilst when confronted acts as if he has done nothing wrong). I have told my H about this and he is understandably hurt. I don't want to have to lie to my H to protect his feelings. I must be honest with him throughout this if we are to recover but the ex-OM keeps stirring things up like this. How do I make him stop when he he denies he is doing this when ever I confront him? How do I reassure my H that I want our marriage? How do I stop the ex-OM interfering in my life?
Either brush off the comment and ignore it completely...pretend you didn't hear... or come back with something that lets him know your priorities are definitely elsewhere...
"oh yes, in this dress... my husband loves it!" and laugh.
Whilst it's important to maintain a professional relationship and attitude WITHIN the confines of your work premises, nothing states that at any other time or place, you need to continue this.
__________________
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To avoid a potentially embarrassing silence, I asked the ex-OM if he had his children staying this weekend
OK, WHO cares about embarressing silences! Honestly, if you or the OM are uncomfortable, you deal with it by staying silent. Having ANY kind of conversation with him was the wrong choice...You made small chat.
ONLY speak to him about work related issues. NO personal talk. NONE. Not, hello, hi, how are you, nice day out there, goodbye, have a good weekend..NOTHING. BUSINESS, that is it.
You have NO control over what the OM does, says or thinks. All you can control is HOW YOU react to it. And the best way is to IGNORE and NOT worry one bit how it comes off to him, to your co-workers. That's just something you have to put up with.
If you really want to re-assure your husband, (I said this before) go to your Dr, get a note on go on stress leave.
You allow him to interfer IN your life by talking to him about nonsense stuff. HE does NOT care one bit what it does to you. He has nothing to lose..
To avoid a potentially embarrassing silence, I asked the ex-OM if he had his children staying this weekend - a personal subject but I thought a "safe" one. He chatted about that and then asked what I was doing. I just said I would be doing housework tomorrow to which he commented something along the line "but not in THAT dress". Basically it was a come on.
And there's your reason NEVER to have ANY personal dicussion with him because HE WILL find an angle to come back and say something, hense the dress comment. Again, he doesn't care what the affect it has on you or your marriage.
For starters, is it a good idea to start an affair, much less at work? Continue to keep it professional with the ex-OM and minimize contact. Finish any lingering business or professional transactions you may have with OM and then move forward with your Husband.
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Fill a life with your love and take good care of it. Let it grow and cherish it.
Anne, I really don't understand why you're having such a hard time figuring out what boundries to put up in reguards to the exOM. You've been told many times how you should handle this, but it seems, you're doing what's easiest for you. WHO cares if the $$ flow changes in the next few months. Somehow you and your H should be able to deal with that until you get another job. THOUSANDS of people survive on one income, and somehow they manage OK.
Anne, I really don't understand why you're having such a hard time figuring out what boundries to put up in reguards to the exOM. You've been told many times how you should handle this, but it seems, you're doing what's easiest for you. WHO cares if the $$ flow changes in the next few months. Somehow you and your H should be able to deal with that until you get another job. THOUSANDS of people survive on one income, and somehow they manage OK.
Sure - lose over half our annual income, then face rising interest rates on the mortgage (already paying £200 more a month than August), rising petrol costs, rising electricity and gas costs, rising cost of basic foods such as bread and rice..... my H and I earn good salaries and even we cannot afford to live on one salary AND keep our house - it would be a repossession job. Just a little thing going on in the economic climate at the moment which is making life that bit harder financially.....
I have to work. Simple as that. So all I am trying to do is keep the balance at work right so my marriage can work. How do I make the ex-OM stop when he denies he is doing anything. It ****** me off that he keeps doing this even though I have confronted him on this several times now. He will flirt etc until I tell him to stop and then he denies he has ever done anything.
NO CONVERSATION WITH OM THAT IS NOT 100% WORK RELATED!!!!!!!!
Anything less just doesn't cut it.
Let those embarassing silences go on...they're GOOD. The more uncomfortable the two of you are together...the better!!!!
Being comfortable with him sets the stage for flirtation and resuming the affair...as you've seen.
This isn't a situation that requires you to have ANYTHING personal to do with him.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
I suppose I thought I could deal with all in some kind of "grown up" way and be able to handle the contact we have at work. But I am wrong on this and do need to take a harder line. I want my marriage so this is the only approach.
Sure - lose over half our annual income, then face rising interest rates on the mortgage (already paying £200 more a month than August), rising petrol costs, rising electricity and gas costs, rising cost of basic foods such as bread and rice..... my H and I earn good salaries and even we cannot afford to live on one salary AND keep our house - it would be a repossession job. Just a little thing going on in the economic climate at the moment which is making life that bit harder financially.....
Have you considered sitting down with your Husband and working out a budget? I can see how hard it could be.
I have to work. Simple as that. So all I am trying to do is keep the balance at work right so my marriage can work. How do I make the ex-OM stop when he denies he is doing anything. It ****** me off that he keeps doing this even though I have confronted him on this several times now. He will flirt etc until I tell him to stop and then he denies he has ever done anything.
IGNORE HIM. ANY type of reaction gives him pleasure. If you ignore, he'll eventually stop. Stop confronting him about it! SILENCE is golden!
Quote:
Originally Posted by anne1707
I suppose I thought I could deal with all in some kind of "grown up" way and be able to handle the contact we have at work. But I am wrong on this and do need to take a harder line. I want my marriage so this is the only approach.
When people are hurting and ego's get in the way, adults and maturity has nothing to do with it, as you've seen firsthand.
Quote:
Sure - lose over half our annual income, then face rising interest rates on the mortgage (already paying £200 more a month than August), rising petrol costs, rising electricity and gas costs, rising cost of basic foods such as bread and rice..... my H and I earn good salaries and even we cannot afford to live on one salary AND keep our house - it would be a repossession job. Just a little thing going on in the economic climate at the moment which is making life that bit harder financially.....
Again, talk to your DR and get a note explaining that you need to go on stress leave. Your HR department can put you on short term disability. You are stressed and the longer you stay at this job working with exOM, the more the stress will be there.
Bottomline, and I KNOW you know this - You cannot BE around the exOM anymore, especially in a work environment. It's obvious neither of you can handle it.
PLEASE consider going on STD (Short term Disability, not the other meaning of STD). TALK To your husband about this. Most company's pay up to 80% of your pay. Thoughts??
Again, talk to your DR and get a note explaining that you need to go on stress leave. Your HR department can put you on short term disability. You are stressed and the longer you stay at this job working with exOM, the more the stress will be there.
Bottomline, and I KNOW you know this - You cannot BE around the exOM anymore, especially in a work environment. It's obvious neither of you can handle it.
PLEASE consider going on STD (Short term Disability, not the other meaning of STD). TALK To your husband about this. Most company's pay up to 80% of your pay. Thoughts??
My company is small and does not have an HR department. I am in a very senior role in the company and being off with stress would get known in other companies I could possibly work for - not good for getting another job.
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