Quick background: My son is 24 and has 2 kids- 4 years, and 6 months- my grandchildren.
For a year my wife and I have been uneasy about his wife's boss.
A week ago she (I'll call her Mary) said she wasn't happy and they split up. I told my son of our concern about her boss. He said he too had been concerned in the past but that he felt it wasn't a current issue.
So I met with Mary's mother, with whom she now lives. She reluctantly told me that Mary is in love with her boss and is trying to sort through it.
I didn't know what to do but yesterday I told my son about what Mary's mother told me. He drove to talk with Mary at work and she told him not to worry- her mother was confusing a months-old, Resolved issue with the present- and No she isn't in love with the boss.
He came home feeling releaved. I warned him to take a closer look and he said, "Dad, you keep bringing this up and its making me feel bad", and, "If I find out it is another man its over for good".
I called Mary's mom again and told her what Mary told my son and she said, "This is a current issue- we talk about it every day".
So. What do I do? Tell him of my 2nd, confirming call to Mary's mother or let it go?
I feel my son is trying to reconcile based on the (wrong) facts and as such will just be spinning his wheels. He is on the wrong playing field hoping to make progress while Mary is playing a completely different game.
I want to tell him of my confirming call to Mary's mother but don't want to if it isn't the right thing to do.
this has the potential to blow up in y'alls faces, simply because your son will be upset at you for trying to paint his wife in a bad life or for being right about her. Right now, he doesn't want any one or any thing to burst his bubble of hope.
that said, maybe it's time to have an intervention of sorts, where Mary and her mom meet with you and your son and the topic of her ongoing affair is addressed. I imagine she'll do her best to lie because she's a cake-eater, so you are going to need proof of the affair. However, it's not a fool-proof plan, especially when your son is in denial about his wife's cheating.
Quick background: My son is 24 and has 2 kids- 4 years, and 6 months- my grandchildren.
Let's look at the bigger picture here. How long has she known her boss? Are both or any of her children your biological grandchildren? How sure are you about it? As sure as your son about her wife's current state of the affair?
Is the boss married? If so, his wife needs to know.
There is NO way of a reconciliation if his wife have any contact with the boss. Translation, she need to quit her job and never see or talk to the boss again.
Oh yes. Arrange a family lunch.
But I doubt much will get eaten, or anyone will have much of an appetite.
However, this really is better aired and sorted out.
I know you're torn, but you know, if it was me, I'd want this all out in the open.
Then, when they start deciding what to do with their marriage - let them get on wih it.
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
IF, and that's a big IF, you are to go to anyone with the information you have - it should be straight to your daughter in law. it should be done IN FRONT of her Mother (since she is the one who told you).
not as a question of whether or not she's cheating - but as a statement that is common knowledge - acknowledging the affair and ask what her intentions are from this point forward... that way you'll allow her to understand that you know about the affair (without her need to be defensive) and you'll know how to proceed with your Son.
Quick background: My son is 24 and has 2 kids- 4 years, and 6 months- my grandchildren.
For a year my wife and I have been uneasy about his wife's boss.
A week ago she (I'll call her Mary) said she wasn't happy and they split up. I told my son of our concern about her boss. He said he too had been concerned in the past but that he felt it wasn't a current issue.
So I met with Mary's mother, with whom she now lives. She reluctantly told me that Mary is in love with her boss and is trying to sort through it.
I didn't know what to do but yesterday I told my son about what Mary's mother told me. He drove to talk with Mary at work and she told him not to worry- her mother was confusing a months-old, Resolved issue with the present- and No she isn't in love with the boss.
He came home feeling releaved. I warned him to take a closer look and he said, "Dad, you keep bringing this up and its making me feel bad", and, "If I find out it is another man its over for good".
I called Mary's mom again and told her what Mary told my son and she said, "This is a current issue- we talk about it every day".
So. What do I do? Tell him of my 2nd, confirming call to Mary's mother or let it go?
YES!!! He needs to know what is going on.
Quote:
I feel my son is trying to reconcile based on the (wrong) facts and as such will just be spinning his wheels.
this has the potential to blow up in y'alls faces, simply because your son will be upset at you for trying to paint his wife in a bad life or for being right about her.
He wouldn't be painting her in a bad light(her own actions will do that).
All he would be telling his son is what his wife's mother said.
The best advice I can give is to stay out of it....completely.
Do what you can for your son, but stay out of his relationships. You're setting yourself up....
Look at it this way, he finds out she's cheating and you were right all along....he'll be resentful towards you for being right.
I disagree. I wasn't resentful of the people that told me, nor of my parents when they agreed with my friends. I basically had to tell them all, "you were right all along". I was thankful to have people like that watching my back.
Quote:
He finds out she's not cheating, he'll be resentful towards you for being wrong...
Nothing was really said about cheating. Just that his wife's mother knew she was in love with her boss. Even the son suspected it.
All they have to do is tell him what his wife's mother said. Its all on her.
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He's an adult....he has to deal with these kind of issues on his own.
While his wife gets to deal with it with her own mother. Great for him to be alone in it all, when she is being counseled by her mother.
he needs his family to be strong for him right now and not be afraid of what he might think later.
But as I said, all they would be doing is telling him what her mother said.
Your son is in denial. You've done your duties as his parent/person of integrity by bringing his attention to it the first time. Anything further will be considered an infringement on his life.
Also, while he might be in denial, if he's got any kind of smarts, his emotional radar should be on full. It will hit the fan, sooner or later. Keep in mind that with two small children, he might be in denial for a reason. To force his hand might be detrimental to the children and his access to them.
Your son is in denial. You've done your duties as his parent/person of integrity by bringing his attention to it the first time. Anything further will be considered an infringement on his life.
Also, while he might be in denial, if he's got any kind of smarts, his emotional radar should be on full. It will hit the fan, sooner or later. Keep in mind that with two small children, he might be in denial for a reason. To force his hand might be detrimental to the children and his access to them.
Back off.
As the son of parents that tried to tell me, I'm grateful to them that the didn't "back off".
Can you imagine what would happen if you didn't tell then, years down the road - wasted years of your son's life - she cheats on him either with this boss or with someone else, and your son then finds out, through conversation with his mom-in-law, that she told you about the boss all those years ago - information that you chose to withhold? If it were me and MY dad withheld info pertinent to my making an informed choice about staying with a cheating spouse, I would be MAJORLY PO'd and wouldn't know if I would ever be able to trust my dad again to have my best interest at heart.
Tell your son the truth. Also...send him over to look at the marriagebuilders.com website, to look at their free stuff.
Have him read up on plan A, and plan B. The lovebank, lovebusters, etc... Do a google search on all of these along with the key word: infidelity.
He needs to start an immediate plan A.
Your son deserves the truth, and NEEDS to know the full truth so he knows what actions to take from there.
I'm not sure why you'd even consider NOT telling him.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
Tell your son you called her mother to make sure you weren't spreading rumors. Tell him what she said.
Then tell him how much you love him, that you will support him and that you will from this point on stay OUT of his business unless he asks for your help.
Then call him once a day, invite him to things that you are both interested in it, and be his dad. If you continue to bring up something he has already told you he doesn't want to hear, you will be the target of his miss-aimed anger.
You are a great dad. We can tell how much you love your son. Cheer him up, be his friend, just be there for him.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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