My 12 year relationship was just legally undone. We have been separated for 2 years. We tried marriage counseling and the like. He was a mental abuser and a controller....no physical abuse.
I am in a very good place now. I have forgiven him (it took the whole 2 years to get there) and he still harbors some anger toward me for officially ending it. I want to be friends...at the least just check in every once and a while to see how he's doing. I can't bury 12 years and not feel anything. I am dating and so is he (although he has decided to date someone who previously enabled a very bad habit he had) and now he says he doesn't want to speak with me because it is too painful. I understand but should I lose all hope of communication?
There ARE reasons people of your past and present are not part of your furture.
You did the best that you could, and you gave all you had and knew to give at the time ~ and now? Now its time to let him and "IT" go, and to move on and forward with you Life!
Being emotionallhy abusive can hurt jist as much as being physically abusive. Not to me, I can take anything someone throws at me. I've been through the mud, the blood and the beer not to mention having been drugged the ****!
But the bottom line is? Its time to let go!
What was ~ was! What is? Is! And what will be will By God ~ BE!
So his Happy-Azz has someone new and different? So be it!
All that means is that he wasn't worthy of YOU!
Just that plain and simple!
What I really want to know is where in the Hell did you ever get it into your brain housing group that this piece of crap is the best you've ever deserved? Better to be alone than to be with someone like him!
One thing for sure and certain! You can't go wrong by yourself!
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
Being friends is always a good thing as long as he doesn't try the mental abuse etc.. in your friendship. You can still care about the person, but don't ever have to agree with his choices. Like this girl he is dating that seems to have brought out some old skeletens. Dont let him drag you down. Its good that your dating and moving on in your life. Keep that going. NO REGRETS. We cant change the past. Good luck and all the best.
My 12 year relationship was just legally undone. We have been separated for 2 years. We tried marriage counseling and the like. He was a mental abuser and a controller....no physical abuse.
I am in a very good place now. I have forgiven him (it took the whole 2 years to get there) and he still harbors some anger toward me for officially ending it. I want to be friends...at the least just check in every once and a while to see how he's doing. I can't bury 12 years and not feel anything. I am dating and so is he (although he has decided to date someone who previously enabled a very bad habit he had) and now he says he doesn't want to speak with me because it is too painful. I understand but should I lose all hope of communication?
Any relationship can only work if both sides perceive that they are getting something from it that makes it work for them. So you stepped out of the relationship, but now you "want to be friends." You are looking to get something from a continued, downgraded relationship, whether it fulfills a need, or soothes your guilt, or whatever.
He, on the other hand, is communicating clearly that he doesn't want any contact with you - it sounds like he doesn't perceive that he gets anything from a continued relationship with you.
I can't think of a less blunt way to put it, but is there some part of that which you don't understand? Look within yourself, and contemplate honestly: what do you get from a continued relationship "as friends" with him? Do you expect him to perceive that he would get anything from it?
__________________ All that is now, All that is gone, All that's to come, and everything under the sun is in tune...
Last edited by Trimmer; 10th October 2008 at 4:57 AM..
My 12 year relationship was just legally undone. We have been separated for 2 years. We tried marriage counseling and the like. He was a mental abuser and a controller....no physical abuse.
.....he still harbors some anger toward me for officially ending it. I want to be friends........I can't bury 12 years and not feel anything. I am dating..... .....he says he doesn't want to speak with me because it is too painful. I understand but should I lose all hope of communication?
You divorced him.
He was a mental abuser.
You've moved on.
So has he, though he's very angry with you.
What bit of this are you not getting....?
Why would you want to even look at a guy who abused you in this way, made you miserable and whom you divorced?
if he's angry, why would you want to now start making amends?
I'm sorry, I'm not getting the logic of this, honey.
You are in a new relationship.
I presume it's so far, better than your married one.
Stop with the "keeping in touch for old time's sake."
Why - ?!
Move on, let it go, put it behind you, shut the door and start walking.
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
I was in a similar situation. Married almost 11 years to an alcoholic/emotional terrorist. My divorce has been final almost a year now. We have no children, no real ties to each other. We maintained contact initially out of habit I think, be it a BAD habit. He has recently started calling/texting me again. I don't respond. We weren't friends in our marriage, why should I befriend him NOW?
Like the others have said; look and see what it is you want from him as a friend.
Do you have many friends, is there something missing in your life that even though your relationship wasn't a good one, there was something he fulfilled for you?
My stbxw of 26yrs also said I was controlling, I'm learning maybe we were both controlling but I am learning we depended on each other for things we shouldn't have.
At first I was hoping to be "friends" afterwards but that was because there were things I needed from her. Now I'm working on "me", learning what I need to make me a complete person & I feel once I do that then those feelings of having to be "friends" will go away.
Sure I might be the one that pushed her away but at the same time she was the one doing the walking.
If he is seeing someone that wasn't good for him before, it won't take him long to get back into that bad routine. Old habits are hard to break specially when they are fun ones & make you feel good. Like the others have said; you don't want to get pulled into his miss. That might be part of why you want to be friends, you are trying to "help" him & it is something he has to do on his own.
__________________ If you can't be happy with yourself, you won't be able to show and share that happiness to others.
My 12 year relationship was just legally undone. We have been separated for 2 years. We tried marriage counseling and the like. He was a mental abuser and a controller....no physical abuse.
Can you give some examples of his mental abuse and control issues?
There ARE reasons people of your past and present are not part of your furture.
You did the best that you could, and you gave all you had and knew to give at the time ~ and now? Now its time to let him and "IT" go, and to move on and forward with you Life!
Being emotionallhy abusive can hurt jist as much as being physically abusive. Not to me, I can take anything someone throws at me. I've been through the mud, the blood and the beer not to mention having been drugged the ****!
But the bottom line is? Its time to let go!
What was ~ was! What is? Is! And what will be will By God ~ BE!
So his Happy-Azz has someone new and different? So be it!
All that means is that he wasn't worthy of YOU!
Just that plain and simple!
What I really want to know is where in the Hell did you ever get it into your brain housing group that this piece of crap is the best you've ever deserved? Better to be alone than to be with someone like him!
One thing for sure and certain! You can't go wrong by yourself!
What Gunny said. I guess Marines aren't so bad afterall - seriously, much respect for the Corps.
For the original poster:
I can imagine being married for 12 years takes a lot from you. Its time to be on your own, find yourself and create a new you. Grieve. Cry. Let it out but pick yourself up off the deck and take a step. It might be hard and you might fall but do it again, take a second step. And you fall again. Get up dust yourself off and take more steps.
With enough motivation and effort you will be closer and closer to your destination.
__________________
Fill a life with your love and take good care of it. Let it grow and cherish it.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Divorce just Finalized...now what?
- seriously, much respect for the Corps.
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