Where to start, eh? It's just about 3 years since I found out my XW was having an affair with her old HS boyfriend. So, what's life been like.
Initially, I lost 35 lbs froman already lean fit body, in two months. And, I don't think I slept more than a couple hours a night for a year or so.
I lost my house ,as I could not pay the mortgage and child support too. I see my 3 young daughters 1 night a week after years of telling them stories each night before sleep.
I sleep on the pullout sofa of a friend's townhome as I cannot afford my own place yet. The divorce cost me 50,000. I pay 2300 a month in child support.
I almost and still may lose my job, a job I've held for 15 years, because my performance slipped badly during the worst of this.
I've lost any confidence I ever had with women. I question my competence, my attractiveness, my sanity. I cry at television commercials.
My kids really love me, and that is good. I was a good father and still try to be. I never beat the **** out of the OM. He played daddy to my girls for about 2 years until their relationship died. I pretty much sucked it up, and let it go.
But, i don't think I will ever be quite right again. But, maybe I will. This infidelity stuff is quite painful. I don't think as clearly as I once did. I'm pretty pissed about the unfairness of it, too.
Iread the stuff on the OM/OW forum and it simply amazes me. It's a game to these folks; "Will you Take him back if he divorces?"; "Does My MM Still Have Sex With His Wife?" Absurd issues like this intrigue them. It's like they are in a soap opera. They care nothing about hurting others. I can't even see these unevolved folks as real people. It's like their dialogues are from some stupid show like Desperate Housewives or Sex in the City. I could not imagine myself, as an adult, focusing on the puerile stuff they do.
the first part of your post reminds me so much of my first ex..
I never cheated on him.. eventhough he thinks I did.. when I left him, he went on a deep depression.. he was an average guy.. he lost 65 lbs.. he was so weak he was shaking all the time.. couldn't write, so he was off work for over a year.. (social worker)...
I felt sooo sorry for him.. but there was nothing I could do.. when people gets into deep depression or get heart broken.. NOBODY except themselves can do anything.. they can go in counselling.. get some support from friends or family.. but the ex is totally helpless... nothing she can do.
Every body is living a different saga.. for you it's a heart break.. for others it's an amazing love story with someone else's partner..
That's life... We can't live anyone else's life. You got to look after yourself.. no one else will do it for you.
Time heals..
__________________ "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet" - Mae West
Where to start, eh? It's just about 3 years since I found out my XW was having an affair with her old HS boyfriend. So, what's life been like.
Initially, I lost 35 lbs froman already lean fit body, in two months. And, I don't think I slept more than a couple hours a night for a year or so.
I lost my house ,as I could not pay the mortgage and child support too. I see my 3 young daughters 1 night a week after years of telling them stories each night before sleep.
I sleep on the pullout sofa of a friend's townhome as I cannot afford my own place yet. The divorce cost me 50,000. I pay 2300 a month in child support.
I almost and still may lose my job, a job I've held for 15 years, because my performance slipped badly during the worst of this.
I've lost any confidence I ever had with women. I question my competence, my attractiveness, my sanity. I cry at television commercials.
My kids really love me, and that is good. I was a good father and still try to be. I never beat the **** out of the OM. He played daddy to my girls for about 2 years until their relationship died. I pretty much sucked it up, and let it go.
But, i don't think I will ever be quite right again. But, maybe I will. This infidelity stuff is quite painful. I don't think as clearly as I once did. I'm pretty pissed about the unfairness of it, too.
Iread the stuff on the OM/OW forum and it simply amazes me. It's a game to these folks; "Will you Take him back if he divorces?"; "Does My MM Still Have Sex With His Wife?" Absurd issues like this intrigue them. It's like they are in a soap opera. They care nothing about hurting others. I can't even see these unevolved folks as real people. It's like their dialogues are from some stupid show like Desperate Housewives or Sex in the City. I could not imagine myself, as an adult, focusing on the puerile stuff they do.
Reggie, All I can say is that you are not alone. You reacted like many of us did. Of course you got the worst of your divorce. That happens when men stand up and try to do what's honorable. If you don't fight, lie, cheat and steal during a divorce, you are likely to be trashed.
Men have very few "rights" these days. In 1950 Women had very few (if any) rights at the end or a marriage. It's a world in flux.
Sadly, if there is a disagreement these days, there is usually no middle ground. You are living proof. A guy paying $2300 a month in Child Support sees his kids a few hours a week, and probably can't afford a movie, or trip to the zoo.
It's not going to get better either, at least until your children are adults.
I have no advice for you. All any of us can do is our best. If you find you can't do it anymore, remember, do your level best and don't destroy yourself for not living up to someone elses expectations.
One thing that brings some solace(and Lizzie, hopefully your ex discovered this, as well) is the knowledge that getting away from someone so toxic is, despite the initial pain, a blessing. It's like having a cancerous tumor removed. Once the inital trauma of the excision is over, it's life saving.
I did get the shaft in the divorce. But, I make really good money now and can soon afford a home. My XW's parents, siblings and exteneded family all still welcome me into their lives. So, I lost no friendships, just got away from a toxic, personality disordered a-hole. For that, I am grateful.
Reggie,
my heart goes out to you dude, it sucks ass, and never really gets easier does it.
My wife cheated on me and I dont know if I'll ever get over it.
I cant love her the way I did, because the threw that love out the minute she decided that she could abuse and disrespect me the way she did.
I too have been through the mill on the emotions, crying at the radio, advert, funerals of complete strangers, church services, that kind of thins. The news - especially good news would kill me, but I deserve better than that crappy life.
You and I deserve happiness. Why? because I am a good person. Because we are good people. Its my choice to be a happy person. Its mine to go out and seek friends that I like, and over time my confidence has returned. When people say that I am handsome, now, I believe them, before I would have smiled in that "yeah, whatever" way.
Have a look at my thread... it may help, i don't know, it may not. but know that you are not alone, in any sense of the word. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163822/
__________________
And it seems to me that you lived your life
Initially, I was in the same state you were, Reggie.
I lost 28lbs...in two weeks. I couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down if I tried. I could barely drink water. I slept < 3 hours/night. I was so angry and full of tense energy, and couldn't stand being in the same house...so I was walking 5-10 miles/day (or night) during that first few weeks as well.
I found out later that my kids (all older teens at the time) honestly thought I might die from the stress.
Life still sucked pretty close to this for the first two months. My wife made the choice to reconcile at the end of this time, and that was a huge step forward (of course).
But then after that, we still had all the work of sorting through the shambles to actually reconcile. And...I went through all the normal stages as well...anger at six months, relapse of suspiscion and distrust at the one year anniversary...apathy at 18 months...and a minor relapse again at the two year mark.
But since then...we've done amazingly well. We really have rebuilt our marriage.
So things can get better...they don't always end in a blaze.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
Where to start, eh? It's just about 3 years since I found out my XW was having an affair with her old HS boyfriend. So, what's life been like.
Initially, I lost 35 lbs froman already lean fit body, in two months. And, I don't think I slept more than a couple hours a night for a year or so.
I lost my house ,as I could not pay the mortgage and child support too. I see my 3 young daughters 1 night a week after years of telling them stories each night before sleep.
I sleep on the pullout sofa of a friend's townhome as I cannot afford my own place yet. The divorce cost me 50,000. I pay 2300 a month in child support.
I almost and still may lose my job, a job I've held for 15 years, because my performance slipped badly during the worst of this.
I've lost any confidence I ever had with women. I question my competence, my attractiveness, my sanity. I cry at television commercials.
My kids really love me, and that is good. I was a good father and still try to be. I never beat the **** out of the OM. He played daddy to my girls for about 2 years until their relationship died. I pretty much sucked it up, and let it go.
But, i don't think I will ever be quite right again. But, maybe I will. This infidelity stuff is quite painful. I don't think as clearly as I once did. I'm pretty pissed about the unfairness of it, too.
Iread the stuff on the OM/OW forum and it simply amazes me. It's a game to these folks; "Will you Take him back if he divorces?"; "Does My MM Still Have Sex With His Wife?" Absurd issues like this intrigue them. It's like they are in a soap opera. They care nothing about hurting others. I can't even see these unevolved folks as real people. It's like their dialogues are from some stupid show like Desperate Housewives or Sex in the City. I could not imagine myself, as an adult, focusing on the puerile stuff they do.
Welcome to LS. You'll find that is the norm here. People hurting other people and its just a big game to them.
My advice. Stay in the infidelity section. hang with a better class of people over here (and yes, even Al Bundy is in a better class, even if he is a shoe salesman).
Why on earth did the divorce cost 50 grand? Let me guess, she cheats, and makes life rough on you draggin you through a long painful divorce.
Yes, I know. It sucks. You get a bomb dropped on you, your children basically taken away for which you now have the priviledge of paying for not being with them every day, she gets to move on. Meanwhile you come on a forum like this for support, only to see a bunch of scum that see nothing wrong with messing with people's lives and family. You aint alone in your thinking.
Thats the way it works my man. Welcome to the betrayed x-husband's club.
Anyway, good ol Al and the rest of us are here for ya. As far as the 50 grand, thats just unfathomable to me. What did she do to cause this kind of debt to rack up with an attorney?
have you ever thought about bankruptcy? Nobody likes to think about it, but all this happened at no fault of your own. Get your life back and don't let a cheating xW bring you down. She has her own karma that will hopefully hit her someday.
When she cheated on me I stopped being afraid to be a man and I grew a pair of balls that serve me to this day. I am also proud of myself for fighting her in divorce court and winning. In the end my life has turned out much better than hers.
I must admit that the way you described some of the other threads made me remember what I came to LS for in the first place. Its easy to get caught up/entertained with the drama. I agree, most OW/M have no real idea what they are doing. They are fully active participants in destroying someone elses life. Often, someone they dont even know.
Your story is the end result for when things do not get fixed, do not work out.
Why I really replied to you is regarding children of divorce. My daughters dad and I divorced when she was very young. We were a bad match from the get go - different values, life styles, etc. I will go so far as to say, if I could have legally excluded him from her life, for my own reasons - I would have. However, regardless of my own thoughts and feelings, and without my full cooperation - she has a bond with him that no amount of seperation, no step father, no money, no anything - can break. Not even me.
Reggie, I'm sincerely sorry for what you've gone through and can relate, to an extent.
OW/OM just don't care. Of the vast majority, you'll find the odd one pretty human and a few that got involved with a married person unknowingly. Beyond that, the rest aren't thinking about anyone else but themselves. The betrayed spouse doesn't count beyond being a competitor for something they want. They can pretend to sympathize, maybe a few actually sympathize but not enough to get out of the affair.
Having said that, the married person involved in an affair is just as much to blame. They're the ones who took the vow and shattered it.
It must be hell being a betrayed spouse with children. You can't afford the luxury of taking your own back by helping karma do her thing.
While I wasn't financially hurt by the affair, it devastated me to the point of a short depression, weight loss since I couldn't be bothered to eat and consuming angry thoughts. It took about 6 months from D-day, a spate of therapy and forgiveness (for the ex-H and more importantly for myself), to move on.
It sounds like you're finally moving out of your pain and realizing that while you'll never be the same person you were, you've been honed and tempered like fine steel and can handle anything. You will survive this and burst out of hell, back into life! Eff the ones who don't care. You care about your children and yourself!
When she cheated on me I stopped being afraid to be a man and I grew a pair of balls that serve me to this day. I am also proud of myself for fighting her in divorce court and winning. In the end my life has turned out much better than hers.
As Seinfeld said, "the best revenge is living well"
Where to start, eh? It's just about 3 years since I found out my XW was having an affair with her old HS boyfriend. So, what's life been like.
Initially, I lost 35 lbs froman already lean fit body, in two months. And, I don't think I slept more than a couple hours a night for a year or so.
I lost my house ,as I could not pay the mortgage and child support too. I see my 3 young daughters 1 night a week after years of telling them stories each night before sleep.
I sleep on the pullout sofa of a friend's townhome as I cannot afford my own place yet. The divorce cost me 50,000. I pay 2300 a month in child support.
I almost and still may lose my job, a job I've held for 15 years, because my performance slipped badly during the worst of this.
I've lost any confidence I ever had with women. I question my competence, my attractiveness, my sanity. I cry at television commercials.
My kids really love me, and that is good. I was a good father and still try to be. I never beat the **** out of the OM. He played daddy to my girls for about 2 years until their relationship died. I pretty much sucked it up, and let it go.
But, i don't think I will ever be quite right again. But, maybe I will. This infidelity stuff is quite painful. I don't think as clearly as I once did. I'm pretty pissed about the unfairness of it, too.
Iread the stuff on the OM/OW forum and it simply amazes me. It's a game to these folks; "Will you Take him back if he divorces?"; "Does My MM Still Have Sex With His Wife?" Absurd issues like this intrigue them. It's like they are in a soap opera. They care nothing about hurting others. I can't even see these unevolved folks as real people. It's like their dialogues are from some stupid show like Desperate Housewives or Sex in the City. I could not imagine myself, as an adult, focusing on the puerile stuff they do.
Reggie, I too looked at the OW/OM forum and was disgusted by the lack of concern for others and the lives they lead. I agree with whomever told you to stick here in the Infedelity forum because a lot of people here are the ones hurting and have been through this. It can be uplifting here as opposed to the OW/OM forum.
One thing that brings some solace(and Lizzie, hopefully your ex discovered this, as well) is the knowledge that getting away from someone so toxic is, despite the initial pain, a blessing. It's like having a cancerous tumor removed. Once the inital trauma of the excision is over, it's life saving.
I did get the shaft in the divorce. But, I make really good money now and can soon afford a home. My XW's parents, siblings and exteneded family all still welcome me into their lives. So, I lost no friendships, just got away from a toxic, personality disordered a-hole. For that, I am grateful.
My case is different though... I never cheated (although he is certain to this day that I did)... I wasn't toxic.. we hardly ever fought... We were always together 24/7 (maybe too much). We had no 'life' except for us and our kids (big mistake).. I was just not in love anymore.. I felt he was more like my brother than my partner. I was totally indifferent to him..
It's been 12 years now.. and I'm sure he would take me back (but I will never ever go back)... he's been with someone for over 6-7 years now.
He was devastated cause he knew then I could go out with anyone I wanted.. I was free.. and that was eating him up.. I never regretted my decision...
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"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet" - Mae West
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