April of 2007 I was living abroad at the time. My daughter was 4 months from turning 2 and I was taking care of her by myself. My husband was in Iraq for a 15 month tour, so at that point we had 5 months to go till he came home. My Parents both live in Arizona due to my father being a military man himself.
At that time, my mom had been complaining about pains in her chest and having a hard time breathing. Getting this women to the doctors was very difficult. She was the type to wait for her arms and legs to be falling off till she got her self seen by a doctor.
After a few weeks of covincing from myself and multipul family members, she went to go see a doctor about the pain she was having. Her mother was visiting, so she went with her. That day the doctor did multipul x-rays of my moms chest and was alarmed at what was found. she had pluracy. Its when your lung/lungs fill with fluid. My Mothers whole right lung was infultraited! She was drowing in that fluid. That next day they had to remove the fluid so that she would breath better, but unfortunitly when you have pluracy, its only a symtom of something much more horrible going on with your body.
That day they took out 550 cc's of this beer colored fluid. Imagine a big litter of coke coming out of you! Now at that time the doctor she had was very optomistic. He had the fluid checked for infection, cancer cells, ect. and they found nothing. Her x-ray showed a mass in right lung canal so it was blocking air from going into that lung anyways. His first guess was a cyst. So the next step was to do a broncosopy. Things went really slow after the extraction of the fluid, so the broncoscopy didn't get done for almost 3 weeks!
Finally she went in for the procedure. They found the mass and took a biopsy and was sent to the lab. A few hours after that procedure my mom was told by the doctor that he had to wait for the lab to confirm, but he was very positive it was cancer. The next day it was confirm by the lab. Everything seemed to go so fast from there. I was devistated and I can't even imagine what how my mom felt. She was recomended to two oncoligists. One of them was the primary and specialist for lung cancer so my mom went to her for more test and a cancer plan.
May 2007, I was driving to lunch with a friend, when I got a call from my Mom. She had obviously been crying but she had some important news to tell me. The Doctor called her while she was at sears getting the car tires rotated. The Cancer was stage 4........It was activily in her limp nods and had spread to her stomach and there where 3 tumors in her Brain. There are no words to explain what it felt like when I hurd that. I felt so scared for her, sick to my stomach and I was in a panic. This was my Mommy, I was very close to her and I am her only child. She was my world and I was her's for almost all my life before my daughter came around. a part of me died that day honestly.
Just a week after, they had plans for her to get full brain Radition. I hopped a plan to Arizona so I could be with her when she started. We where all told that she could have a personality change or get very sick. Everyone came....her mother.... both sisters and brother. I had my daughter, and my Dad was there too. It was very intence and very emotional time. I only stayed for a little less then a month, I live the miltary life style and did not have money enough to stay so I went home, got a job and started to save so I could keep coming back out. After the brain radiation, doctors had to wait for the swelling from the radiation to go down. That takes about 6 weeks. They did a scan and got awesome results. They found no traces of the tumors in her brain!! My family and I where so happy. Next, was the plain for Two differnt rounds of Chemo theropy and Radiotion of the lung. I flew out a few more times in the months to come and she seemed to be doing so well with all her treatements. Her doctors where amazed at her progress. At one point in time, they said her tumor in the lung was melting away like snow! Each time I would call, it seemed great news was coming. My heart would skip a beat to here how well she was responding.
Last time I visited in November of 2007 she had lost all her hair and gain a lot of weight. In Cancer world.....weight it GOOD!! She was really optomistic and alive. I was really really proud of her. I can't even imagine what it was like to be in her shoes. I left Arizona feeling pretty good about my Mom's situation.
February 2008, My husband had been home for about 4 months. I started getting more calls from my mom complaining about headaches and heartburn. It was all normal from just finishing her Second round of Chemo but in my heart I felt something was wrong. At that time as well, I had found my husband being unfaithful so I thought the best idea was for myself and our daughter to move to Arizona. I've posted here before about his infidelities if you want to read those post. I have many many updates on that though............anyways It was the best thing I ever did, moving to my parents.
I had only been staying at my parents for two weeks when I started seeing changes in my mom that where strange. She would forget common words, foods and names. It wasn't very often but I was concerned. She complained of headackes all the time and would lay down a lot more then last time I saw her. a few times I watched her daze off. I didn't know what that ment but I watched her closely.
Then one day, as my daughter took a nap upstair and my dad in his recliner next to my mom's couch in the living room, my mom sat up very fast from her couch. (that where she slept since going upstairs took to much effort). I was sitting a few feet away from her and ask her if she was okay. She said "I don't think so baby" and stood up with her finger pointing to the cealing. I felt something horrible happening so I ran to her and grabbed her around the waist. At that time she started spinning in a circle with her finger still pointing to the ceiling. and then...she collapesed into my arms and I pulled her down on the couch on her side. Now, I had taken classes on seizures, and I had a small one myself as a teenager, but never in my life had I seen a grand Mal. It was horrible. I had nothing to keep her from swallowing her tounge so I keep her on her side and held her as she shock violently. My dad was still sleeping and I yelled but that didn't work so I had to throw the remote at him to get him up. He shoot up and rain to her and started crying, yelling ....he didn't know what to do. I told him to hold her and I ran to the phone and called 911. She seized for 10 minutes. The ambulance came right after she had finished. She was panting and her eyes where glazed. She was very confused and could only remember her name. They took her to the hospital and on the way she had another grand mal. When I was finaly allowed to see her, she was still very confused and not herself. She pulled out her iv line infront of me, was very figity and didn't know me at all. I had to really focus myself to keep myself from crying because I felt so helpless. That day they did a scan of her head and found a big 2x2 centemeter tumor in her brain. It was located in the part of the brain we associate memory/personality. She was never the same after that. She was put on anti seizure meds and sent home. She was sent back to Dr. Garland and spot radiation was the only way. She couldn't make all of the appointments because travaling to tucson was an hour each way. she just couldn't do it. It didn't make much of a difference, the tumor was still there. So, a team of doctors descided to go ahead and operate on her brain to get the tumor out. She was young and healthy enough. So in July they went in to take out the tumor.
Now the good news started to poar in again.....thank god they did the surgury because from the scan they took of her brain on thursday, and her surgury was that following monday (so 4 days later) the tumor grew 1 full centemeter. The surgery itself was a great and they got the whole tumor out. and whatever was left over, if any was killed by chemo waffers they put on her brain. So again, my family and I are all excited about the good news untill.....
the reality set it. The Radiation she had had back in July of last year, was just now starting to kill brain cells. Our Brains can't regenorate like our body cells can so she was permently and incressenly becoming brain damaged. She wasn't talking much, she couldn't feed herself, she was incontent and made little eye contactt. It was all very heartbreaking to see someone so beautiful, vibrant, intelagent and loving become so weak and empty. August 12th of this year my dad got the call that they where declaring her hospice. There wasn't anything else they could do without killing her. So within a month and a half it was shocking reality that she was dying. They got the news face to face in Tucson. My Mom actually cryed. she knew. I was at their home waiting for the news and my dad called me and told me. I fixed up the room down stairs for her to stay in. I cryed the whole time as I vacuumed and dusted the place my mom was going to die in. It was bitter sweet for me because that very same room I brought my New Born baby girl in before we had to move. I still can't believe I did that by myself.
Hospice came with a bed, sheets, incontent sheets, gowns and other things that would be needed while she was in hospice care. So everything was set for her when she got home. Hospice only came a few times a week, we where told so everyone came to help. First it was me, My aunt and Grandmother keeping up with care. We where told that we had at least 4 or so months with her.
On August 28th 2008, My husband and I desided that the best place for me while he went on deployment again was in MA. I didn't have much of a support system in Arizona so I moved there to be close to my in-laws. The plan was to drive cross country with the car and dog that we had and then after we got the furniture at our new house, I would fly in to Arizona to be with my mom again. Well, a day later we got to tulsa oklahoma when my dad called my cell phone. My mom was staring the dying process! She couldn't swallow anything so that ment no food or water. I went to the airport that night, they had no flights for 5 hours so I slept in the airport and flew back to arizona to be with her. When I got there, my Aunts and Uncle and my grandma was there. We all took shifts staying with her and cleaning her. It was mostly myself and my dad during the day 7-whenever I felt to tired and my aunts and grandma at night and of course we allfilled in for breaks. We just didn't want her dying alone.
she held on for almost 7 days. She was ready to go from the start of hospice but her body wasn't ready to let go.
September 5th 2008 which was a friday.....very early morning about 1:07 I was woken up by my dad saying that we needed to get down stairs, I ran down and as I walked in the room my Mom took her final breaths. We where all standing around her when she died. All of us took turns talking to her and touching her. Her fingers became so cold within minutes. It was nothing like anything else in the world to watch your Mother die. about an hour after she passed, hospice came and declaired her dead and an hour after that the funeral home we picked came and took her away. I couldn't watch it. It was all to much for me to handle. about 5 hours after my mom died my uncle left to go home. It was bizzare. I got only an hour of rest before I had to be up to go to the funeral home with my Dad. He never made a phone call, or desition on anything. I did it all by myself. I picked her ern, her stationary, poem, guest book, what she was creamated in,the date for her celebration of life......I did it all. My dad didn't know what to do so it was the best thing I could do for my Mom. Give her a beautiful ending.
Her Celebration fo Life was September 10th at 10 am. It was a full house. My pastor came and said some beautiful things and did a small reading from the bible. Then My Aunt spoke and then I spoke. At the end I sang for my Mother. I'm an Opera Singer.....everything I accomplished was because of her so I sang one of her favorite songs.
A day after the celebration of life, I flew to MA to be with My husband and daughter. I didn't have time to grieve because my furniture came it a day after I got in and I had to clean and get things together. We had another Celebration of life in New Hampshire where she was born and where her ashes would be held in a masolium. That was just last week. My husand left two days before that and Here I am now.
My daughter just turned 3 a week ago, I have a new house in a new place and I can't seem to find much happiness in that. I don't think its all hit me yet but I miss my mom so very much. She was my best friend and the best mom I could have asked for. She was only 44 years old. I'm only 23 myself. I never thought I would loose her now.....maybe 40 plus years in the future.....but now? It almost can't be. A dream......a nightmare....I'm so very lost and times like this I would want my mom to hold me but that's never an option anymore. It kills me that I have to tell my daughter what my mom was like, instead of her experiencing it herself. I wasn't ready for any of this. Now It seems as though I'm more lonely since she died. No one talks to me anymore, and when they do, they just don't know what to say. I understand that but, this is the time I need support the most.
My In-Laws told me I should join a grief group but since I can not find one right now, I thought I would start here. I need to start the Grieving process .....
__________________
"I miss you mommy, more then there are stars in the sky..."
LOVE, your little La-La
~*OperaMommy*~
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 10th October 2008 at 4:07 AM..
Reason: deletion of identifiable names
You are not likely to get many responses to such a very long post. I did read the last paragraph and am not sure if you even want a response. If you want people to read your post, abbreviate it. People are busy and there's lots more to do in a day than read one book.
Also, a lot of people can go blind trying to read a mass to gray type without many breaks in it. You can make nice paragraphs by pressing your ENTER key twice after each grouping of three or four sentences. People here will love you for doing that.
and lo siento ... it's not easy letting go, even when you know the outcome is inevitable. And knowing the hardest thing is that you'll have to recreate the very essence of your mom for your child/children. But know that you will be able to do it, because even though your mom isn't here physically, she left the best of herself with you, and you will forever carry that in your heart. And when you want your child to know Grandma, be what your mother was to you – loving, caring, a good friend to her daughter. Because those things don't ever change even when the world changes around you, you know?
we are dealing with hospice right now, my dad is in complete renal failure, but somehow, and for some unknown reason, he's outlived the "expire-by" date the doctor gave him by six months. And hospice has been wonderful about helping us through this. My suggestion is to contact a local hospice outfit and ask about grief counseling, or talk to the pastor/priest/rabbi at your place of worship. I know some churches actually have resources (mostly groups) for people who are grieving.
something that helped me when my mom died five years ago was music – I know, sounds kind of hokey, but a song called "Lullabye" by Billy Joel made a huge difference in how I looked at my loss because it talked about how love goes on no matter that someone has passed on.
more hugs,
quank
PS – Tony is not trying to be horrible. It's just that when someone sees one long post, they tend to look past it because it appears to be too much to digest. That's why he's suggested breaking it up, makes it easier on the eyes so that people WILL respond!
I read the whole thing. I can't imagine going through what you have gone through, and at such a young age.
I'm an only child as well, and I often worry about how it will feel to be "alone" when this happens to me. I pray that it won't happen for a long time, but well, as seen here, you just never know.
Know that your mom is in a better place now, and feeling fine, and keeping watch over you and your daughter. You'll feel her presense around. I know it sounds strange, but I've definitely felt my grandparents around me....
__________________
"Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option." - Unknown
You'll feel her presence around. I know it sounds strange, but I've definitely felt my grandparents around me....
not really strange, IMO ... because I think they love they feel for us as parents defies time and distance and space. And it pretty much becomes our wellspring
I want you to know that you did a great job in taking care of your mother, and I'm SURE that your mother knew that you were there for her.
I wish that there was some way to alleviate the pain, unfortunately, all it's gonna take is time.
In the meantime, you should cry when you need to, then if you have to again, do it. You are gonna be in pain, and the best thing to do is, go through it.
I lost my mother about 17 years agao, and I can tell you that there will be days when you'll be okay, and days when you won't. and it's okay.
Luckily, you have your daughter that needs you, and also your new home, there's so much for you to do.
Good luck in finding a support group (don't forget to check with the military as well, they should have some kind of support, or point you in the right direction),.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 10th October 2008 at 4:08 AM..
Reason: deletion of identifiable names.
That's the sad and scary thing about lung cancer. People are usually diagnosed in stage 4. It leaves so little time for coming to terms with the illness (as if you could ever really do that anyway).
I'm sure your mother and whole family really appreciated how strong and responsible you were during the final days and afterward.
As far as grief support groups. You could look into it at the closest hospital to you. I know ours have several that meet weekly.
I am proud of you and I dont even know you. It will all take time but you are your Mothers daughter and will find the right way to go on. Your post really touched me. I know that my daughters and Stepsons will take it hard when I go.. someday.
My Oma (grandma in German) died of a heart attack 3 years ago on October 9. She was older (85) but was seemingly healthy, it was out of the blue sudden and we were very close. I still miss her, talk to her, wish she was going to be here for Thanksgiving dinner. Silly, I still feel like she is here with me. For a few months after she died, I would call her phone number, half expecting her to pick up, as if it was all a terrible mistake.
A year later (October 26, 2006) my very, very good friend Christina, died of stomach cancer. Seeing what happened to her, the horrible changes, was a nightmare. And she is the first person I talk to (in my head) when things get troublesome at work (that's how we met - we're both teachers).
As bad as these losses were, they weren't my mom, and the title of your thread really resonated with me, as my mom is also my best friend. I live in abject fear of my mom or dad dying, and since they are around 70, it's starting to seem kind of inevitable.
I am so sorry for your loss, so sorry that any of us have to deal with the deaths of those we love. It just sucks. God has got some serious explaining to do when I make the jump!
Thank God for your daughter, and I hope that her existence gives you something to hold on to. I'm sure it does.
As much as you might feel alone right now, please know that there are people out there who understand, on some level, what you are going through. It might not make it any easier, but you are not alone. And thank you for your honest and detailed post. It is a tribute to your mom, who she was and what she went through, and who her daughter is. She was lucky to have you.
Sometimes I call my dad's house number, because he rarely answers it but it has my mom's voice mail message on it. does that sound silly? I have all her jewelery and pins in my spare bedroom and I can remember each time she wore a certain pin on her suit when she went to work. I took two of her sweaters with me before I left too. they smell so good. But its only small doses of comfort for such sad cercumstances.
calling to listen to her voice isn't silly at all ... back when we had a telephone answering machine that used those little tapes, I saved the messages from my mother. It's tucked away safely in my china cabinet for when I need to hear her voice just to make my world right, you know? I've not yet broke it out, though I've come close, but just knowing it's there gives me great comfort.
I didn't get a chance to pick out the one dress of hers that I loved best, but that's okay, I've got little reminders of her tucked throughout the house – things that belonged to her, things that she gave me, things we picked out together, so the attached memories also give comfort. Mostly though, I share my mother with the people I talk to – the great-grandbabies (hers, not mine!), with my sister, with my dad, with my friends and co-workers, so even though she's not physically here, she's still very much present in my life. And I think you probably will do the same with your daughter, buf ...
more hugs to you with the whole military/Iraq thing, that's a lot to deal with on it's own ... you and your family will be in my prayers.
Its been hard a night for me. On top of having a little cold right now, I just can't sleep. I don't try to sit there think about bad things all night, I think of everything. Wonderful memories I shared with My mom......I'll close my eyes and I swear sometimes I can smell her perfume fantly in my room. I think about how this effects my life, and whats its going to be like without her, I think about what it would have been like if she hadn't of had cancer......just anything and everything one can think about.
I remember this one time I was really sick and it was my senior prom day. I moped around the house with My beautifully done up hair and thought, I'm just feeling crappy....I"M NOT GOING!! and she came up to me as I layed on the couch and rubbed my face for a minute. She said "Angela, Come sit on my lap". She Sat on the Recliner and I hopped up on her lap and she rocked me.....back and forth....back and forth and said " no matter how big you get, No matter how many children you have, No matter how old you are, when you need me, Mommy will always hold you".
She always did that when I was really sick or very sad. And I always felt better after she did it. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have never gotten off of her.
I look at my little girl and I think, how in the world can I do my mom justis? What am I going to tell Leah when she asked what Memmere was like? How am I going to have another baby without having her by myside. She gave me so much strength and love. I miss her so very much.
be the kind of mother you grew up with, so that your little ones see for themselves the person she was through the person YOU are.
she rocked me.....back and forth....back and forth and said " no matter how big you get, No matter how many children you have, No matter how old you are, when you need me, Mommy will always hold you".
reminds me of how my mom would always play with my toes ... even though I was in my 30s! I thought is was really sweet when she told me it was because even though i was grown up, I would always be her baby (I'm the youngest of six). That's the kind of thing that makes kids feel special, and loved, and I think sharing the love your mom had for you with your own little ones will help keep her memory alive, you know?
I read your whole post and I think it's beautiful that you have so much love for your mom, and that you have such a supportive family. I lost both my parents about 6 yrs ago - they died 8 days apart. It's like they were there one day, then gone the next. It was so shocking that it took months for me to even grasp it. So I know how you feel and I know the thing about cancer because my mother went through it. I'm so sorry, sweetie, there is no loss like losing your parents. It will take time and you will realize that so much of her lives inside of you and in your heart. In some ways, it feels like my parents are still with me. I wish I could take away your sadness. It just takes time. Our thoughts are with you.
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My Mommy, My Best Friend....
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