My wife of 15 years is divorcing me. We have 2 kids, 11 and 7. We just got through building the house of her dreams, which she left to me. She moved back in with her father. Her mother died 2 years ago and she never really dealt with it, taking anti depressants. In April she began a "relationship" with an older man. Or should I say he began a relationship with her. I pretty sure there wasn't anything physical between them but that doesn't help. After she filed for divorce she finally told what they were talking about her loosing her mother. She thought since he just lost his mother he understood better than I did.
Anyway on with the reason I'm here. She often tells me shes not coming back. Shes made that perfectly clear many times. So why does she check my cell phone records and then bitch me out cause I sent another woman 6 tesxt messages in 1 day? I mean she was texting this other guy 10 times a day. Why should she care? She's divorcing me right? The only time she reminds me that shes not coming back is when shes mad at me about something. So is this her "venting" about things and trying to hurt me as much as she can to make her feal good about herself in the process? Maybe try to justify her actions?
Mind you I wasnt the perfect husband. I had my issues. But I never cheated on her, I never even hugged another woman. I never went "out with the boys". I went to work and came home. I certanly never hit her, never even threatened it.
A year ago I would have told we had the perfect relationship. She was caring, loving and affectionate. She even asked me if I thought we would always love each other that much, apperantly not.
What makes a woman willing to give up everything she has? And I mean everything, she packed her clothes, some pictures, a couple pots and pans and left. We have joint custody of the kids so she's also leaving half of the kids.
There's more I'd to add but I guess this had gotten to long allready.
Do something different. The next time she bitches at you about ANYTHING, say along the lines of, "Unless this is your bassackward way of asking me if I'd be willing to consider a reconciliation, please do not do it again."
Or. "We no longer have the relationship where you get to bitch at me (talk to me like that), don't you remember?"
Her behaviour is not necessarily that she "cares", nor that she does NOT care. There could be a number of underlying inspirations and issues that are feeding it. All you can really do is set your own boundaries of how you expect her to treat you, and what you will not tolerate.
Sorry that you're going through this.
__________________
"They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol
He watch it (LOL) some of us old geezers still have working parts. We need (and get) sumpin, sumpin, too.
Seriously though, my guess is that your STBXW is rolling in the hay with Grandpa. Women are not impulsive creatures. They seldom leave one warm safe place without having another warm safe place to go to.
Sadly sport, there ain't nuttin you can do about it. It's the era of walk away wives. Yours has joined the hoarde.
It's hard to guess what's on her mind. If she is really jealous, then she is not in love with the other man. I think he wants your attention. You had a good relationship before, so the best thing would be to talk peacefully, like two people who love each other. Maybe you should show more understanding about her loss. If a woman loves you, you can bring her back with hugs and kisses. Show a lot of tenderness and affection - that is, if you want her back.
Feel free to add more information; we've seen much longer here on this forum, so don't worry about length.
__________________ Marriage is a community in which we resolve problems that we wouldn't have had if we were single - unknown
A lot of things going on here, the lost of her mother, her children approaching their teen years (thus less co-dependant upon on one another, middle age, her peaking in her sexual awarness.
She ran home to her Father, and she's involved with an older man on some level or the other. That speaks volumes, in that he's providing somthing to her that you can't as as a man of your age and as her husband.
I kid you not that this has more to do about her than it does about you and her. So go lightly about about your hand in all of this, and about what you can and/or can't do about it? That is so say? Go easy on yourself and donn't beat yourself up over the situation.
You could have, should have, would have etc ad nausemun and it wouldn't have been enough. I believe the DW's mother passisng has passed her into a mid-life crisis. And its going to take her time to work her way out of it. And at the end she may find herself as having made the worse mistake of her life in leaving you.
That matters not!
What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about your life? She can dance all day, but where doess that leave you and your children?
Your left with the day to day of living, and at the end of the day, you've got to deal with the day to day of living life! Life moves on. With or without her.
You've got to make the hard choices in this relationship. Wheather to go the long haul and hard road, of to just bail.
Keep posting!
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
Tell us more. You did a great job of telling us what issues you didn't have
Quote:
A year ago I would have told we had the perfect relationship. She was caring, loving and affectionate.
She was emptying her love bank, methinks. See my first response.
Quote:
What makes a woman willing to give up everything she has?
No clue for her, but, to me, it's just stuff. I'll just call the mover and let my wife prepare a list. The emptier, the better Oh, you mean you and the kids....sorry......I hope she isn't giving up on the kids. But you and the rest of it are now irrelevant to her and likely just a reminder of something she'd rather forget.
She might be playing games with her remarks, just to see if she can get a rise out of you. From the sound of it, she didn't get much of a rise out of you while you were married. Hearing your story, you just absorbed everything, like a sponge. My god, not even hugging another female. How sad
Let her go and learn how to love yourself. Maybe she'll return. Maybe not. Look at it this way. You'll be having contact for at least another decade or more. No rush
LOL. Of course she is mad at you. She is jealous. But that doesn't mean you throw it in her face. HAve you ever really LISTENED to her? Or is it all about your feelings and what she is doing to you? Go to zaxxes.com for help. Saved my marriage. It may save yours.
First I'd like to thank every one for there comments. And I'm always open to critisism of any kind. If I did something wrong, tell me and I'll try to fix it the best I can.
Quote:
Do something different. The next time she bitches at you about ANYTHING, say along the lines of, "Unless this is your bassackward way of asking me if I'd be willing to consider a reconciliation, please do not do it again."
Or. "We no longer have the relationship where you get to bitch at me (talk to me like that), don't you remember?"
Been there, done that. All I got was "so how does it feel to be accused of something your not doing?"
Quote:
Tell us more. You did a great job of telling us what issues you didn't have
This is probably not the entire list but it's a work in progress.
My issues:
I took her for granted. This was probably the biggest issue.
I can't read a woman's mind. Don't expect me to, it's not going to happen.
I didn't want to do everything her way. This may sound weird but for about the first 12-13 years of our marriage it was all about her. What ever she wanted to do, where ever she wanted to go. But the last few years I started do the things I wanted to do and she couldn't stand it.
She says I was never there for her. Maybe I wasn't in the last year or so but after years of me asking her "whats wrong?" or "whats on your mind?" when I know somethings wrong and all I got was "nothing", I quit asking.
There were times when I didn't want to do things with the kids. Is this wrong? I love my kids but do I have to do everything for/with them?
I was distrustful, but after the 3 months of her sneaking around, lying to me and trying to hide things from didn't I have the right? Maybe I'm just trying to justify my own actions.
Maybe I didn't do enough around the house but I'm not a lazy bum. I spent most the weekends cutting firewood, building barns.
I didn't jump when said. If she asked me to take out the trash, I didn't do it right then so sometimes I would forget.
I guess I wasn't the Godly father she wanted me to be. I didn't like going to church. She blamed me for the kids not wanting to go to church.
She left once back in April for about 4 days. This was after the 3 months of sneaking around and lying. After 4 days she came back. Wanted to try again, she said. But she didn't want to talk about anything. Not about us, not about what had happened the past 3 months. She just wanted to act like it never happened. Sorry, I couldn't do that. At that time I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her and I wanted an apology. But that's all I wanted. Instead of repeating "but we didn't do anything wrong, nothing happened". She apologized the other mans wife, why couldn't she apologize to me? She actually told me a few days ago that that's when she decided she was leaving for good when she found out I didn't trust her.
She also comes from a family of "if you ignore, it will go away" people. And her dad is their king. The last 6 months of her moms life her dad just went on as ussual, like nothing was wrong. He still expected his dinner to be fixed every night when he got in and his laundry to be done in the morning. He still never speaks of her mother. I guess thats his way of dealing with it.
I honestly think most of this stems from her depression and what I see now as codependency. The said thing is, I cant do a thing to help her. It took me a while to realize that. When she left I apologized to her for not being able to keep her happy. I really thought I was responsible for her happiness. I didn't understand that each person has to be responsible for there own happiness. If your not happy, its your own fault and I have to keep telling myself to make myself happy as hard as it may be right now. I just wish she would get off my case. If any little thing goes wrong, its my fault.
LOL. Of course she is mad at you. She is jealous. But that doesn't mean you throw it in her face. HAve you ever really LISTENED to her? Or is it all about your feelings and what she is doing to you? Go to zaxxes.com for help. Saved my marriage. It may save yours.
I didn't throw it in her face. She dug for it. She pulled my cell phone records, twice. Mine and my sons cell phone are on the same account, she has her own cell phone account now and had since April. After the first time she pulled my records I changed the password to the cell phone website. A few days ago she told me she wanted to check our sons cell phone and asked me for the password. Call me stupid later, but I gave it to her, but I have nothing to hide. Well, I don't think I need to tell what happened next. There were 8 text messages I sent to a woman about a job we had open here and the ones me and my son send back and forth to each other. That's it.
I'm perfectly willing to listen, but she wont talk. The only time she talks about what happened is when shes pissed off at me for something. I'm not a mind reader. I can tell when somethings bothering her but if she wont talk to me about it I cant drag it out of her.
I took her for granted. This was probably the biggest issue.
I can't read a woman's mind. Don't expect me to, it's not going to happen.
Let's work with those....remember, the only person you can work on is you
Give us examples of how you took her for granted. Three is fine.
You sound like you've been very frustrated by lack of communication for a long time. I understand this. My wife comes from a family of avoiders. I may like to avoid too, but I talk about it Anyway, MC taught me it's not what you say, but how you say it, and this includes questions to "bring her out".
What do you think you can do for yourself in these two areas, right now, to feel better about your position in the marriage?
Have you considered MC and, if so, shared that with her? Has she ever asked you to consider MC? How do you feel about sharing with a neutral third party?
Let's work with those....remember, the only person you can work on is you
Give us examples of how you took her for granted. Three is fine.
You sound like you've been very frustrated by lack of communication for a long time. I understand this. My wife comes from a family of avoiders. I may like to avoid too, but I talk about it Anyway, MC taught me it's not what you say, but how you say it, and this includes questions to "bring her out".
What do you think you can do for yourself in these two areas, right now, to feel better about your position in the marriage?
Have you considered MC and, if so, shared that with her? Has she ever asked you to consider MC? How do you feel about sharing with a neutral third party?
At first I went to a personal counselor. Big mistake. I went to a few sessions until she agreed to go to one. I asked her not to go unless she was willing to reconcile. He wanted to meet with her by herself first so I waited outside until he called me back in. When I came back in he actually told us both to get the divorce and move on with our lives. Apparently she used that time to see how bad she could bash me. She didn't want to reconcile, she just wanted some one to agree with her. If she talks to some one and they don't tell her what she wants to here she doesn't go back to them. That includes her sister. She talked to her sister and her sister didnt tell what she wanted to here. She hasn't spoken to her sister since.
I've been going to a Christian MC for the past month or so. I don't think she knows. Its not that I'm trying to hide it form her but as far as I can tell she is completely unwilling to reconcile. Did I mention she stubborn too?
At first I went to a personal counselor. Big mistake. I went to a few sessions until she agreed to go to one. I asked her not to go unless she was willing to reconcile. He wanted to meet with her by herself first so I waited outside until he called me back in. When I came back in he actually told us both to get the divorce and move on with our lives. Apparently she used that time to see how bad she could bash me. She didn't want to reconcile, she just wanted some one to agree with her. If she talks to some one and they don't tell her what she wants to here she doesn't go back to them. That includes her sister. She talked to her sister and her sister didnt tell what she wanted to here. She hasn't spoken to her sister since.
I've been going to a Christian MC for the past month or so. I don't think she knows. Its not that I'm trying to hide it form her but as far as I can tell she is completely unwilling to reconcile. Did I mention she stubborn too?
"I asked her not to go unless she was willing to reconcile." - Big mistake. She is going to take that as a demand from you. With the way she feels right now, do you think she is going to listen to you? She is obviously looking at you in a negative way and needs time to rethink your position in her life.
It sounds like you are set in your ways and you need to stop if you want your wife back.
Let me ask you this... How important is it that you get your wife back? Would you do anything to do so? If you answer "yes", then stop what you are doing and listen to her.
Have you ever asked her what she wants and followed what she said? If not, you need to listen to her. REALLY listen to what she thinks she needs right now. Best of luck to you.
The only way to get her to change her mind is to agree with her. Yes. Make her feel special and listen to her. DO NOT talk about your feelings right now. She doesn't care about your feelings.
I went through the same thing with my wife. I followed the guide at zaxxes.com and my wife andI are happier than ever. The guide walks through the things I needed to do to establish my marriage again and it worked. It did take some time to do so. But likeI said, my wife and life are back. Now my 2 year old daughter will have her daddy in her life as well.
Last edited by husbndinthemaking; 3rd October 2008 at 12:40 PM..
I understand what you are saying completely. When I asked her to go to the session, that was months ago and have I have learned from my mistakes. I guess there's another issues I left off. I wanted to be controlling but just didn't see it at the time. I never told she couldn't do anythign or go anywere but I guess I couldn't just let her go. But like I said, tell me what I did wrong and I will try to fix best as I can. Sometimes I can't, all I can do is ask for forgiveness.
I haven't asked her to do anything. I haven't called her in months unless I absolutely had to and that was only a couple times.
Yes, I do want my wife back in my life but if she doesn't want to be back why cant she just stay out of mine. Quit trying to run me down and make me feel bad. Its like she's throwing it in my face that's shes divorcing me.
BTW: I bought the Love Boost ebook. I also bought the one from Cucan Pemo a couple months ago, which turned out to be a great investment of itself. Sadly, that was after the consoler session that didnt go so well.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Does she really meen what she says?
Anyway, MC taught me it's not what you say, but how you say it, and this includes questions to "bring her out". 
Linear Mode
