- she is dating someone else (probably 1-2 months). they were friends/ acquaintances for a few yrs.
-im in my early 30's. she is in her late 20's.
-we never talked about marriage. i believe she doesnt want to marry.
- i asked her what does she what over the phone, she'll say "i dont know" (like 1 month ago)
-i heard from her friend that my ex explained to her that we broke up.
QUESTION.
should i get an explaintion in person?
its been over 3 weeks since we broke up. she im'ed me once. asking what i was up do. i ended w/ maybe we should talk sometimes. i im her a few days later (just small talk for like 10-15 im lines)
why does she not wanna explain to me in person? she doesnt wanna make me feel bad. or she doesnt wanna feel bad herself.
would NC be more effective if she never broke up w/ me face to face? or i need a face to face break up (so she can feel bad). as of now im gonna do the straight disappear NC (she doesnt know that im gonna do that).
so, which works better, a face to face break up then NC or staight disappear NC?
Breaking up with someone over the phone is a very cowardly and inconsiderate way to break up with someone, especially after 8 whole years of a relationship.
You can try NC but it may be difficult for you because what you really need is closure first. Not having closure will only make fuel your imagination to think of every possibility known to man ofn why she decided to break up. This, my friend, is a very time-consuming thought process that you want to avoid.
After 8 years of your life, she owes you an explanation. Breaking up over the phone can be remotely acceptable for a relationship of 8 weeks maybe but not 8 years. The closure does not have to be in person at this point since it is well over the break up but she should, at the every least, call you to explain. After this, I would go no contact.
If she refuses to explain, go no contact anyway and sometime down the line, she will not be able to help but to give you closure because she will need it.
If someone can break up with you in such a manner after 8 years, I urge you to put much effort into not wanting her to call you for reconciliation. This is the type of person that you find dear John letters from if you were to marry them.
Breaking up with someone over the phone is a very cowardly and inconsiderate way to break up with someone, especially after 8 whole years of a relationship.
You can try NC but it may be difficult for you because what you really need is closure first. Not having closure will only make fuel your imagination to think of every possibility known to man ofn why she decided to break up. This, my friend, is a very time-consuming thought process that you want to avoid.
After 8 years of your life, she owes you an explanation. Breaking up over the phone can be remotely acceptable for a relationship of 8 weeks maybe but not 8 years. The closure does not have to be in person at this point since it is well over the break up but she should, at the every least, call you to explain. After this, I would go no contact.
If she refuses to explain, go no contact anyway and sometime down the line, she will not be able to help but to give you closure because she will need it.
If someone can break up with you in such a manner after 8 years, I urge you to put much effort into not wanting her to call you for reconciliation. This is the type of person that you find dear John letters from if you were to marry them.
"she will not be able to help but to give you closure because she will need it. "
i dont understand this. why would she need it?
also, the first 3 weeks i was def. in denial. this is my 2nd day of wanting to better myself for the sake of myself (stupidme. it should have been this way since the very beginning)
"she will not be able to help but to give you closure because she will need it. "
i dont understand this. why would she need it?
also, the first 3 weeks i was def. in denial. this is my 2nd day of wanting to better myself for the sake of myself (stupidme. it should have been this way since the very beginning)
It means that breaking up with you ( after such a long relationship ) will haunt/bother her and she will have to tell you to ease her guilt. She may not be able to talk about it now but a time will come that she will have to talk ( unless she has no consense ).
"she will not be able to help but to give you closure because she will need it. "
i dont understand this. why would she need it?
also, the first 3 weeks i was def. in denial. this is my 2nd day of wanting to better myself for the sake of myself (stupidme. it should have been this way since the very beginning)
After eight years in a realtionship, it is very hard for someone to just walk away without properly finalizing it. She will seek closure sometime in the future. She is just avoiding it now for her own selfish reason but it is seeping out slowly which she gives a sign by still contacting you.
She will be able to hold out longer than you since she has already moved on so don't be the one left in the dust in this aspect. You must move on as well. If I were in your situation...now this is me personally... I would contact her and ask her to tell you why you had to hear about the breakup through the grapevine. Let her know that you accept it but you would like some sort of explanation. If this cannot happen, just go no contact and fully began the process of weaning her from your system. You will wean her but closure can make it much quicker but do not sit around suffering if she is too selfish to do it now. No contact is your best weapon in this situation and improving yourself. I don't think God has made a better way...yet.
It means that breaking up with you ( after such a long relationship ) will haunt/bother her and she will have to tell you to ease her guilt. She may not be able to talk about it now but a time will come that she will have to talk ( unless she has no consense ).
In my case my ex had no consiense. I thought I was owed this and that . But in reality I am not owed jack. She is a human being and can make her own decisions. She decided to leave me, fine. I found my own closure.
__________________
"Discontent is the first necessity of progress. "-edison
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." edison
If this is the post you are referring to that you wanted my advice, here it is.
Let it go.
Make your own closure. You dated her long enough to know her. Whatever reason she gives you for the breakup you won't really accept anyway. You just have to accept that it's over and forget about her. You need to go NC. You have no control over her actions, only your own. That is why making your own closure is so important.
The more you focus on her and why she left, the longer it's going to take to heal. The fact is she did leave and there's nothing you can do about it. Period. And the more you chase her the harder she will run away from you.
The only thing you control is yourself. So stop wallowing around in pity (we've all done that). Get out with friends, hit the gym, start some new hobbies and spoil yourself. Put 100% of your focus on making yourself happy (without her). If you can't make yourself happy alone, you won't be able to make anyone else happy in a relationship with you.
The bottom line is YOU are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants and happiness. She's long gone and odds are she isn't coming back. It sucks but again, you don't control her. If you want to find someone else, someone who loves you for who you are, you need to put her behind you.
If she comes back later you'll be in a better position all the way around to either take her back or say no. But right now all the focus needs to be on YOU and your healing.
Cheers.
__________________ ...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. - Balthazar The No Contact Guide
why did she break up w/ me over the phone? and it wasnt a i wanna break up. it was i dont know what i want.
also, if she was bored in this relationship, how do i get a second chance sometime in the future. or it is once you are bored its OVER.
Crushed, you have to realize that only she can answer those questions. I personally think you will feel much more at peace if she was willing to do so but if she is not, you have no choice but to move on. Saddly, many times those who are let go in a relationship, never get an answer. Also, the answers are so multifactorial that it just boils down to lack of chemistry. Where it went? Who knows?
Don't drive yourself nuts with these questions or fall into the common trap of trying to figure out just when she stopped loving you. You will begin to pick random events and things she said and try to twist them into something that can explain her actions. Don't do this. You should accept that this may be a mystery for a very long time and possibly forever.
I personally think closure is better than none at all from your ex but the most important thing right now is stepping away from the past at this point. Life is going on around you and you should take advantage now.
Last edited by Mike B.; 1st October 2008 at 6:35 PM..
Man, hell yes you deserve an explanation!! Bar none!! After several years all she can do is dump you over the phone! Never fails to amaze me how sorry people can be.
Dumpers need to be strong enough to do it in person. If you were a terrible person then all of this could be okay. Otherwise another weak and cowardly way out.
__________________
I once believed in you, I believed in us. You rushed to be with me and you rushed to leave me. Leaving me only with memories in between your rushes!
crushed, I'm sorry you're going through this. As others have said, the only person that can answer why she chose the phone to break up is her. She does owe you an explanation, but sometimes dumpers either are too cowardly to disclose that explanation or simply are unable to produce it themselves. The important thing is that you don't rely on her explanation as closure. You need to initiate it yourself. I know that you will think hearing the explanation from your ex will prompt all the right symbolic latches in your head to create closure, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to move on and not rely on her.
I know where you're coming from. My ex of 5 years dumped me over email. He didn't even respect me enough to break up with me over the phone. For the first few weeks after it happened, I kept on thinking that if I spoke to him on the phone at least, I would get the closure I needed, the questions to answers that were swirling in my head. But as weeks dragged on, I realised that was just a hoop dream. He had offered me a phone call; I didn't accept it, there was no point.
Closure comes from within. We cannot rely on others to complete our emotional healing. Even if she answers your question, will it matter? She broke up with you. Something in the relationship wasn't working for her. Whether you get the answers or not, the end result is the same. Try to take a step back and a step towards healing. It'll be rough in the first bit, but you deserve a woman who will treat you with dignity.
I'm sorry that your ex didn't have the cajones or decency to break things off in person.
I do, however, find it hard to grasp that after 8 years, you have no idea what she might have been unhappy about or disssatisfied with in the relationship. If you really don't have a clue, well, that might be a clue.
I do believe that you deserve an in-person conversation about the breakup, if you want it. I'm sure that I would!
However, I wouldn't count on getting closure, per se, from the conversation.
Real closure only comes on our own. Go back, and read CaliGuy's post about closure. It's a good one.
While getting some clarity from her about the situation may help settle your mind, closure comes from acceptance. Acceptance of the situation and acceptance of another person as they are.
Edit: I can't believe that after 8 years she broke things off over the phone. That's terrible and I'm sorry.
I was with a girl for 5 years that called me on the phone at work and ended it, so I feel your pain. Thing is, it really doesn't matter why, and like CaliGuy has said, you wont want to accept it anyway. Your mind will always wonder if you let it.
Just look at it realistically: you two aren't together anymore. The fact that she ended it over the phone doesn't show a lot of consideration or respect for you or your feelings.
Let it go. You'll probably feel like this was a good thing one day. Let time do its thing.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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