I flew back home yesterday from being away for a week while I was doing Army work. I needed this break from the stress of knowing the truth while my wife continued to lie to me about the affair.
This morning I noticed she was hand washing her delicates (Victoria Secret garments) and I told her I wished she would wear something like that for me. It was evident she had worn this while I was away. She kind of got aggressive with me and said "what do you mean by that?" I asked her "do you really want to do this?"
I went downstairs and retrieved a Semen Detection Kit and asked her to test a pair of her panties she hadn't washed yet. It tested positive for Semen and I have delibrately not slept with her for this reason.
She disclosed everything to me. All details of the affair came out. I later called the OM's wife. Apparently, she found a text message to the OM from my wife that was inappropriate around 6 months ago. I was still in Iraq at the time. She talked to her husband and he assured her it was nothing. Their marriage is over. I have sent him an email and left him a message to let him know to stay away from my family.
My wife says she is ready to begin again. My eyes are open. And she understands the hurt she has brought our family and the damage she has done to his family. ButI have told her I realize how good of a liar she has now become.
I hold no joy other than I can now work to save my family. His life is shattered. He knew of my weight loss and the stress his actions, and her actions, were causing. They were going to let me die. I lossed 40 lbs. Their lives revolved around text messages, phone calls and planning the next hook up. I hold no guilt for what I did to his family because he was going to let my wife divorce me and leave my daughters fatherless. I feel I could have died from the stress of this affair. They didn't care. But now I can work on my wife as a recovering addict. And I get to keep my family. This luxury wasn't afforded to him.
Just keep your options open. I read a study on men who stayed with their cheating wives. The author had found that men, in particular, have a knee jerk reaction to discovering an affair and want to reconcile for the wrong reasons, specifically a fear of being alone and a competetive urge to feel like they prevailed over the other guy.
Almost across the board, a couple years out, these men were miserable and regretted staying.
So, just as BS's are advised to make no decision about divorce for a year or so, the same applies to making a committment to reconcile.Let your WW know that you are willing to consider staying but do not make a firm committment for a good long time. See if she does the hard work, arranging counseling, being transparent, witnessing your pain and trying to help you heal. You call the shots, now.
She needs to be tested for STD's. So do you. She's risked your life exposing you to the OM's entire sexual history.
I hope you do what is best for you. Very few marriages survive this stuff. The sites promoting their marriage healing services for a fee give false stats. It's like 30% survivial at best. Good luck. Amazing ,the callousness and cruelty they display , eh?
a competetive urge to feel like they prevailed over the other guy.
That is exactly the vibe I got from your post, before even reading Reggie's comment. It sounds like anger and jealousy are fueling your desire to keep your marriage together right now, specifically making sure that this OM does not have "your" wife. Understandable. I agree w/ Reggie. Take it slow. I read the same stats on the percentage of marriages that last after an affair... 31%. Recovery is certainly possible, though I think it's good to go at it with open eyes. My own XH cheated on me... I never looked back. We didn't have children together, though I'm not sure that would have changed my mind. Cheating, to me, is the ultimate self-serving act of disrespect... A total deal-breaker!
Why are you gonna stay with your wife? Reread your post on here, "they were gonna let you die"! Think about it, the affair would still be going on if you didn't zap her on it! Divorce this cancer and find someone better! She rode someone while you were RISKING your life in Iraq! She dishonored and disrepected you in the worse possble ways, and you want to take her back?! Drop her ASS! You deserve way better!
I think you need to reread the above poster (SUP) comments again and again. She had no intention of ever stopping the affair until she got caught. She could have cared less whether she gave you an STD. Your risking your life and she screwing her lover behind your back. She was going to leave you and let you die. You need to open your eyes and see what it is that you really have. If the roles had been reversed, do you honestly think she would have put up with such an amount of humiliation, disrespect and distain you apparently are willing to accept? Enough is enough!
I think you need to reread the above poster (SUP) comments again and again. She had no intention of ever stopping the affair until she got caught. She could have cared less whether she gave you an STD. Your risking your life and she screwing her lover behind your back. She was going to leave you and let you die. You need to open your eyes and see what it is that you really have. If the roles had been reversed, do you honestly think she would have put up with such an amount of humiliation, disrespect and distain you apparently are willing to accept? Enough is enough!
NO! She wouldn't have put up with you screwing another woman, so why settle for less? You're better than that, MAN!
I hope you realize, that we're here to help you get away from a bad selfish person (your wife)who just don't give a crap about you, let alone love you!
There's good Lawyers out there, Men's Rights lawyers, who will fight to the bloody screaming death to make sure your rights are protected, for a small fee of course, but heck, that's a whole lot better than paying this woman alimony for the rest of your life for her affair! You could perhaps get custody of your children! In the very least it would be joint custody, so STBXW wouldn't get a dime! Oh, and go for the house too! Of course her and OM probably already screwed in it, gotta burn the bed!
As a recently medically retired military member. I can tell you that by what you posted and the fact she wasn't going to stop until caught...makes her a bad spouse for any military member. Your going to be gone again in the future and she will do it again. kick her to the curb.
In his first post on another thread he mentioned that he purchased sperm detection kits
I didn't even know such a thing existed!
I concur, find yourself a good divorce lawyer and explore all your options.
There is no excuse for cheating on your spouse while they are away on duty overseas... none whatsoever. My ex husband had a 6 month contract in Tokyo while we were married- and it never once occured to me to cheat just because I was a little lonley.
Her affair isn't really over. I mean, she was washing a sexy outfit! Sure she told you about the A, only because you busted her.
She may say she's ready to work on the marriage, let her actions show this, not her words. Keep an eye on her. Check up on her. Get to counselling together and apart.
I've said it once and I'll say it again. A bullet was fired right through the heart of your marriage which not only killed the marriage but was deeply felt by you for a part of you literally died with it (hence the agonal pain, anguish, weight loss, and anxiety you experienced as a result of it's death throes). Your wife not only conducted herself in a shameful manner by having an affair but compounded the severity of her betrayal to your marriage by lying and using you in deferrence to her selfish indulgence to maintain a relationship with her OM.
To bounce back from this you must fully forgive her with the understanding that forgiveness heals the forgiver but does nothing for the forgiven for the forgiven must still face the consequences of their actions and are still bound and required to make restitution by performing acts of contrition through atonement for their misdeeds. Thinking of forgiveness as "amnesia for the mind and soul" the degree of forgiveness that you must strive to achieve in your circumstance may require you to completely wipe out your entire history with her. Difficult to do since you sired children with her but, it is what it is, hence making decisions for the future far more difficult. Once you've healed and achieved a state of complete forgiveness though, the question that begs is, would you be able to look into the face of the stranger, still mother to your children, and ask for her hand in marriage?
Here is where I completely agree with other posters who advise that you restrain yourself from making any premature commitments to maintaining an immediate marital relationship with her. When you look in her face you must consider her from the perspective of a stranger for the person she is now is not the person you married. You will have to aquaint yourself with this stranger just as you would any other new person in your life and proceed with the same prudence, caution, and questions you'd have assessed while in pursuit of any of the other relationships you've ever undertaken in the past. Remember, long is the road and hard that out of hell lead up to light so take your time and step carefully!
__________________
"I put my Gucci watch on, synchronize the time, and let's rock....LET'S ROCK"!
Last edited by pelicanpreacher; 29th September 2008 at 2:15 AM..
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She wouldn't have put up with you screwing another woman, so why settle for less?
You're better than that, MAN!
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