He has cheated on me. He said it was only once. (Now the EA is a different story) He wants to go to MC and save our marriage. He is willing to go NC with OW because I asked, though I am sure he would rather not; he would rather keep her around as a friend. I am afraid he will grow to resent me for telling him to go NC.
Guys, is it normal to not expect/want this to work in the back of your head? I think he has cried more than me. Our last handful of conversations he has cried and I didn't. I am surprised at how calm and levelheaded I was. I was so sure that the moment he would admit to cheating I would go postal. He really is sorry?
Am I just numb? Or is there a chance I don't care or am slightly relieved that I feel nothing?
Please, any BS who felt ambivalent at the discovery and the days/weeks afterward, share your experience. Is it only temporary? Did your marriage succeed? Were you happy with the outcome? I feel like I am only staying for our daughter. What I want is MORE than what we used to have. I want a love that is deep and almost painful, does that make sense? I have not experienced that with H in the years we've been married. It's like.. should I be looking for something more? Or is it okay to turn around and go back all the while hoping it will become something better than what it was?
Sorry for rambling. I feel so lost. Please help. Thanks..
I think it's hard to know what you feel in the early days. For me, when my PI gave me the news, I felt sort of euphoric. I'd been lied to and gaslighted for so long, it was nice to know I was not insane, jealous or paranoid.
But, part of me , a small part that grew, did rcognize this discovery as my ticket to freedom. My ,marriage was so loveless and abusive for so long, I knew I could get out and not be blamed now. No one else knew about all the abuse, the cold water dousing in the shower and when I was clothed ready to go out, the long term silent treatments on a regular basis, being called a woman, and soem very hurtful, emascualting remarks from early on.
So, I think if your marriage was bad or empty, it is normal to recognize that this is your ticket to getting out and finding a better relationship.
I stayed with a BPD/NPD woman for too many years for the sake of the kids. I had no idea what I was dealing with, had never heard of personality disorders until my lawyer, a former psychologist, told me I was dealing with this.
I suppose, assuming your husband is not disordered, this could make him start changing. You get to call the shots on the decision to reconcile now.
Argh I can't sleep. Reggie, I'm truly sorry for your misfortunes. I'm guessing you are no longer in that marriage?
Friends would tell H and I that we were the "perfect" couple. It hurts so bad that the pride and happiness I felt when I heard that is now shattered. We didn't fight often, didn't call each other names or point fingers. We cuddled every night, had sex regularly. We survived a 15-month deployment. I thought we were doing OK.
It was exhausting but I was the one who got him to confess he had cheated, only after I had totally backed him into a corner. I think he should have volunteered that information the soonest chance he got but he didn't.
I guess I'm looking for some reassurance I'm not fooling myself here.
Yes, I am out. The affair put me in lots of pain, but it also garnered me tons of support,even from my XWW's family. That was a bonus, as was the information that they gave me about her past(affairs with married men and her highschool soccer coach, as well as a ton of lying to her family about tons of stuff throughout her life.)
In your case, just take your time and eighyour decison for a good long time. You need not commit to reconciling right away. You need a lot of time to sort through your feelings on this and whether it is a dealbreaker for you.
Orange, I think that it is very early days of your discovery, and no one should make a firm decision in that time period.
You have always felt you had a strong and happy marriage. Infidelity is not the deathknell for all marriages, although it is for many. If your M was strong prior, then it can be stronger in the future. It does take work and desire.
Good luck with it - I think it can be hard, but it can certainly be done if you both want it and are willing to work for it.
Adding - yes, of course you would wish that he would have told you about the affair on his own, without being backed into a corner or lying about it. But face it - we lie when we know that we have done something wrong and we don't want to reap the consequences. If he had been proud of it, he would have said "Yep, I screwed her, and I'm glad!"
After I found out that my now xH cheated on me, I felt validated in a weird way. I had suspected and had the intuitive feelings that something was going on, but he always lied and made me feel crazy. I really started to mistrust my own judgment.
In the days following, I was numb. I was in shock I believe and probably in denial that this would be a detriment. It was in the open and he was remorseful so we could move on and make our marriage better. I think in a way I blocked it out of my mind. I knew it was there and had happened, but didn't focus on it at all. I was also calm as you are now.
After the shock wore off, I became one very mad woman. I cried and mourned and went through a lot of emotions, sometimes several in one day. I needed answers to questions and he didn't want to talk about it because he would then have to face that he had done something wrong. We went to MC which he quit after two sessions.
After time, it did quit hurting. I was able to move on emotionally, but I had to do it on my own. He was no help at all. The affair did not end our marriage. It did get better for several months before it totally went downhill. My situation is a little different though. My xH was a very abusive man. I truly believe he suffers from a personality disorder, although I couldn't get him close enough to real counseling to ever get affirmation on that point.
I eventually divorced him two years later but not because of the residuals of the affair. I divorced him for mental and physical abuse.
I sufffer no pain from his affair now, and it does not affect me with other relationships. It took work to get there, but I did.
So although our situations are different, from the standpoint of the BW, I went through a lot of emotions starting with shock/numbness so I am not surprised this is where you are. If I were you, I would give it some time and see how you really feel. You have invested in that relationship and making a quick decision won't benefit you.
SIT, the first part of your message really spoke to me. I feel a little angrier these days but I don't think it has fully hit me yet. I do think I'm trying to block it out somehow. Mostly I just feel sad.
You guys are right, whether or not to divorce isn't really a decision to be made so soon. Thanks.
Orangekin, I hope that youre head and heart are ok, its hard isnt it, its so damn hard to get through this, I dont think that I'll ever get over it, I sure as anything wont ever forget it, but I am dealing with it. I can forgive, but its hard to move on without holding on to it.
Somedays its ok, the sun shines and I feel ok with the wind in my face. but otherdays I just want to stay under the blankets, never get out of bed and stay there. I see her, I see her face and its the woman I love, the woman I loved. But shes a different person now. theres something damaged, and if I'm feeling really down, then shes something dirty, someone nasty that has kicked me harder than I have ever been kicked. But that version is not the version I want to see - the person I want is the old person I remember, the carefree, life-filled, vivacious, colorful and beautiful. So I try hard to go there, and bring her back.
You can find my story on LS, but I understand what you're feeling.
To be honest, you're lucky that your H actually confessed. My W denied everything until I packed up all her crap, put it on the front lawn and followed it up by getting a restraining order.
I hated my life while I was in act of trying to catch her, even though, in hindsight, there was enough evidence. I reached such a low that I actually started listening to the crap that my wife was feeding me.
Then, one day...snap. I felt nothing. It was a gift. I realized that my wife was sucking the enjoyment out of living, and I was better off starting over.
I haven't posted here in a while, but my wife has made countless promises to "change" and "be a better wife" and "make me glad that I gave her a second chance."
She's living in a studio apartment on the swarthy side of town. She hasn't seen our kids in quite a while now, and her OM was terminated from his job and kicked out of his house by his GF. Needless to say, this turn of events has created some stress in "affairyland" and OM and STBXW are no longer lovey-dovey.
It's amazing that I only got offered the moon when my W's world came crashing down. Geez, I thought she should have been offering this to begin with...especially since I'd been providing her the moon and the stars for years.
You should only stay with your H if you determine that you want to work really hard on this marriage. He cheated. It will be very hard to forgive him. It will require you to sacrifice.
Is this man worth it? If he is, start dedicating yourself to fixing the marriage now. If not, kick him to the curb.
Orange, I think that it is very early days of your discovery, and no one should make a firm decision in that time period.
You have always felt you had a strong and happy marriage. Infidelity is not the deathknell for all marriages, although it is for many. If your M was strong prior, then it can be stronger in the future. It does take work and desire.
Good luck with it - I think it can be hard, but it can certainly be done if you both want it and are willing to work for it.
Good advice, but she also needs to know that the decision to say "Meh, nope" is hers at any point.
Her H broke his marital vows. It is up to her to determine whether she wants to rebuild the trust and the marriage. She doesn't sound like she has the desire right now. I don't blame her.
Sometimes, cheating ends in "game over." This is why cheaters sneak, duck, and deceive.
Orangekin -- if your H's OW is married, you should tell her H tomorrow. He also deserves to know the facts so he can determine whether he wants to work on his marriage or end it.
Actually, whether or not you decide to work on your marriage or end it, you reserve the right to tell whomever you want about your H's betrayal. For some reason, we're conditioned to suffer in silence. Meh -- you didn't screw up. Tell whoever the frick you want.
I found out about my husband's EA towards the end of June. I was devastated at the time, but now I do feel a sort of apathy. He has to prove to me that he's going to make this work now. If not, I've already been through all of the options in my head.
I am strong. If necessary, I could and WOULD make it on my own. What's the worst that could happen? Divorce, while undesirable in my case, would be survivable!
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feeling ambivalent..
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