From my thread a few weeks ago, some of you may know that an affair I was having ended, the OM started seeing someone else and I also told my H. I really did try to get over the OM and wanted to work on my marriage. I do love my husband.
Many of you recommended NC which was very difficult as the OM and I work together but he then went on holiday and I then went on holiday with my husband. I hoped this would help relieve pressure and also give my H and I chance to strengthen ourselves for MC and the work we needed to do to make our marriage work.
But its all gone so wrong. Time away from the OM has meant that I am no longer angry with him and all the feelings I had for him started coming back. I hoped that the holiday with my H would help but I missed the OM. I also hoped that when I went back to work, I would realise that I was just being stupid and would come back to my senses.
Instead tonight I told the OM that I still love him and want to be with him. He says he cares for me and was obviously upset by it all but said it was too late and that he has met someone else. I believe that if he was not seeing her then he would be wanting to start our relationship again.
Anyway regardless of how the OM feels about me, I could not lie to my H anymore. When he got home, he knew something was wrong and I told him that I still had feelings for the OM. Understandably he is incredibly hurt and angry. I have tried talking to him but he does not want to know. As far as he is concerned, the marriage is over.
I don't know what I want. I know that what I feel for the OM is probably infatuation more than love but I cannot get him out of my head. But I also know that if he did express an interest in me and was not seeing someone else, I might well back off. I am being so selfish and wanting the best of both worlds - affair and marriage. But that is no good. I have tried to be honest and it has deservedly backfired on me so instead of 2 men loving me, I will end up alone. More than fair I know.
I am not sure what I am after from this thread. My head is in bits. Its hard not to cry. I have to go to work tomorrow and pretend I feel nothing for the OM. And hopefully my H will have calmed down enough soon for us to talk. I want to suggest that he and I still try MC whether that is to make the marriage work or to help us deal with it being over.
Sadly, anne, your marriage is most likely over. I don't know for sure, but it is very rare for a marriage to survive an affair.
At least you finally got honest with your husband and gave him the information he needs to make decisions about his life. Ball is in his court now. I'd give him space to let him consider what he wants to do. You can also take the time to think about what you want.
Reggie...it is NOT rare for a marriage to recover from infidelity. Seriously...it can be done and it happens...if the couples take the right steps.
I'm in a very happily recovered marriage.
Anne...now you know exactly why you were given the advice that you got.
So here's the thing...
...are you going to FINALLY take the steps you need to in order to save your marriage?
GO INTO WORK TOMORROW AND GIVE YOUR NOTICE!!!!!!!!!!!
Anything less is just a knife in your husbands back...that goes straight through to his heart.
I'm afraid I have no compassion for you...only your H at this point.
YOU made the choices you did, knowingly.
YOU hold the key now to do the right things...or not.
End your marriage, or quit your job and go NC with OM.
That's all there is to it.
Its SIMPLE...not easy...but SIMPLE.
Stop acting like an infatuated school girl. Start acting like a grown woman who has CONTROL of her life.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
My H has asked me to hand in my notice. I am prepared to do that. But he has then said that will make no difference. That we are f****d and there is no chance. I want us to go to counselling even if to help us separate but he will not consider anything.
And he's got no reason to believe you at this point...you've completely shattered his trust in you.
Hand in your notice anyway. Its the right thing to do. And it will SHOW him with actions (instead of words that haven't done any good anyway) that you're SERIOUS about making the changes you need to.
He wants me to phone my boss tonight by midnight (less than 2 hours to go). So he wants this doing tonight yet he so obviously does not want anything to do with me. I don't blame him for the anger and pain. I am trying so hard to reason with him whilst he is in this state. Yet I asked him to take tomorrow off work and he won't. So I have to resign with immediate effect yet he won't even take a day off! I know I have screwed up but I can't make this work all on my own.
And you SHOULD...YOU were the one who created the entire situation to begin with, not your H.
Why NOT call your boss tonite????
I'm sure you aren't comfortable with it...but there's no reason why you CAN'T.
And again...maybe your H is wanting to see if you're for real this time, or simply blowing smoke? Remember...from HIS angle...you didn't suddenly change your mind on wanting to work on your marriage and be with OM...you lied the entire time to him about it.
Anna1707... you have never completely given up on your affair with OM. You can tall whatever you want but deep down you have been hoping that it would resume... somehow... somwhere...
I guess you wanted both... your marriage and your EMR.
I just do not understand one thing... you sound like quite intelligent woman so how can you be so... stupid. I appologize using this word but I think it is a right one.
I understand what you are saying. I am going to try and talk to him again now. It is so hard when he is angry because he gets very cold and detached - ruthless even. It is all very black and white to him which even in this situation is not the reality of it all.
Its all too late now. I was trying to avoid getting nasty but it all just has and things have been said by both of us that can never be taken back. It really is over.
Give your husband some space. He is hurting like hell inside right now, so back off and just give him breathing room.
As for your OM, well, you now see how much he was inlove with you...He wasn't, if he was, he would jump at the opportunity to be with you now, but he hasn't. It was safe before, you were married and he had no worries of it really turning 'that' serious..
Reguardless of what happens in your marriage, you need to quit the job and do counselling. With or without your husband.
My H has asked me to hand in my notice. I am prepared to do that. But he has then said that will make no difference. That we are f****d and there is no chance. I want us to go to counselling even if to help us separate but he will not consider anything.
If he decides to do counselling, it'll be because he wants to, not because you want him to. As I just mentioned afew seconds ago in my other reply, you do counselling on your own. By doing that, it's the first step of fixing yourself. Right now THAT is just as important as quitting your job.
Ask your family, extended family and friends to support you through this, as well posting here.
So he wants this doing tonight yet he so obviously does not want anything to do with me. I don't blame him for the anger and pain. I am trying so hard to reason with him whilst he is in this state. Yet I asked him to take tomorrow off work and he won't. So I have to resign with immediate effect yet he won't even take a day off! I know I have screwed up but I can't make this work all on my own.
Don't expect ANYTHING from your husband right now. His bit of trust he was building with you ALL got wiped away. He isn't thinking of you, your needs and your pain. And, you shouldn't expect him to either. Why would he take the day off, probably being at work is his safe haven where he can forget about this and focus on his work.
Stop trying to reason with him, in his angry state. It's only going to piss him off more and make you feel worse. Just stop.
Ask your family, extended family and friends to support you through this, as well posting here.
My family are on holiday at the moment. I do not have an extended family. And even now my best friend is probably the OM (as I am his). One friend I did talk to as I thought she would understand (she had an affair for over 2 years, eventually left her H and married her OM this year) and would understand my confusion totally pushed me towards the idea of being with the OM (probably to justify her actions) so that is no good either.
Stupidly I have just phoned the OM to talk to as a friend. He quite rightly did not think he was the best person for me to speak to but all I wanted was a friend and to ask for his support if I go back to work.
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