What about the dumpee fathers..how we deal with it??
I think my STBXW has a b/f. He has stayed over her house Friday night and was there Saturday night but I am not sure as he wasn't parked on the drive. He slept over last night (Tuesday) and left 45 minutes before I arrived to pick my 22 mth old daughter at 8am. I had her until 7pm.
I couldn't look her in the eye. I just looked at my D, she put her arms out and I held her up in the air, kissed her and gave her a hug and left.
I am not threatened by this guy. He looks like a nerd (no disrepect to nerds).
pale and bespectacled. No disrespect to people who wear glasses.
He drives 10 yr old car which look a little rough. So, how do I know this?
Hmmm, I guess I needed to know these things and I found them out.
I don't think this guy is off the dating site she is on. I have a hunch he is an old colleague or somebody she knows from before.
Yes, I am hurting and in pain. My D is in her room whilst she is humping this guy. Am I jealous? Not at all. I just feel sick. It is hard for us fathers to deal with this. Some women don't understand.
I don't think this is a R. Not a stable one. If it were I would accept it. But my ex is supposed to be a classy woman blah blah lol
She is still on this dating site. But her subscription run out several weeks ago and then she joined a free dating site on 7th September. She viewed my profile. I didn't hers at least not under my name.
4 days later she removed her profile. I might add this site is trash.
So 5 days later sher went out for the night as I had to drop my D back at her nans. A week later this guy is sleeping in her bed and overnight. Again this night she asked me to drop D off at her nans. So this was this Friday just gone. So if she had met somebody before the 7th of September then why join another dating site? Less than 2 weeks later she is having a man over night and a couple more after that when my D is in the house!!
She knows my feelings on this. She wouldn't like me to do it but of course as yet I don't have my D overnight and I wouldn't have somebody staying over. To me it is morally wrong.
I am not sure what is going on. I know I hurt my wife with my behaviour. Hurt her emotionally. May 4th she left a telephone message on my house phone saying she was stressed, tired, hurt, upset, cheesed off and fed up as she was feeling very low. That when she sees me it winds her up when I am being nice and 'normal' and if I was like that like I was occasionally then we would still be together but she said she is still adament that she did the right thing leaving me 'cos of the things I did this year.
Anyway, I am not sure if she is still hurting and this guy is the opposite of me. I was and can be kind, gentle etc etc and because the ex and I sometimes had a volatile R I think that this guy is showing her attention, affection and helping her self esteem. Am I right? Is she justified having him sleep over?
To me this may sound like this is going somewhere or maybe she has needs of 'closeness.' But I really don't think this guy is it. Long term.
2 days ago she briefly logged onto this dating site. I couldn't miss it as she showed in the search profile. She was looking at the guys who winked at her and of course that's about it 'cos you need to be subscribed to send/receive emails.
I dropped my D off this evening. And I gave her a hug and kiss. I never said anything to my ex. I won't see D for 8 days!!
I read online that the best is not to say anything. I hold my feelings in.
I hold the pain in. Every time I pick my D up Ilook good. Shavened, casual but smart.
She has moved on and she texted me a mth ago to move on and leave her alone. She texted this back in April before her left answer machine message a few weeks later.
I am trying to move on. I can't help the way I feel. We married 2.3 yrs ago and it was a beautiful sunny day and it was just fab! The honeymoon followed and then that same year our beautiful D. April the next year she was leaving. I am not in denial with what I said or did etc.
Anyway, does anybody want to throw there bit in? Any fathers out there in a similiar situation?
__________________
Me:41 STBXW:37 Together: 10/9/2004 Married: 6/2006 S in house:4/2007 W moved out:23/8/2007
S houses: me 10/07 her 11/07 Daughter: 22mths
"I love my wife and I want my family back"
I'm right there with you man. Have a son 6 and a daughter 3. I have to see my STBXW every day when I drop my daughter off (son goes to school) and then see her again later when I pick them up. I have to see her EVERY DAY! . Sometimes on the weekends I don't see her, but that is hard too. I try to be friendly with her, like on the phone I act nice and don't ask her personal stuff about her other relationship. But she is so cold to me, she acts so annoyed when I call, even though I only call to check up on the kids and to tell her if I am picking them up or if she is suppose to take them somewhere. It would be nice if she could at least act friendly to me when I call, after all she broke my heart I didn't break hers - I should be the one angry and mad at her, but she just wants to continue to be angry at me even when I try to be nice. I don't know what is going on with her as far as another relationship, she was suppose to be in one by now but it hasn't taken off from what I can tell. She stopped wearing makeup to work (where the OM is) and she sometimes looks like she has been crying. She changed her "mood" on Myspace from "confused" to "determined" to "vibrant" to "crushed" all within 2 weeks. I don't want to show interest in what is going on with her, so I dare not ask.
Well I guess I could have just put all this in my own thread but just wanted to reply to yours to show you that you aren't alone - this has been hell for me too!
__________________ "If you can't change your world,
Change Yourself..."
we communicate via text messages and she only tells me what I need to know about D on the day. The text messages are ONLY about our D. She has this wall up and like a lot of women they don't want you to see what is behind it lol
Maybe I should count my blessings I haven't talked to my stbxw in over a month now and that was just to give her some stuff she left after she moved. . We usually email each other if we need something but that hasn't happened either.
It has to be hard to get over someone when you have to see them everyday. It is kind of like putting salt into a wound I would think.
__________________ If you can't be happy with yourself, you won't be able to show and share that happiness to others.
If it was possible - yes I would. The possibility lies with her though, not me. She would have to do a complete turn around and realize she loved me completely, which isn't going to happen - at least not anytime soon. I wouldn't want her back right now with her head still in the clouds.
I have backed off. This 1st year apart has been crazy. Not all the time. But I am backing off and getting on with my life. Though it is hard. I still feel the loss. The pain. The things running around my head.
I am looking after myself and leaving her be. Not sure what is going around her head. She left me for my behavious and losing trust. Seeing me be nice and 'normal' winds her up..when she is feeling low. But I think she is holding that in.
This OM is a distraction? He has been sleeping over hers most nights this week. Yet she logged onto dating site in the week when he was there. Not that she is a subscriber. That expired 3 wks ago. She is checking out her 'winks'. Not sure what is going on. Why would a woman have a guy sleeping over night if it wasn't a serious/stable R??
I couldn't do that with a woman. You know the cuddling etc unless I truly wanted to be with her. Sex is sex but the intimate stuff?? I just don't get it
Not sure what is going on. Why would a woman have a guy sleeping over night if it wasn't a serious/stable R??
I think they call that a rebound my friend. It more than likely isn't him that she is after. She probably can't handle being alone so it doesn't matter who it is.
Hey Smiley! Too much analysis leads to paralysis. Do you think she spends a minute of her time checking how many times you have visited a site? Probably not. Does she sniff around to see if you have someone staying overnight, unlikely. Why do you give a monkey's bottom about who she might be seeing? Do you still want her? It's like waiting for leftovers! Man up! Count your blessings and look around you. There are so many women out there. Surely, it is better to start with someone new, rather than with old toxicity!
Sorry for the harsh words man! But I just wanted to remind you that she still has power over you without even trying! Let her open her legs to whomever she wants. She is no longer your wife man!
My suggestion, as a former, and completely healed BS is to let it go. Let it all go right now, today, this minute.
You are physically stalking your ex. You are "observing" her (not spying as her profiles are public). You are spending to much of your time, and all your emotions in an attempt to remain in her life. It's a waste of your effort.
This stuff happens. Don't drive yourself to the sandbox! (another more obscure reference LoL) trying to remain relevant. You are not. You have been replaced, as you say, by a nerd, with a 10 year old car, (sniff... mines 8).
You aren't alone. Most men face this stuff at some point. Most eventually let it go. My ex was totally convinced I would "stalk" her, it really dissapointed her to find out she was wrong. Once I found out that she had invited another man to penetrate her various orifii, I had no further interest in her.
Do women really do this? Any ladies reading this who have/is doing this?
Yes, if you're referring to the rebound guy. Yes, yes, yes...keep the line moving, boys. It's an awful, self-destructive thing, but it is what it is. I hope that I've matured enough to not go through that this time, when I leave my lying-ass husband.
I think I may be in exactly the same situation as you. I do not know if my wife left me for OM or met him after. But I know she is out there having fun and has BF. We have a 2.5 yo daughter - but now our daughter is passed back and forth between houses - the legacy of divorce.
You can't think about it. Stop thinking about it. Stop spying on your W. All it will do is cause you agony - and prevent any possible future reconciliation.
Focus on your daughter... be the best father you can be when you have her... that is all you can do.
__________________
... long uphill road ahead, filled with potholes... taking it one day at a time.
Me 40, W 33, D 2.5
D Day 1/24/08, Sep 6/12/08
Have you even mentioned to her that your Daughter can hear her screwing this OM, and that it can or is hurting her in some unknown way? Or does she not even give a crap?! I don't know if you can get a restraining order to prevent your wifes actions, but, it looks to me like she's putting your daughter in harms way. She's doing this for revenge, you know that right? She'll hurt you by hurting your daughter in return, how stupid! You need to bring this up!
SUP..Her opinion or view is ..as long as daughter is cared for whatever else she does is ..whatever man she decides to spend her life with..whatever man friend/boyfriend she brings home..again as long as ***** is cared for is NOTHING to do with me!
I am not sure if he is just company (being a single mum) or now dating him. He has to travel 1 hr 10 mins to work and pay £5.30 bridge toll fee everytime he comes over the bridge to see her. I think he resides near his work.
I am shocked by her actions I really am.
Last edited by smileysmile; 3rd October 2008 at 1:22 PM..
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. Sometimes on the weekends I don't see her, but that is hard too. I try to be friendly with her, like on the phone I act nice and don't ask her personal stuff about her other relationship. But she is so cold to me, she acts so annoyed when I call, even though I only call to check up on the kids and to tell her if I am picking them up or if she is suppose to take them somewhere. It would be nice if she could at least act friendly to me when I call, after all she broke my heart I didn't break hers - I should be the one angry and mad at her, but she just wants to continue to be angry at me even when I try to be nice. I don't know what is going on with her as far as another relationship, she was suppose to be in one by now but it hasn't taken off from what I can tell. She stopped wearing makeup to work (where the OM is) and she sometimes looks like she has been crying. She changed her "mood" on Myspace from "confused" to "determined" to "vibrant" to "crushed" all within 2 weeks. I don't want to show interest in what is going on with her, so I dare not ask. 
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