I made a huge mistake and I love my wife. We've only been married for 5 months. While out of town I cheated. I can't think of any reasons why as my life was perfect before. I stopped it from continuing after 5 minutes but it was 5 minutes too late. I was drinking heavily and didn't consider anything but the moment. It was meaninless and emotionless but nonetheless it did happen. I couldn't hold the lie in as I was feeling extremely guility and against advice from a friend I confessed upon my return and my life has been in havoc ever since. She is in a state of anger, disbelief and lost, just like me. I love my wife and she has agreed to go to marriage counseling with me. We are scheduled to move and purchase a new home in a different state in about a month. I hold onto hope but knowing I hurt her and the state she is in makes it exponentionally worse. I hate knowing that I can't really help her because I the one who caused it. I understand that I made a huge, hopefully recoverable mistake but am looking for any advice you have. thank you.
While out of town I cheated. I can't think of any reasons why as my life was perfect before.
I don't think "I can't tell you why" is what a betrayed spouse wants to hear, simply because it implies that it could happen again for the same "no reason". Two things you need to do ASAP:
1). Make your life totally transparent to her so she can begin to trust you again.
2). Start doing the work in counseling to understand why you betrayed your "perfect" marriage. Understanding the process and reasons that led you to that 5 minutes will help both of you.
You have much work ahead of you and probably less than an even money chance of succeeding. I wish you well and keep posting...
Yup, telling her you don't know why it happened won't fly. There has to be a reason. It has nothing to do with your marriage, or your wife, it is all about you and something you wanted to do, or allowed to happen. Even though you stopped it from continuing, you still put yourself in a stupid situation by drinking and being alone with another woman.
Do counselling, find out what is missing INSIDE of you - Go from there. Make sure the counsellor is the same person who does marriage counselling and BEG your wife to go with you so you two can do MC together.
Your mistake was telling her. Never, ever fess up. It only eases your conscience, but ruins her life. If you truly never want it to happen again, then learn from it and go on.
Your mistake was telling her. Never, ever fess up. It only eases your conscience, but ruins her life. If you truly never want it to happen again, then learn from it and go on.
I respectfully disagree. You did the right thing in telling the truth after you made a choice. I don't call it a mistake because you didn't trip and your penis accidentally slipped into her vagina. Even drinking(which is never good)doesn't make you do things that aren't in your character anyway. The thing is there in your mind, heart and soul. The alcohol just gave you the courage to act on it.
With all that said, have you been tested for STD's? If you didn't use a condom, you exposed your wife to whatever potential diseases this person(and whoever else she has slept with)may have. Also suggest that your wife get tested.
Then sit down with yourself and figure out what allowed you to even think about having sex with someone else, much less actually do it. Your marriage is so new, where you ready for marriage? Did you consider the true meaning of commitment, fidelity? There is a lack of respect for yourself and your wife with this act. Find out why. It's almost like you wanted to sabotage your marriage before it ever had a chance.
The one thing that I see works in your favor is that you came to her instead of her finding out for herself. Somewhere in her heart she will see that as a sign that you weren't comfortable in your mess and wanted to straighten it out, you wanted to be held accountable and you want her. As a BS, that would have gone a long way with me. She will realize that you couldn't continue to betray her by lying.
But saying you can't do anything to really help her is a cop out. You can do plenty. You can accept her anger, her tears, her frustration. It will be a roller coaster ride and you can be on that ride to help her every step of the way. Don't check out when the going gets rough. It has been stated that it can take anywhere from 2-5 to recover from an A. I would suggest you go to marriage help sites, read books, and dig in for the long haul. That is if you want this marriage, with this woman. It is no longer about how you feel, or what you need to heal. If she heals, so will you(because she will love you enough to help you.) Let her feel whatever she needs to at the time. You may hear the same thing over and over, that's necessary until she can wrap her brain around things and deals with it.
And if you ever have the thought of doing this again to her(or anyone else)remember the look in her eyes and the tears you see. Know that what you see is only a tenth of what she really feels. Keep your penis in your pants. God bless.
__________________
Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
That's helpful. Cold hard truth is exactly what I need. I ache for hurting her so much and I still want to believe that there is hope. Our Marriage counseling is tomorrow.
I went and got tested prior to sleeping with her and then I told her the truth so there is no worry for her on the part of STD's.
I still can't imagine why and I keep asking myself and looking for a reason but it's not clear. All I have is the moment, the alcohol. I wouldn't ever think I could commit this awful act and I still don't, im dumbfounded, but I couldn't deny it happened and look her in the eye.
A good counselor will help you get to the why. But be aware that like every other profession, there are arsewhipes, so if this one doesn't feel right, move on.
Went to counselor, opened up alot of doors and saw things in a different perspective. Reaction after was better than it was going into it on both our parts. I see hope but also uncertainity as one would expect. We will continue to seek out the help of our counselor as we effort to climb this mountain. What do I need to do at this point..Thanks for your input.
Give her the security she needs now. Listen to her. Don't give excuses or justifications on why it happened.. Actions speak louder than words. You can say all you want but it's meaningless until she sees and believes it in you again.
Beyond that, all the advice you've been given about rebuilding trust, being an "open book", and providing security to your wife are all on the money.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
I know we have a long road ahead of us, I just hope there is a road there. How long before I see results. Right now it seems were so distant. Not sleeping in same bed, not talking really throughout the day, ackwardness. I want to do anything, everything I can to help her through this but I don't want to come off like yup they nailed my problem on the dot, this is what I'm going to do to fix it, now your the only one with the problem. I want to help her as much as I can and I don't expect immediate results. I hate myself for what I did but I don't want her to bottle this up and then one day, explode. I love her and I know she loves me but I know she is apprehensive about letting me back in, it's only been a week since I confessed. Thanks for your advice.
Yes I stopped it, but it did happen and I was at risk. I knew my wife would want to have intercourse with me upon my return. I couldn't bear to do that. I confessed prior to having intercourse with my wife.
You've only been married 5 months and already you've cheated? Your wife is either a saint or a fool to agree to marriage counseling, personally I'd invest my buck in a divorce lawyer and be looking into an annullment if I were her.
soserious.. really what does your post offer to this person? He's looking for advice not for people to bash him.
Although it shouldn't have happened to begin with at least he was honest with her right away. Majority of the cheating spouses do end up sleeping with their spouses after without telling them about their cheating. Passing on STDs, etc..
Fixious, you need to make an appointment with a marriage counselor. After you make the appointment, tell her this. Tell her that you are going for yourself and if she wants she is more than welcome to join. This is action, not just words.
Also tell her that when she's ready to talk, you will be there to listen. You have to reassure her with actions that this isn't the real you in what you have done. How long were you with her before you got married?
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
There is a lack of respect for yourself and your wife with this act. Find out why. It's almost like you wanted to sabotage your marriage before it ever had a chance.
Linear Mode
