I believed most things MM said about his W, yes. I also met his W and she confirmed certain things- ie they had no sex life. She told me personally they slept in separate rooms, so when the issue came up with MM I did believe him that he was not having sex with his W.
Other things he said such as her having difficulty looking after their kids I also believed as I was sitting next to him many times when she would call him, telling him she couldnt put them to bed/get them to do their homework/eat their dinner etc etc.
Anything that he told me about her that I couldnt confirm in some way, I would take with a pinch of salt. To me this was common sense, as a MM is hardly going to portray his W in a glowing light is he?! It would clearly be in a MMs interests to portray his W in a certain way, to make the OW more willing to continue the relationship.
I had been friends (if you can call it that) with both MW and her long term gf. MW never said anything bad about gf for a very long time. Before the affair started when I was still married, my exH was the one to notice that gf was very controling, he pointed it out to me.
After my M ended and during the A, I witnesses several incidents of emotional abuse and bullying. MW played them down to me.
Now though MW admitts that the yelling and walking on eggshells all the time is stressful. I don't comment anymore, to try and give her space to feel comfortable talking about it.
Also I know that their intimate life isn't the greatest. MW used to tell me. Then one day her gf confirmed it to me.
For some reason I think that MW is pretty honest with me about how things are between her and her gf. But I have a different perspective, having been friends with both of them before the A.
Im curious, did you believe all the negative things (if any) the cheating spouse said about their mate? Thanks in advance.
Yes, I did, right up until the point I discovered that psychologically I wasn't really that different from him. Seriously, for me, it was at that point most of the love (the romantic love) died. I knew any future R would not be healthy.
See, it works like this: A woman in pain applies global perception to specific traits and events. It doesn't matter where the real truth lies. What she relates is her truth. She becomes oblivious to her own contribution. Her anger and blaming others (H) help her bolster her self-esteem and recover emotionally from the loss of love.
Obviously, the same can happen to a man, and often does. I think, for either, if they can truly look at themselves in the mirror, and accept the reflection and see themselves as imperfect and contributory, then the other person doesn't look as "bad". MC did this for me. I can say my wife is a decent person who is largely incompatible with myself, and that I'm far from perfect and made my own contributions to the M failing. This is exactly what I have and would tell others about her. Interestingly, it is exactly what her last husband said about her too
Having been involved with a MW many years ago, seeing that side of the fence, and then going through the more recent process of MC and resolving my M today, I do know, if I hear a woman making global negative statements about a current or past spouse, I will pay far more attention to that and weigh it heavily when deciding whether to invest in that R in the future.
MM never said anything negative about her to me. If he had I think I would have thought he was a total loser.
Why are you married to someone you think so little of that you would talk about her like that (I know I will get bashed for that if he thought more of her he wouldnt have had an A but thats what they do they keep the M and get their various needs met elsewhere).
Other people who know her have said awful things about her not knowing I was involved with him. But he never said a word.
Why are you married to someone you think so little of that you would talk about her like that (I know I will get bashed for that if he thought more of her he wouldnt have had an A but thats what they do they keep the M and get their various needs met elsewhere).
I'll assume "you" is a generality...... some people have the psychology and self-esteem that, in order to feel better about themselves, they denigrate others. It's a global feature of their personality, and not necessarily specific to a LTR/M situation. The mirror is too painful so they throw all the cr@p outward, away from themselves. It can be the result of low self esteem (commonly) but also can be due to psychological disorder.
In your case, it sounds like your MM could have good self-esteem and a moral code which included a priority for getting his needs met, whether within the marriage or outside of it. I don't see the two as conflicted; we all have different moral codes. Alternatively, since he was getting his needs met, he had no interest or reason to "bash" his W; what purpose would it have served. Some men see "revelations" as a tool to get what they want (women do the same thing); it creates intimacy. But, if intimacy is already there, no need
That makes sense. He didnt need to lie to me, his needs were being met. And he does have a very strong moral code - its his own... but its strong and he abides by it. Doesnt gossip about anyone, is very discreet in all areas of his life.
I did. I met her a few times; she was nice but very, very dull, and they communicated with each other horribly, which was pretty much exactly what he said about her.
That makes sense. He didnt need to lie to me, his needs were being met. And he does have a very strong moral code - its his own... but its strong and he abides by it. Doesnt gossip about anyone, is very discreet in all areas of his life.
You mentioned elsewhere that MM never talked about your life. I wonder, though, hypothetically, what his perspective might have been, presuming your A was physical, if you were married and still sexual with your H, getting "bonus" from him. How would his strong moral code resolve that? Equality and all
A bit off-topic, but relevant to disclosure practices creating the "reality" of an A, IMO.
The A was physical but that was a very long time ago. I was not married and was not dating someone else he knows I wouldnt see two people at once. I dont know. Im not sure his moral code would allow him to be with someone else's wife. And I am not sure it would be great for his ego. But I dont know. As a practical matter it might suit him better. Less chance that emotions and expectations would escape their little box.
When I said we never talk about my life that is since the PA ended. When we were in the PA we talked about our lives but not about his M or his W. I felt it wasnt my place to ask. I knew the parameters and the M is a private matter as far as I am concerned. The A was a parallel thing. I appreciate that my situation was not the norm. It always surprised him that I was so protective of his privacy but I felt that was important.
Again I am sure others will have had very different experiences. I feel quite lucky when I hear about how people are lied to and blatantly deceived. Its hard enough to be part of a triangle even if all the cards are on the table.
Thanks for sharing that. A revealing insight into the male psyche. Sometimes, as a man, I feel I have as little a clue about men as women sometimes lament. I love the duality, especially how he shared little of his life (his M) during the PA and ended his interest in your life after the PA. I wonder if that is genetic or socialized. Life is full of mysteries
It wasnt that he wasnt interested. He was. He always asked questions or made assumptions waiting for me to correct them if he was wrong. Once the PA ended I never wanted to say. I needed as much distance as I could get considering the frequency of our communications.
As I said he is not a bad man, he copes in his way within the boundaries of his M. Very very old school. Very anachronistic in many ways. Very protective of me in a nice way. Wants me to find "someone to look after me" etc etc. Continues to look out for my welfare from afar.
Men who are filling gaps arent looking for 2 wives. His obligations in his primary existence were too heavy to allow him the luxury of having sufficient time to have a proper relationship with me, even with the freedom to sleep away. (I sound like an all year round summer camp).
There are many women whose needs complement his or attach themselves to men like him because of their status and influence. So I have no doubt he will find someone to fill the void when he is ready. But funny enough I am still struck by the fact that what keeps him tethered to me emotionally is the fact that I loved him for him. Lets face it sex is sex. If that was all he wanted he would never have chosen me in the first place. I am clearly a bad candidate for a no muss no fuss no strings attached liason. And I am not a good person to lie to there is too much at stake professionally.
Its not that unusual. There are many people who prefer to continue their marriages even if they are discreetly filling gaps elsewhere rather than breaking down the marriage. Its a time honored tradition. Those people arent on these boards. They arent unhappy with the situation.
There are many women whose needs complement his or attach themselves to men like him because of their status and influence.
Bill, Hillary and Monica come to mind
Omnipotence can be a duality of sorts. There's always a dark side. I find it a fascinating exploration in discovering how humans deal with it. I've jolted a few off their pedestal just to see if the statue in fact did move
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Seriously, for me, it was at that point most of the love (the romantic love) died. I knew any future R would not be healthy.
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet" - Mae West
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