Hello, My friend was hurt by her boyfriend physically. She is still upset at him. And she will give him another chance. In the mean time, she wants to hang out with me. She says she likes him, but I know she wants to build something up with me. I been through this before, about how some females just want to use me as an ear.

I don't want to mess up with her, I would like to be her new boyfriend, and I think she wants it to be mutual. we will spend the day tomorrow.

I think she wants to end it off slowly with him, adn in teh same time, she wants me to fill that emotional void in her.

What do I do? I don't just want to be an ear for her. I could easily not hang around with her. I know she is chasing me. she has met my mother 3 times. She is just waiting for one more blow up from her boyfriend, so that she can end it off. In the mean time, I am suppose to wait for her. I can wait for her and I know she needs time to heal.

She only could be healed after she has formally broke off with him. She did that but she went straight back to him.

in search of advice

hi mac,

i understand your concerns for your friend, but pursuing something with her to hopefully get her away from him could have dangerous repercussions.

you will be messing up things big time if you even consider getting involved with her. she is vulnerable and she is looking for another person as a means of escape. you'd be foolish to take anything further than friendship. let's not even mention how this guy may react, but what about the fact that you are letting yourself be used by someone who is feeling extrememly vulnerable and intimidated? forget about getting romantically involved...forget about it. throw those romantic notions of saving her out of the window because this is not the movies. this is real life and real life does not work out like that.

if her boyfriend is very violent, there is every chance that her getting involved with another guy will only add fuel to the fire. he could become violent with her for betraying him or he could become violent towards you.

violence isn't just about physically or emotionally hurting another perosn. it is also about control. this guy wants to have all the control and he thinks he can do that by being violent and being intimidating. often the physical force is used as a tool to achieve power and control over their female partner. if she makes it known that she has become involved with someone else, this will only serve to make him feel more out of control. that is not the kind of control you want her to get. she needs to get herself in control emotionally and that doesn't include any other prospecitve romances.

people who are abused often feel like it's their fault - that they "asked for it" or that they don't deserve any better. but abuse is never deserved.

she needs your patience, moral support, and understanding. she also needs you to encourage her to get help immediately from an adult, such as a parent or guidance counsellor. most of all, she needs you to listen to her without judging her. it takes a lot of courage to admit that you have been abused; let her know that she has your full support, but please DO NOT get into anything deep than a friendship. this will make things extremely messy.

if she can't love someone without feeling afraid, it's time to get out of the relationship fast. she's worth being treated with respect and you can get help. assault is illegal, even if it's done by someone you are dating.

contact a crisis centre, a help lines, and abuse hotlines. these organisations have professional staff to listen, understand, and help.

love can hurt but it should never, ever physically hurt.

please listen to everyone here who is talking from some sort of experience with abuse and trust them. i for one, have been a witness to physical abuse a couple of times in my life.

best wishes

[Tony T]

This is not a woman you want to be romantically involved with. Any woman who remains with someone who has physically assaulted her has serious self esteem and self image problems. It is highly likely she will stay with him for a long time.

Secondly, notwithstanding the fact that she is screwed up, it is never a good idea to start dating someone who is just out of a relationship. Why in heaven's name would you want to be around just to fill a void for somebody?

Why don't you go find a lady who thinks highly of herself and who won't allow herself to be abused? That would be the kind of quality you would want in your life.

Recommend that your lady friend see a counsellor to get help with her self esteem problem lest she spend all the days of her life a battered woman.

[velvet]

If she is chasing you and your mother, maybe she does want you, but fears if she cannot have you than she will return to her b/f.

You also said that you think she wants a mutual r/s. If she is going to give him another chance than I imagine the authorities were not called. Than a mutual r/s is what you will get. I think in this girls mind she doesnt want to go back to him, but she's confused. Rather than saving herself from future abuse shes going back to him for a reason.

Hello, My friend was hurt by her boyfriend physically. She is still upset at him. And she will give him another chance. In the mean time, she wants to hang out with me. She says she likes him, but I know she wants to build something up with me. I been through this before, about how some females just want to use me as an ear. I don't want to mess up with her, I would like to be her new boyfriend, and I think she wants it to be mutual. we will spend the day tomorrow.

I think she wants to end it off slowly with him, adn in teh same time, she wants me to fill that emotional void in her. What do I do? I don't just want to be an ear for her. I could easily not hang around with her. I know she is chasing me. she has met my mother 3 times. She is just waiting for one more blow up from her boyfriend, so that she can end it off. In the mean time, I am suppose to wait for her. I can wait for her and I know she needs time to heal. She only could be healed after she has formally broke off with him. She did that but she went straight back to him. in search of advice

If she's looking for professional help, in the U.S. she can call the National Domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and they can link her to local resources.

On a personal note, let me just say that it can be extremely frustrating to try to be a supportive friend to someone who keeps on making stupid decisions and ignoring your advice. I've been going through that with one of my friends and frankly, my patience is running very thin, because she wants my full emotional support when things go wrong with him, but yet she won't pay attention to my advice to get out the relationship for real. So she keeps on coming back to me and crying on my shoulder, meanwhile insisting that she's in love with him and that I'm being unfairly critical of him. (because even though he beat her up, he was just upset because of x, or he won't do it again, etc... but it does happen again, and she keeps making excuses because she's in a LOT of denial) And when I try to break through that denial she just gets really ticked off at me.